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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's Boss Called Me...

206 replies

supermanslefttesticle · 06/12/2017 15:56

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work Hmm

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 19/12/2017 15:24

That's really not a normal way to carry on. They are both being incredibly selfish and self centred.

If it was me, I'd be dropping the dogs off with MIL so that it was one less worry for me to deal with.

How much Christmas prep is needed for just three adults? Xmas Hmm
Why not look at spending a bit more time with your own parents before Christmas, perhaps on 23rd?

jemmstar1980 · 19/12/2017 15:26

He might benefit from going back to work and getting into a routine. I have to say I think his boss is stepping in to try and resolve the situation, because by sounds your OH doesn’t want to engage it going back to work. He might actually be looking out for him.

Sounds like as his wife you need to tell him some facts, he has a wife and his own family Home to return to, and he has an employer he needs to deal with.

I

LivLemler · 19/12/2017 15:26

That's understandable OP. It's so hard to do anything about this situation without looking like the bad guy, but you have been very patient. Grief is a funny beast and it takes as long as it takes - but real life and other responsibilities have to be acknowledged at some point as well.

I'm not a dog person either, so I understand your MIL's reluctance there. Is there anywhere the dogs could go for a couple of hours so she could come over?

I hope you manage to get some time together on Friday.

Do either of you have much time off between Christmas and NY? Just wondering if you could plan an evening together, phrased sensitively along the lines of "It's been such a tough year, let's treat ourselves to a night out on the 28th at our favourite restaurant, we deserve something good".

Hissy · 19/12/2017 15:26

I think tbh, you can just hang on in there until christmas is out of the way, but then reset the boundaries.

LivLemler · 19/12/2017 15:28

Ultimately, if this continues, you will need to have the conversation Beware has suggested above. Indeed, you may feel you're at that point now, which would be fair enough. Just trying to think of softer ways to ease them into a different routine that won't become "OP wouldn't let me spend time with my mum after my dad died" if your DH isn't thinking straight.

doyawannabuildasnowmaaaaaaaan · 19/12/2017 15:33

I had 2 and a half weeks. With a very public speaking job. I had to force myself to go back. If I'd left it 4 weeks it would have been worse. Life has to go on. It's such an awful saying buts it's so true. He's not doing himself or his dm any favours. I started to get panic attacks after never suffering with them it was an awful time. My line of work also involved meeting people recovering from what my df died off. Now that was hard. But I used that as my incentive to help them. Thanks to you all. An awful time

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 15:35

I keep thinking if I can hold out until Christmas things might settle down, but part of me thinks we’ll still be visiting MiL multiple times a week forever and DH already works 2 or 3 evenings a week so I’m still not going to get evenings alone with him in our own home more than once a week even then.

I’m off work until 2nd Jan from Friday, DH is working a couple of days inbetween I think, I don’t know fully because I haven’t seen him for long enough to find out :(

That was another thing, he ‘discussed’ going back to work with his mum and not with me in the end. That hurt like a bitch.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/12/2017 15:43

Very sorry this has happened. Suggest that unless after a word from you about spending time together things improve pretty quickly you seek couples’ counselling. It’s not OK for him to totally ignore you, solely focus on his mother, and not care for your pets.

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 15:46

Also whenever I talk to MiL about DH she says things like ‘well DH and I have had a long chat about this and he feels like...’ and whenever she does it feels really bloody stabby because DH should be talking to me about things and how he’s feeling too, I shouldn’t be hearing about it second hand.

I think I just feel really hurt that he’s detached himself from me completely.

The most horrible bit is I’m questioning the decision to get married at the moment and whether our relationship is actually as strong as I thought it was. I’m not sure.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/12/2017 15:48

It’s been a huge shock.

Ask DH to come home, and talk to him about how you’re feeling. It’s not selfish.

You might also need better “boundaries” with MIL. Eg not discussing your H with her.

strawberrypenguin · 19/12/2017 15:58

I think you might need to express an opinion. He needs to start living again and come home. He might need you to do that for him if he isn’t capable of doing it himself.
Did he spend a lot of time with his parents per his fathers death. It’s hard but he might need some tough love.

LivLemler · 19/12/2017 16:01

That would really upset me too OP. It would be one thing for DH not to give me his time, but to be consulting with someone else before me would really hurt me.

It's going to be a very difficult time for him over the next week, the first Christmas after a bereavement always is. If you can struggle through the next week I would, but it does sound like you need to have a chat during the downtime between Christmas and New Year. Flowers I'm sure if things were good before, he'll come around and things will be good again. It sounds like he isn't coping at all well.

Charmatt · 19/12/2017 16:08

As harsh as it seems, I think your MiL is manipulating the situation and your DH is unable to stand up to her at the moment because he doesn't want to hurt her. She knows how this would feel for you and yet she is doing her best to drive a wedge.

I've been there - my first Christmas married was always going to be hard because my DF was terminally ill, but my MiL insisted my DH go to her, so we spent the day apart. It was my DF's birthday too! Over the years he has found the strength to put some distance between them, but every so often he still finds it difficult to call her out.

Stand up to the situation and explain how much this is upsetting you. It may be that he is so taken up with trying to appease his mother that he hasn't considered the impact on you at all. Flowers

TheMerryWidow1 · 19/12/2017 16:10

you poor thing you have been more than understanding but after xmas I think you need to put your foot down or this is going to wreck your marriage. Life does go on and he needs to remember that, Mum will never get better if you/he are permanently there xxxx

AdaColeman · 19/12/2017 16:20

From your recent comments superman it sounds as though MIL is a master at emotional blackmail. No wonder you are feeling so low and abandoned. Thanks

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 16:26

The thing is though, if she is being manipulative then I really don’t want to engage with it and play the game Iyswim? I’d rather talk to DH about how I’m feeling. Problem is if he then mentions our conversation to MiL ( this has happened before), but I can ask him not to and make it explicitly clear.

I also don’t think my frame of mind at the moment is helping me to judge the situation fairly, I imagine I’m reading too far into things she says/ does and dwelling on it because I’m low about DH, so she may not be being intentionally manipulative, maybe just insensitive/ unaware how things sound to me

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 19/12/2017 16:34

Well, this is why I suggested spending a bit of time with your own parents, hopefully you would be able to relax and get a bit of normal perspective back. Everything can look bleak when you are feeling lonely and unsupported.

Charmatt · 19/12/2017 16:37

I completely understand, I did the same - I didn't want my husband to feel like he was being torn between two people, but for me, 20 years later, I cannot forget that she was dictating how we spent Christmas for the first year we were married - in our case apart. Dominating women like this don't ever think they are doing anything wrong, and I don't think it will improve unless you intervene and at least let you husband understand how you feel.

Whether you do this is up to you, but I hope you are able to resolve it!

TheHoneyBadger · 19/12/2017 16:42

It sounds like they've slipped into him playing the husband role.

Don't feel bad - you've been so supportive and tolerant and putting aside your own needs and feelings.

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 16:42

Thanks everyone.

I'm thinking about asking him to come home tonight. He says he'll be home at about 8:30 which would give us 2 hours together, but I@m wondering if I should ask him to come home earlier?

He knows I'm having a tough day, so part of me is hoping he comes home on time (at 8:30) and we can sit down and have a proper chat, but part of me sort of knows already that he's going to be late home because "something" will come up at his mums that will keep him later. If this happens, I think there's then a natural reason for me to express how I'm feeling but otherwise, I think I need to leave this until after Christmas and tackle it then.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 19/12/2017 16:47

I would say you need him tonight and please could he spend the evening with you.

That is positively expressing your needs rather than complaining afterwards that they haven't been met. He should, of course, think of your needs anyway but expressing them gives him every chance to actually remember them and do the right thing.

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 16:51

Thanks honey, i've just messaged him and asked him if he can please be home by 8:30 tonight, I've said I'm struggling today and I need him at home this evening for a bit.

No response yet but I'll let you know..

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 19/12/2017 17:10

That's good. It's a gentle reminder that you need him too. Hope he doesn't let you down.

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 19/12/2017 17:12

His response was "Yes x"

He's seen and aknowledged the request so hopefully he wont let me down. If he does I've got some thinking to do.

OP posts:
LunasSpectreSpecs · 19/12/2017 17:13

4 weeks off for a parent's death is a very long time. I'm not surprised his boss is chasing up to see when he'll be back.