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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's Boss Called Me...

206 replies

supermanslefttesticle · 06/12/2017 15:56

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work Hmm

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

OP posts:
MNOverinvestor · 06/12/2017 18:29

I think speaking to him with MIL in room is a good idea. Presumably she doesn't want him to lose his job over this?

AnnaleeP · 06/12/2017 19:02

Could you leave him to it for the next couple of days and have a chat over the weekend?

I think 4 weeks is a long time to be off, I only took a week for my mum, but everyone is different and he's obviously struggling to cope.

I am sorry that you've had such a sad start to married life though, I'm sure your DH is aware of that as well and it's probably adding to the turmoil.

BabyOrSanta · 06/12/2017 19:05

Have you spoken to MIL without DH there?
Just a general "how are you doing?"
Even just in the kitchen while he's in the lounge (for example).
This may help you get a feel for what's happening with her (whether she wants to be alone)?

TBH you speak of you not wanting him to resent you but what about if you start resenting him? You can barely talk to him because he's never there. You're running the house by yourself. You're running to and from MIL's as well as working. You're picking up the slack for him.
I know it's part of a loving relationship but it can only happen for so long. So maybe you need to stick up for you and your relationship too?

clarabowsandopentoes · 06/12/2017 19:55

Any dialogue about returning to work should be between DH and his boss. Even though your DH has lost his Father he does have a responsibility to his employer. If he is so distressed that he can't speak to his employer then he probably does need help from GP etc.

I am not unsympathetic. Both my parents are dead now. It was devastating but I never lost sight of my responsibilities and the fact that life goes on.

If I were you my next move would be to suggest he call his boss for an update/chat NOT because you want him to go back but because it is the correct/adult thing to do. Before he makes the call he needs to be honest about how he feels. Is he ready to go back or does he need more time? If the latter then does he also need grief counselling etc. He just needs to be straight with himself and also his boss.

If he gets angry so be it. That's life.

clarabowsandopentoes · 06/12/2017 20:03

Or you could just step away and leave him to it for a few days. However, I think he's floundering and needs some direction. If his initial response to your input is anger just remember you aren't doing anything wrong and when he is in a better place he'll see that. It's s difficult time. You'll get through it.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 20:03

It was totally inappropriate for his boss to call you. As a HR professional...I wouldn't advice a manager to do that. Their contract is with him...not you.

I've known many people be off work much longer than this following a bereavement.

How long approx has he worked there?

Do they have an occupational health department?

His boss telling you to keep his call a secret...was also wrong.I find it terribly unprofessional tbh

What kind of company is this? I think I would perceive it as pressure to return to work.... hence I'd advice against a manager doing it.

Lunde · 06/12/2017 20:06

Has he actually sent in a sick-note from the GP covering these weeks?

lalalalyra · 06/12/2017 20:51

He's likely not been paid because he hasn't sent in a sick note to cover the dates.

I think his boss has probably been told to get him back to work so called you as a softer way of finding out what kind of state he is in.

Seeingadistance · 06/12/2017 20:54

My work brings me regularly into contact with people who have been bereaved, and your DH's response to the loss of his father is extremely unusual, and I would hope that his GP would be able to access support services for him.

From what you say, your MIL is going through a normal and healthy grieving process. The only thing which is unusual about what she's doing is that she's not telling her DS to go home to his wife!

There is definitely something not right here, OP, and it might be an idea for you to contact your DH's GP and let them know what the past 4 weeks have been like. The GP obviously can't share information with you, but you can provide information to them. Your DH might not give the GP the full picture.

fourquenelles · 06/12/2017 21:05

As someone who lost her DH at 57 to cancer I wanted space to grieve in my own way. I wonder whether DMil is getting that space for herself or if she is having to be "brave" for her son?

Jerseysilkvelour · 06/12/2017 21:13

It sounds like the employer is being as good as they can, but is understandably a bit confused as most people don't have this long off work for a bereavement. They need to be able to plan for the business needs they have, and they need to know on what basis your DH is off work.

Of course they didn't pay him last week, they haven't seen a sick note. Without a sick note, they don't have to pay sick pay, do they. The GP is not obliged to sign a retrospective sick note, and I wouldn't be surprised if they refuse to tomorrow, especially if he has to see a different doctor than his usual GP.

He needs to get a hold of the situation however he does it, he either needs to get a sick note or go back to work. As it stands at the moment, his employer is being understanding and patient, but that won't last long.

Probably best for him to get another sick note tomorrow going forwards, and give him some time to address his grief and get his head together. People grieve in different ways.

He's lucky to have you supporting him, I hope it all works out for you both.

Notonthestairs · 06/12/2017 21:26

I think he needs to be told that his mum needs a chance to start with her/their new normal. As hard as it is the next stage must begin. Your DH being there might mean she will get less support from friends (not wanting to intrude). And she actually needs time alone to grieve.

Besides if he's working reduced hours he can still see her daily.

I was a little similar after my mum died suddenly - it was only after I pulled back that I realised how many lovely people were waiting in the wings to help and console and many of whom were in a better position to offer advice. In my case focusing on my dad meant I didn't have to think about what I felt.

Mix56 · 06/12/2017 21:31

I think this is really him not dealing with his grief, & using MIL as an excuse. (subconsciously) in fact he will be stopping her moving on
& remember that the next generation are more used to decease, their own parents/family/friends will be gradually disappearing. I hope it doesn't sound cruel, but its a fact.
No-one gets a month off, he needs grief counselling & getting back to work will help him take his mind off it & this offer of gradual return will be perfect. it isn't fair on you, you are not responsible for the boss calling & should not have to hide it. He needs to know they are running out of patience & accept its not putting pressure on, although you agree.

Mix56 · 06/12/2017 21:32

oops, accept its not YOU putting pressure on, although you agree.

Changedname3456 · 06/12/2017 22:35

Did he enjoy his job before all this? I just wonder if this is now an excuse to not go back.

If they dismiss him, he can make out that they’ve pressured him to return too early etc - in his head the blame would have shifted away from him.

Original poster
supermanslefttesticle · 06/12/2017 22:41

So I went for dinner at MiL's and I've had a very very gentle chat with them both.

DH was defensive and I've never seen him like that before, but MiL fully backed me up and said she's very very grateful for all his help and support, but she's ready now to be on her own more. DH panicked a bit then, and MiL and I both agree he's using her as a reason not to grieve for his Dad even though DH is still maintaining he's there for his mum.

Anyway, I just brought him home and he's not going back until tomorrow afternoon because MiL has said she wants a morning to herself.

He's also talked to work today and they are happy for him to be off if that's what the GP suggests tomorrow. I've also said to DH that if the GP offers him grief counselling he should try it and see if it helps.

He's been in tears a lot more than usual tonight so I think it's finally hitting home that he needs to start grieving himself. I feel awful because I had to be quite blunt, but it obviously needed saying :(

Whether or not this will be the shortest marriage in history remains to be seen, he did give me a cuddle and a kiss though and said thank you before I came up for my bath, so I think we're ok Smile

OP posts:
Pannacott · 06/12/2017 22:46

That sounds like really positive progress OP, glad it went relatively well.

Cambionome · 06/12/2017 22:57

Well done op - you did the right thing there.

iboughtsnowboots · 06/12/2017 23:03

That sounds like a great way forward, well done OP.

Isetan · 07/12/2017 06:49

I was going to suggest you talk with your MIL because I think it would be harder to pretend with her, considering he was using supporting

However, I get the feeling that there’s something off in your relationship dynamic. Maybe it’s me me but I’ve never quite understood the pride associated with “we never argue”. Why is anger and being blunt so terrible? Grief in itself is an extreme complex series of emotions and anger is one. You talk of your fear that he might resent you even though you say he never has in the past. The ‘offness’ is either originating from your own issues (separate from your DH) that’s carried over to your relationship or one that has developed between you.

I wish the best for you both but I think your H’s grief and the way you both reacted to it could be something that should (when you’re both ready) be explored further. There will be other tough times and it’s better to explore those fears and weakness when you’re not in the thick of them.

LivLemler · 07/12/2017 07:03

I think you sound lovely OP, and I don't think anything sounds off in your relationship at all. I think you've handled this really well and been hugely supportive of your DH and your MIL. I hope you're DH's appointment goes well this morning.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/12/2017 08:31

Well done OP.

TalkinBoutWhat · 07/12/2017 12:03

That would have been very difficult. Well done. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/12/2017 12:53

Well done OP - your DH might not feel as though you've helped him just now, but in time he will certainly realise that you have - and your MIL is probably very grateful that you brought it up and allowed her to tell her son, in the gentlest way, that he wasn't needed so much at her house any more.

I hope your DH manages to get back to work soon and finds his way through his grieving process.

lakeg · 07/12/2017 17:39

Proud of the way you have handled this.