DH's Boss Called Me...

[supermanslefttesticle]

DH and I got married 6 weeks ago, we've been together 12 years, no kids, both in our late 20's.

FiL died 4 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. DH is an only child and extremely close to his parents, so it's understandably been a really hard time. He's been spending all day every day with MiL and only came home to sleep for the first time since FiL died 2 nights ago.

Anyway, his work have been super understanding and really good about the whole thing, but today his boss called me and asked what i thought would be best for him regarding his return to work

Obviously, this is completely inappropriate to address me rather than DH and I told him that, but I genuinely believe he wants to help DH and it comes from a place of concern rather than wanting him back to work ASAP or anything.

It's coming up to a busy period for them and they dont want DH to return in the middle of it, so would like DH to phase return for a few hours a day until he gets back into it. DH's boss asked me not to tell DH we'd spoken, but this felt dishonest to DH so I called him after and said his boss had called and explained the phased back to work thing, asking if it's something he'd want to do etc.

DH got angry with me and said he felt like I was pressuring him to go back to work.

For clarity, I think he should go back to work and this phased plan looks like a great strategy to manage that, but I've been very clear with DH that i don't want to share my opinion on the situation with him because I dont want to influence his decision, so he's unaware of how i feel.

Ultimately, MiL needs to start being alone during the day as the current arrangement is unsustainable and DH really does need to start getting himself back on track, but how do I say this without hurting him and making him feel like I'm working against him?

I felt it was important to be honest about his boss calling me but he's now really angry with me, I still feel it was the right option though so I don't regret that, I'm just not sure what to do now? Do I tell him how I feel about him going back to work or trust he'll get his head back in the right place soon? Help :(

It's weird that boss asked you not to mention the conversation, but not entirely inappropriate for him to call. You obviously both want to do the best for him.

Four weeks is a very long time for an adult to be off after the death of a parent. I understand how hard it must be on him, but he is not helping himself by being off. I imagine his main priority right now is his mum, rather than dealing with his grief. He's probably terrified he'll lose her too. Eventually though, life will have to go on. Could you arrange for a carer to see MIL during the day so she's not completely alone? Perhaps that would give him peace of mind.

4 weeks is a very long time. I think you should feel able to say that you think it’s time to start getting back to a more normal routine. How long is he planning on taking off? He must have some idea. My grandmother died recently and my Dad had 3 days off work, two when she died and one for the funeral. He is devastated too but life does have to go on at some point. Not everyone would be ready after two days but not to be ready after four weeks is pretty unusual.

Is he having some sort of breakdown?
Unable to leave his mother's side for 4 weeks.
Not talking to his work about what is happening.
Not talking to you about the loss of his income.
Unable to begin making even tentative plans for returning to work.

Honestly, it sounds like his mental health is very fragile, both you and he need to go back to the doctor and then get in touch with work so they can plan around his absence - which sounds like it has moved from compassionate leave to sick leave.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with saying it was ok to be off but now it's been too long just as you suggest - what's the problem? And you might be pissing your work off? Phased return is not necessary in circs IMO either.,He sounds very immature OP saying oh everyone said it's fine but it's not is it? Stamping his foot a little - no people were just being nice and polite. Being honest is he a little spoilt?

Also who all said it was fine? Doc said would need counselling is off for longer, you have no view you say and work are trying to get him back. Odd thing for him to say.

Eryri that's the other thing, she has a huge network of people both frienda and family that visit her most days, she hasnt had a single day since he died where no one has visited (excluding DH who's been there every day otherwise).

camb he says he does want to come home and spend time at home, we did try having dinner at home 2 days ago but he felt guilty for not being with his mum knowing she would be eating alone, so we ended up packing up dinner, plating one up for MiL and eating there He got himself in a bit of a state about and was really upset she was on her own so i felt we didn't have a choice. Now we're working it so I finish work, see to the dogs, then go up to MiL's for dinner and return home about 8:30pm, then MiL goes to bed at 10:30 and Dh comes home then when she's gone up. It's not easy but I'd rather he was there and comfortable than at home miserable iyswim.

I’m wondering if the boss is calling you because your DH has acted oddly in conversations with them?

I appreciate losing a parent is an awful thing to experience; but four weeks off work and they're planning a phased return - not wanting him to return in the middle of a particularly busy period?
That sounds extremely odd??

Your last update seems a bit bizarre. I thought you were going to say you have dinner there and come home together but no you leave and he stays another two hours til she's actually in bed?!

This I think he's referring to work at the beginning saying it's fine to take as long as you need, take your time etc etc. I wouldnt say he's spoilt at all really, I think he grasped that as something to be angry about 2bh rather than it being the crux of the problem.

4 weeks does seem long but I guess the delay between his DF's death and the funeral has contributed to the timescale. Most people do need time after the funeral to process their loss. imo the time after the funeral is much harder than the time before.
I think you need to tell him that his work have been incredibly generous and that he needs to go back for his own sake, for his DM's sake and for his job's sake.
You have been very understanding, letting him stay with his DM. He needs to stop directing his anger at you. If he's struggling, suggest bereavement counselling but he can fit it in around work.

If the OP's DH was signed off work with some sort of diagnosis of stress, his employers will be very cautious about putting him in a situation which would worsen then stress as they could be leaving themselves vulnerable to claims that they failed in their duty of care. I assume that this may be why they don't want him dropping back into a highly pressured environment which might cause some sort of relapse or worsening of his condition.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar they've had some changes while he's been away that he'll need to re-learn/ catch up on, so they want him to return now to learn the stuff he needs to so when it gets busy the week after next he can be confident on the equiptment etc, that's what the phased return is about i think.

Sounds like his employers have been incredibly lenient here. I get 3 days of paid leave for the death of a parent.

Unless he doesn't really need or want the job, I'd say he needs to get back to it full time pretty much immediately.

I understand that your husband was close to his father and I mean this kindly, he is taking the piss.

I think you or his manager need to be a bit more direct now, four weeks is a long time to have off and as understanding as his work has been, their patience will soon start running out.

4 weeks is an unusual amount of time for an adult to be off after losing a parent. Very unusual. He's lucky his employer has been so understanding, tbh.

You did the right thing, and it sounds like the right thing to do. He really should be going back to work and trying to get on with life.

And is his mother prostrate with grief, or is she managing to stay strong and get through the days?

I just can't understand why he feels that it's necessary to be with her so much - I accept that everyone is different, but this really does seem excessive, op.

This yep, he stays with her all evening until she goes up to bed, then comes home (I'm in bed by then) and comes to bed around midnight. He's up at 8 and back at MiL's for 9am for breakfast, spends all day there.. rinse.. repeat.

4 weeks is excessive. I would say up to a week is normal compassionate leave, two weeks is generous.

Do you think his Mum wants him there?

Is she not getting sick to the back teeth of him hanging around?

Was your FiL passing sudden or expected?

And for what it's worth, my mum lost my dad, the love of her love, when they were both only 63. It was devastating. But she had to move on. He's not helping his mother move on if he's always there because she's alone. Yes, she's alone. Her child is grown and her husband has died. Children should grow up and move out, it's life. And sometimes tragedy strikes too early and people lose their spouses. Your DH can't 'fix' this, but he can make it harder long term for her to learn to cope and adjust, and he can make his marriage struggle if he's left it emotionally to be somewhere else...

Camb this is the thing, his mum is often sad, cries at points during the day etc but she's getting up and going about her day as usual. She gets dressed and up on the mornings, is eating and drinking well and communicating with friends and family, in now way is she not coping, she's just sad as you'd expect.

Surely he recognises that is to a certain extent only a turn of phrase they're using and at a point when they likely thought it'd shorter than it has ended up. Well I guess as you say it might just be him clutching at anything angrily. It really sounds odd to me that he spends all day there, not even seeing to the dogs, then you join them, then he lets you go home on your own again, all against backdrop of a lady who is not otherwise short of support/visitors.

plus3 he was diagnosied with cancer 8 weeks ago, was given 4-6 months to live but only managed 8 weeks :(