Am I Overreacting?

[Lulutiger1]

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

OP you’re very brave and strong in standing your ground with him, good for you.

Just think - total strangers care more about you than he does. That says something.

Also, might be worth telling family and friends that you’re not together, and the reality of what he is like. I bet they’ll be horrified and shower you with support.

OP I've been various sizes between a 10 and a 22 over the 16 years I've been with my DH. He's always said (and made me feel) I'm beautiful, whatever size I am. You deserve someone who thinks you're amazing, who raises your confidence rather than damaging it, who doesn't have to ^try^ to be nice to you fgs!

This isn't about your weight OP, this is about him being a wholly inadequate person/partner who isn't capable of having a healthy relationship. You don't have to settle for that, you can do better than someone who deliberately brings you down. Remember that if you feel yourself weakening

I'd buy him this for Christmas: www.amazon.co.uk/Lovehoney-Thick-Extra-Inches-Extender/dp/B074MYT5VB/ref=lp_2758375031_1_10_s_it?s=drugstore&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1511013621&sr=1-10

You’re doing so well, OP. I’ll add to the chorus saying that this guy is not worth it.

It is hard to end something and face that it isn’t what you’d hoped for. And it is hard to imagine being alone. But being single opens you up for a relationship with a genuinely nice and good partner. And in many ways it’s easier to be alone and single than lonely in a relationship.

Also, there’s the “sunk costs fallacy,” where you feel like you need to keep investing in something because you’ve already put so much into it.

But you’ll be so much better off without this guy. I know break ups are hard, even if they really need to happen, it’s okay to feel upset about that and it will be up and down. But by ending it with this guy you will open a door to a much happier future in the long term. And hopefully your system will settle too, with less stress.

Proud of you OP, well done! It’ll be interesting to see whether your symptoms magically disappear once he’s not around to tear you down. Onwards and upwards!

He has text again saying he'll do anything and only ever be nice to me from now on

Which means he knew he was being nasty and was making the choice to be.

Think it would be better to hold out for a bloke who doesn't have to try to remember to be nice, but who just is inherently so. Or it's not even just being nice, but "not abusive."

Still haven't replied to him. I've been doing some chores and watching a program to distract myself. He text again saying he knows we can make this work and he'll always find me attractive even if I put weight back on and I just need to believe him
I guarantee if I'd never lost the weight he would have ended things for good a few months ago

And thanks to you all for being so nice. It's really helped me

Well done op!

It gets easier. They get bored.

So even when he's grovelling he's still being unpleasant?

he'll always find me attractive even if I put weight back on

How many times in total did he end it because he wasn't happy with your weight again? No - stop - even if he did it once that is one time too many.

Your weight and size is absolutely none of his bloody business.
I wanna tell him to eff off on your behalf. Stay strong OP.

It was 3 times he ended it. Almost 4 times but he changed his mind at the last second. He hasn't done it for 9 months but I still find it difficult to forgive him for that

I see you already have 8 pages of people telling you he’s a prick, but Incase you need further convincing.... HE’S A PRICK!!!

Lulu he doesn’t make you happy - it’s simple as that x

he'll always find me attractive even if I put weight back on

How very generous of him. Hopefully you wont find him attractive because he is an abusive twat.

he'll always find me attractive even if I put weight back on

Why do you "just need to believe him" when experience has shown you (three times) that that's patently not true as he dumped you.

I know - that's why I'm not wanting to believe a word he says as he doesn't exactly have a good track record of proving to me that my size doesn't bother him

Anyway, it's not just about the weight - he puts you down about all sorts of things. He's trying to suck you back in. It probably chaps his hide rather badly that you're the one ending things for a change. But unlike him, make it stick.

Is there anything good about this bloke?
Although even if there is, I'm struggling to see how it can outweigh his appalling treatment of you so far.

Please dump him and stick to it. Value yourself more highly and find someone who deserves you.

We went bowling a few months ago and he totally ruined it by laughing at me and telling me how shit I was at it everytime I took a turn. I laughed it off the first couple of times, but after the 20th time of "god you're so rubbish at this" all I wanted to do was go home. That's just another example of many of him putting me down and being mean

@Fitbit he's very handsome, good in bed and clever with an interesting job. That's about it. We have different senses of humour, not a whole lot in common and he's mean to me. His dad was very mean to him growing up so maybe it's rubbed off on him. No excuse though as plenty of people have horrible parents and don't end up treating people badly. I know he suffers badly from depression sometimes too which might be why he projects his negativity onto me.
I think I'm definitely going to end things for good. I just feel more and more fed up the more I think about it all

He'll always find me attractive even if I put weight back on

Well whoop-de-do, shouldn't you count yourself lucky he's such an understanding, accommodating type!

He just keeps digging that hole, doesn't he?!