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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I Overreacting?

283 replies

Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 08:50

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

OP posts:
LadyGAgain · 19/11/2017 06:48

Bin. Him. Off.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 19/11/2017 07:57

Op are you ok?

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 19/11/2017 08:44

I'm ok thanks. Had an early night.
He actually showed up at my house with flowers and was then trying to kiss me. I told him I wasn't feeling well and he needed to leave. He did and then sent me about 20 texts saying how much he loves me. I replied to one telling him to just go to sleep and sometimes it's too little too late. Haven't heard anything this morning yet

OP posts:
chevrechevre · 19/11/2017 08:49

Oh op that’s really inappropriate of him to come over. Sounds like you handled it very well.

EllaHen · 19/11/2017 09:05

Lulu - you asked for space and he's not listening. He thinks he owns you or you owe him or something.

Alarm bells rung for me with your opening post. I once had a boyfriend who looked at a photos of my from a few years earlier and said something like 'being honest - I wouldn't have dated you at that weight.'

He was a total head fuck controlling bastard. To me the flowers represent ownership.

Please keep listening to the voices on this thread. Lots of experience here can hopefully save you from him.

AlternativeTentacle · 19/11/2017 09:08

What I did with my non-able-to-let-it-go staker ex was tell him that it was this behaviour I didn't like, so carrying on doing it was just proving I was right all along.

Ilovelampandchair · 19/11/2017 09:10

He's a danger to you. Get away now would be my advice or spend your life not being good enough.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 19/11/2017 09:15

He was doing the emotional blackmail thing as well of saying he wanted to kill himself and his life was pointless without me

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 19/11/2017 09:18

He was doing the emotional blackmail thing as well of saying he wanted to kill himself and his life was pointless without me

Text book abuser. Next there will be a medical emergency that he needs you for.

HerOtherHalf · 19/11/2017 09:20

I think you have to firm up your language. Stop giving him cause to hope this is just a passing phase by using terms like, "taking a break", "need some space", "get some sleep" etc. He's all about himself and will hear what he wants to hear unless you are brutally blunt with him. If you are committed to ending this, and I really hope you are, you need to hammer it into his skull that it is over, done, no debate, no discussion and if he continues to pester you then you will make it a police matter.

CheeseyToast · 19/11/2017 09:22

His life is pointless without you, and very painful too no doubt as the only face he will see at home is the horror in the mirror.
Not your problem!

Your priority must be your own wellbeing which can only stay intact well away from him.

He is a contagion, a blister on the face of humanity, a toxin that needs to be eliminated from your world. Stay strong.

AlternativeTentacle · 19/11/2017 09:22

You need to end it by telling him that you wanted a break from his controlling behaviour, and all he did was try to control you even more, and didn't listen to you. Wanting a break was to see if he could leave you to make your own choices. The stuff about wanting to kill himself is just another method of control which proves you were right to want the break, but now that he has demonstrated that he is capable of ramping it up to the next manipulation level, it really is the end. And then text him the number for the Samaritans.

If he does call saying he has overdosed/done something stupid do not go running, just call the local police and report it.

Mrsfluff · 19/11/2017 09:35

Lulu, I'm tall, a size 20 and not toned. My partner tells me everyday that I'm beautiful and he makes me feel wonderful about myself. He would never say anything to knock me down or feel bad about myself as he loves me. Please stay away from this man, he's damaging your self worth and very possibly your health. Read back through your posts and keep reminding yourself of how he's treated you. Good luck x

Joysmum · 19/11/2017 09:43

saying he wanted to kill himself and his life was pointless without me

Hardly surprising. It’s always been about him, not about you and your needs and that’s not going to suddenly change now.

If he had a healthy love for you he’d respect your view as to what’s best for you. He doesn’t, it will always be about his wants and needs and little regard for others unless to suits him.

Doubletrouble42 · 19/11/2017 09:45

Ditch him. He's a wanker.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 19/11/2017 09:56

Just had another text from him saying "do you want me to come over for a cuddle in a bit?"
He definitely thinks we're going to stay together so I think you're right that I need to be a lot more definite with him. I'll send him a text soon saying it's properly over.
I know he's not the right man for me at all but I still feel sad about it ending like this

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 19/11/2017 10:01

Tell him very clearly that you do not want to be in a relationship with him.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 19/11/2017 10:04

Sent him this back "if only it were that easy. Unfortunately you have pushed me too far this time and after having a bit of time to think I want to be single. Please don't push me on this as I need you to respect my decision and not make this anymore difficult for either of us"

Ugh why do this feel so hard?!

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 19/11/2017 10:08

Lulu it is hard. I was well rid of my horrid ex but I still grieved for....I dunno it’s hard to explain. Myself maybe?

AlternativeTentacle · 19/11/2017 10:08

Ugh why do this feel so hard

Because he made you think he cares by being so controlling...it's a technique. It's not about real love.

splatattack · 19/11/2017 10:12

You will look back on this in the future as the best decision you have ever made...onwards and upwards OP!!

Iamchanging · 19/11/2017 10:15

I just wanted to share my experience. I had exactly the same with my ex - he vocally preferred me thinner despite me being a 14 when we met. But we got on so well, laughed and loved one another. Anyway I eventually got down to a size 8 and we married. And you know what I loved being thin and looking good in anything I put on.
However for me that just wasn’t maintainable, I love chocolate and food and my weight has always yo-yoed. Anyway it came to a head one Christmas, my mum had terminal cancer and it was going to be her last Christmas. I was probably a size 10/12 by then and my ex went off to our bedroom in a sulk as I had a chocolate pudding. I never forgave him for that and we split up for good 10 months later.
I’m now the fattest I’ve been in my life (prob a 14/16) and know I need to lose weight for my own health, but finding it hard because my now DH adores me and says that he finds me utterly beautiful the way that I am. That’s how it should be and what your partner should think.
Ironically I’m still really good friends with my ex, he came to my wedding with new DH. It’s just we weren’t compatible in terms of physical attraction. Good luck x

chevrechevre · 19/11/2017 10:16

*The stuff about wanting to kill himself is just another method of control which proves you were right to want the break, but now that he has demonstrated that he is capable of ramping it up to the next manipulation level, it really is the end. And then text him the number for the Samaritans.

If he does call saying he has overdosed/done something stupid do not go running, just call the local police and report it.*

All this, 100 times this. Classic abuse.

HerOtherHalf · 19/11/2017 10:16

Ugh why do this feel so hard?!

Because you're a nice person and don't like hurting someone else's feelings. Unfortunately, unreasonable people capitalise on that and use it to their advantage. Resist any temptation to feel sorry for him and your natural instict to let him down gently. Sometimes you need to be hard for your own protection though. If he keeps pestering you let him have both barrels with no sugar coating then block him completely.

chevrechevre · 19/11/2017 10:18

You may be better off not responding to any of his messages or calls, ever again. If he comes round to your house call the police.