Am I Overreacting?

[Lulutiger1]

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

[Smellylittleorange]

This is the first time I've seriously said this. LTB ..you are not overreacting. God forbid he actually breeds

[custarddinosaur]

People who say vile and hurtful things will always attempt to justify it by telling you that you are overreacting, too sensitive, can't take a joke, being ridiculous, whatever. They will blame you for getting upset and try to make you feel that you are the unreasonable one and make you doubt yourself.

His comments are nasty and you don't have to put up with it.

[Lulutiger1]

I actually lost the majority of the weight through being unwell. I've developed some sort of bad IBS problem which I'm currently under going tests for. I did lose the first stone myself though as I knew I needed to lose some

[Smellylittleorange]

Yes some people do find extra weight unattractive.. but let's be clear his attempt to control and manipulate OP is the real issue here..it won't stop at weight.

[Fruitbat1980]

Wow. You aren't married, you don't have kids. LTB before it gets even messier. He's an arse.

[Lulutiger1]

I think he'd have a leg to stand on being critical about my weight if I'd gained it during our relationship. But the fact is he saw what size I was on our first few dates and chose to continue things on with me and then make me feel bad about the way I look. I think that's why I'm so pissed off with him. He could have chosen to completely end things right at the start if it was so off putting for him

[ShatnersWig]

Seriously, how the fuck does it get so someone needs to ask strangers whether this behaviour is acceptable or if they are over-reacting to be upset over this?

OP, run for hills. He is a class A wanker.

Oh, and generally, if someone dumps you a second time, you don't ever take them back for a third bite of the cherry. Ever.

[category12]

Josuk Weight is a thorny subject. Any comments on it cause strong reactions. Thruth is - many people find extra weight unattractive. If my partner ballooned 4 sizes up - I would find it hard to deal with and it will affect his attractiveness - what are you on about? The op didn't "balloon up four sizes", she was size 16 when they started dating.

Op, sorry that you're unwell. That makes it worse, tbh.

I think this guy is going to ruin your self esteem if you stay with him.

[MonaChopsis]

Another one saying leave. The foundations of your relationship are built on sand, not rock, and you know that now... Will you ever feel truly secure in his love for you again? I know I wouldn't. You deserve better.

[chevrechevre]

You sound lovely and deserve better.

This is how it starts with controlling people. Pressure to form yourself into his ideal - except the problem is not you, it’s him.

This kind of behaviour will never change, regardless of your body size. He will always find something to pick you apart over. He will gradually crush your self esteem into dust.

As many PPs have said, in a good relationship this wouldn’t happen. In a good relationship it doesn’t go hot and cold when it should be romantic and glorious and happy.

You deserve better, and it will never get better with this man.

[ferrier]

And 16 to 12 is not four sizes, it's two.

I would worry about baby weight too. I don't think it's a big deal that oh finds slimmer more attractive - I do too. It's how he deals with his reactions that's important. Who's to know whether your health might take a different turn and you put the weight back on through no fault of your own.
I think you need a long conversation with him about such things. You need a guarantee that he will never use your weight as a criticism again.

[inlectorecumbit]

He doesn't love you yet !!
He will love the skinny version of your current self.

He is a nasty nasty man, There is no way you can be feeling secure and loved in this relationship.
My DH loved me when l was quite hefty and he loved me when l became anorexic. He supports me with my yoyo ing weight and is never judgemental--just concerned and supportive.
That is what love is
Dump the twat

[Lulutiger1]

we also haven't been having much sex lately as I've been poorly and he's had a couple of bad colds and we've both been exhausted from work.
He told me last night he had more sex with some of his ex's than he does with me. I was a bit erm thanks for telling me that....

[Whocansay]

He's negging you. Which is the universal sign of being a cunt. Ditch and move on. You can do better.

[Lulutiger1]

And when I got obviously anxious about what he'd said, he cuddled me and told me to stop worrying so much as it's really destructive.
I think I know I'm being treated badly but I guess I just needed confirmation

[notapizzaeater]

Wow, you need to dump and run.

You will always be petrified of putting weight on, getting old etc

[category12]

And again - he says hurtful things > you get upset > he acts like there's something wrong with you for being hurt by the hurtful thing.

He's an absolute shite.

[HerOtherHalf]

And when I got obviously anxious about what he'd said, he cuddled me and told me to stop worrying so much as it's really destructive

So he puts you down, gives you a bit of affection to reel you back in, tells you it's all your fault, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat. Every time your self-esteem and confidence is a little bit lower but your hanging on to the little bit of niceness that he throws you. You need to get out of this before he wesrs you down beyond repair. Honestly, this relationship has nothing going for it. Stop thinking of him as you OH. He is a boyfriend you've been seeing for a year during which time you've had several break-ups. The relationship is flawed, he's an abudive tosser and you deserve so much more.

[demirose87]

Emotional abuse. Get rid of him.

[FinallyHere]

why say critical things about the way I look if he truly loves me

This is a very astute question, I encourage you to think very very hard about it, and his answers to it.

He doesn't like your size, but you have gone down a size so its all good.

Be glad that he has been honest about this, so you know that he mostly cares about how you look. He sounds like someone to have fun with, why not but do not have a serious relationship with this man, do not tie yourself to him with children, do not allow yourself to become dependent upon this man.

I think I know I'm being treated badly but I guess I just needed confirmation

Good, you have seen the light and, with the power of MN, you know its coming from concern and care for you. Now, onwards and have a brilliant life, without him to ring you down.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

He's saying all this to keep you in your place. Even if you got down to what he considers his ideal size there'll be something else you could improve on. He's a nasty arsehole and I have a sneaking suspicion nothing special himself.

I know these horrible men exist but it's still galling reading things like this. "When you lose a bit more weight I'll take you on holiday" cheeky fucker. Like you should be grateful to be in his company ever let alone on holiday.

Go on holiday OP just go with anyone who isn't him. Yuck.

[GreatStar]

This man is a disgrace. Total disgrace

He met you when you were a bit heavier and messed you about because of your weight?
He'd rather have you slimmer through illness than curvy but healthy?
And even though you lost the weight through illness he's wanting you to lose more?
He's casting up about sex with ex's and then turning it round on you saying your reaction is destructive?
He'll take you on holiday when you've lost more weight?

Kick his skinny sorry ass straight to the curb. You deserve more and are worthy of more. The past and present regarding this man is bleak. The future for you with this man is horrendous.

Hopefully your illness gets sorted soon and you feel better. You may put some of the weight you've lost back on. What will he be like then? Or if you get pregnant? Omg imagine how low you will feel with that loser commenting on your swollen ankles!

Honestly I don't say this very often ..... but get rid. Pronto.

You deserve someone who will take you on holiday no matter what
Who won't finish with you and mess you around because of stupid reasons
Who will kiss and love every curve you may have
Who will support you when you're poorly

He is the opposite. If you stay with him your future is going to be filled with this type of nonsense

What a complete di**head

[OldEnglishSheepDog]

He sounds an awful lot like a friend of mine who has had a number of relationships with wonderful women who frankly were far too good for him. Are you younger than him by any chance?

[Lulutiger1]

He even makes comments about my nails and hair. I bite my nails and he tells me to stop as he likes long nails and he also told me his ex had long nails.
And my hair is quite fine and he said yesterday he would treat me to hair extensions. And he once looked at my hair and said "can you not add some more volume to it?!"

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

Just seen what he said about his sex life with you. See? He's already lining up the next thing to make you feel shite about.