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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I Overreacting?

283 replies

Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 08:50

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

OP posts:
WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 18/11/2017 12:18

What chevrechevre said, with bells on.

KiaOraAura · 18/11/2017 12:23

Please get rid of him. This will be an ongoing cycle in your relationship forever if you dont do it now. I got drawn into this, being told I was fat (size 10 at the time), dull and that previous girlfriends were better than me in various ways. It became my normal in the end and it took years to regain self esteem. People like him do this to keep your confidence down and so prevent you from having the courage to walk away. It's all about control. Please do break free.

LadyLoveYourWhat · 18/11/2017 12:25

Please make it "the break" and not "a break". At the very least ask him not to contact you while you are on this break. He could promise you the moon, but he really isn't going to change and you won't ever be able to forget what he really thinks about you. You deserve so much better!

SandyY2K · 18/11/2017 12:28

I've just read a's fat as the second page... dump him. He's an idiot.

He's ever so critical of you and it will carry on. Don't continue this relationship

You'll constantly require improvements in his eyes.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 12:33

He has text again saying he'll do anything and only ever be nice to me from now on. WTF
(I'm not replying to him btw)

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 18/11/2017 12:35

He has text again saying he'll do anything and only ever be nice to me from now on

But in a relationship you should only be nice to each other naturally...that's the point! If he has to make it a rule to be nice to you then he isn't for you.

ElspethFlashman · 18/11/2017 12:36

Aaaaand the badgering begins.......

If you crack, just a simple "please start by respecting my request for space"

ElspethFlashman · 18/11/2017 12:38

Good point ^ Being nice is not his default. He is not boyfriend material.

SandyY2K · 18/11/2017 12:40

I'd ignore and block him ... or you could say you've decided to forget about what you said about the break... because you've made up your mind it's over

He's a horrible man who wants you to be on tenterhooks forever.

yetmorecrap · 18/11/2017 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 12:45

@yetmorecrap of course it's genuine - seems a bit of an odd thing to do to come and here and make up a completely untrue story.

I constantly feel tense and my stomach is in knots - that really can't be helping me recover from this IBS stuff. I eat a healthy diet etc.

We were meant to meet tonight but I've just replied saying I want time on my own. I'll be 30 next year and need to make sure I'm not wasting years on someone who isn't being kind to me. Hopefully after a few days of not seeing him I'll have built up the strength to properly end it

OP posts:
Turkeyneck · 18/11/2017 12:48

My jaw hit the the floor when I read your post. That is shocking and totally unacceptable. Definitely leave, that is a sign of things to come for sure. Nevermind losing the baby weight, even if you do, you will still look different no matter what you do - changed tummy, boobs less pert (understatement of the year!!), vagina very different..... then what will he do? And what about as you age anyway? Children or no children. He sounds utterly vile.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 18/11/2017 12:49

So he knew all along what an arsewipe he was being. He's got as much chance of being able to "be nice" going forward as I have winning the Euromillions.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 12:51

Thanks - I know you're all right. So disappointing when a relationship doesn't work out how you'd hoped it would

OP posts:
mummmyj · 18/11/2017 12:56

Sorry Hun but get rid of him...now!!!
Someone should love you inside and out to be worthy. He knew what you looked like when you met if he don’t like it now find a man that does an girl a big bum and hips wouldn’t put off most men my DH loves it 😁😁😁

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo · 18/11/2017 12:57

It is OP, but when you meet the person who truly loves and appreciates you for as you are, you'll look back at this and think "WTF was I thinking!"

ALittleBitConfused1 · 18/11/2017 13:02

Oh my Lord he has definitely read the 'how to be an abusive prick book,' it's ridiculous how similar they all are.
I don't know your bf but I bet myself and anyone else who has been in an abusive relationship can probably tell you what he'll say next.
Listen at the moment he needs you to believe him so he'll be nice.
Once you're back there he'll start again.
The choice is yours do you want to be with someone who sucks anything good out of you to the point you don't recognize yourself or do you want to be happy.
This isn't a how long before I text him game.
You deserve so much better than him, he knows this which is why he's systematically stripping your confidence.
Block him from everything it may sound extreme but take the opportunity to get rid before it gets any more serious hun.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/11/2017 13:02

Oh I just shuddered when he said he wanted to be with you forever. What a horrible thought! It sounds more like a threat than a promise.

Honestly, OP, you sound way out of his league and I would bet anything that your health problems improve if you dumped him. He's terrible for your self-esteem, as he would be for anyone's.

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 13:05

I've read these sorts of posts before on here and always thought why the fuck if she still with him?! Funny how I'm going through the same sort of scenario myself now and am struggling to follow the advice I give to so many. I'm looking forward to a night to myself tonight and will turn my phone off and watch xfactor with something nice for dinner

OP posts:
MagliaRosa · 18/11/2017 13:09

LTB.

He is not a nice man. He doesn't know how to be a nice man. And even if he does manage to be nice to you for a little while it won't last. He won't be able to keep the facade going for very long.

I wasted 15 years of my life with someone like this, it started out with small "jokey" comments about my weight and my hair and the fact I chewed my fingers. If I ever got upset about his comments I was "too sensitive" and "couldn't take a joke". I remember him once looking at me - it was very sunny - and out of the blue he just said "you look really ugly when you squint like that" and he had this horrible disgusted look on his face. Even now I have to wear sunglasses in bright light as I'm paranoid about squinting. By the end I was an anxious wreck, indecisive because whatever I did he would say I should have done it differently and nothing was ever good enough. He moved the goal posts all the time and I never knew whether I was coming or going.

I suffered from bad migraines, IBS and struggled massively with my weight, was probably also depressed looking back. I left him 12 years ago - I've not had a migraine since and my IBS also disappeared too. I'm also several stone lighter as I now do a lot of running and cycling. I'm now living happily and healthily and he is still a miserable arse who's never happy with anything, there's always something he can criticise or moan about. I've nicknamed him the "dementor" as he can drain the happiness out of anything, but it's not my problem any more and that feels great.

So, basically, it will be tough, he'll try to tell you you're wrong but be strong, get yourself free of him and you'll feel so much better both physically and mentally.

Nanny0gg · 18/11/2017 13:18

I bet your IBS would improve immeasurably if he wasn't around making you feel dreadful and fuelling your anxiety.

What do your family and friends think of him/your relationship?

Bet he never says any of this in front of them...

Queenofthedrivensnow · 18/11/2017 13:22

Op whatever you do give yourself a good wedge of time away from him to sort your head out. I promise with some clarity inducing head space you will happily end things permanently.

Buy some nice food, make some plans with friends, make some lists if productive pleasing things to do with your free time and you will be just fine.

Take the focus away from relationships for a while. Focus on your health because ibs hurts like hell and you need to get it under control for your own sanity!

Original poster
Lulutiger1 · 18/11/2017 13:24

My family all love him but I'm very good at bottling things up and not making any of them aware of what's going on. I've always been like that which I know isn't healthy. And no - he wouldn't dare speak badly to me in front of my parents as he's always very polite when he goes to theirs. My friends don't really know him that well as I often just meet up with them by myself when he's busy doing renovating stuff on the house

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 18/11/2017 13:28

My family loved my abusive ex. So much so that they took his side when I left him and I no longer have anything to do with them. To be fair, they are the main reason I thought it was okay for me to be treated like crap. So basically, he chooses when to speak to you like that and can choose not to do it in front of people who wouldn't like it. But he had no idea. Let's not talk about him any more

Tell us about you.

Iooselipssinkships · 18/11/2017 13:40

I've read through the thread and wanna say you're doing amazing right now OP. It's not easy ending things let alone with an emotionally abusive prick. Get snuggled up tonight, X Factor on, Mumsnet for the ads and hot water bottle for the IBS.
If you feel like messaging him then come here first, read your posts and remember why you're doing this.
Chances are he's so insecure about his skinny frame and receeding hairline that he projects it on to you. He might even be jealous he can't gain weight and so that's your fault. Arsehole he is. You're not, you're awesome and I don't doubt there is anything wrong with your body, I bet it's sexy as hell and he can't handle it.