Am I Overreacting?

[Lulutiger1]

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

[Charley50]

Another one saying he's abusive and a twat and to get rid. He's causing you a lot of anxiety and the good times are just the high when he's not being quite as nasty, or is back with you again after dumping for a shitty anxiety inducing reason.

[Charley50]

Well done! Take control and honestly, make the break permanent.

[WhatwouldOliviaPopedo]

Send it, send it OP! You can do this - we'll all right behind you. Please, you are worth so much more. The man I'm with now, he adores every inch of me down to my wobbly thighs, big feet and grey roots. A man who truly loves you wouldn't pull apart you appearance at every opportunity.

[merville]

Ask him could he put on some weight cos he's too skinny, you prefer stockier men, its more manly. Also that you think you see a bald spot forming, has he considered preemptive hair loss treatment, you don't think he could carry off being bald. That his dicks not very girthy, is there any surgery he could have, it doesn't feel as good as your exes etc etc

[GreatStar]

Id send the text. But I'd make it short and sweet. We're done. Goodbye.

He's going to sweet talk you now though, are you ready for that?

[usernameavailable]

No no no no no, you are very much under reacting!

If my DP dared to say that to me he would be sent far away with many choice words said to him!

[Lulutiger1]

@Merville haha that really made me laugh.

Ok I'm going to send it. I'll let you know what his response is. He'll either be full of apologies or be really pissed off with the 'drama' and will agree to go on a break. If it's the latter then that will speak volumes to me

[Josuk]

I clearly should drink coffee before morning arothmetics. 2 sizes!!! And through being unwell.
Sorry OP.
And - the more you tell about your story and him - the worth it sounds.

It’s one thing to not like extra weight (or weight gain) - and totally another to get together with someone and set about changing their appearance. -

Send that text. And better yet make it shorter and say that you need to find someone who likes you the way you are.


Send that text.

[ItsNachoCheese]

Dump him and find someone who appreciates you for who you are and isnt trying to mould you into someone your not

[Regularsizedrudy]

Fuck that! You can do better

[GreatStar]

Good for you OP!

Hope you feel us all behind you xxx

[FinallyHere]

he also told me his ex had long nails.

And yet, and yet, she is an ex. Puzzlin', inn'it?

suffering quite badly from anxiety at the moment and can't bear the thought of going through a break up

It might sound impossible to you now, because he has been chipping away at your self esteem. Once you get rid of him, life will be better. We can all promise that.

He wasn't remotely bothered and just agreed with me. You try giving him some of his own medicine, pointing out things to change and he just shrugs it off. Why don't you do the same, when he points out your perceived faults? Ah, yes, he zoomed in on you, exactly because he spotted the way you respond to his criticism, changing to meet his demands. He is now playing a delightful game, to see how far he can push you.

Horrible, horrible man. Your next steps are simple, maybe not easy but very simple.

Text him that your relationship is over and tell him to stop contacting you. Immediately block his number on everything. Do not answer the door to him. Let him find somewhere else to stay while he renovates his place. If he has left anything at your place, put it in a bin bag out side your front door. If its not gone in a day or two just bin it, like you binned him.

Just read your update, and wanted to say, of course he will try to sweet talk you, if you threaten to take away his toy. The more you explain why you are breaking up with him, the more information you are giving him, to try and reel you back in. The kind of attention he gives you is not good fir you, it makes your IBS worse. This is your body telling you to get rid. Get rid and come back here. The support here will be good and your life will start to get better

[TammySwansonTwo]

Slight tangent, but IBS often has a gynaecological cause. If you have any problems with your periods (painful, long, heavy, irregular or anything else) look into endometriosis. Many women with this are misdiagnosed with IBS.

Lots of strength to you - you're doing the right thing. I have a husband who adored my body when we met (size 12), adored it when I was seriously ill (size 6) and adores it now I've had twins (14-16). I can't tell you how much difference it makes to feel that he genuinely finds me attractive, and it's just putting up with it.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Sorry, isn't just putting up with it!

[Lulutiger1]

Just sent it. Feel really stressed and I'm drenched In sweat!

I actually had a pelvic ultrasound @tammy as I did consider the IBS could be something like endemetrisos or cysts. It's all ok though. A lot of my test results have been normal which makes me think this is all because of anxiety

[ALittleBitConfused1]

When i started reading your post i thought perhaps he was wary, scared of getting hurt , worried about becoming vulnerable. Then I continued reading and now I just think what a fucking nob.
Look we all have a type, I personally prefer bigger men, I just love a man with big shoulders and a belly 😁 so I wouldn't begin dating a smaller man because I wouldn't find them attractive, horses for courses and that. I wouldn't tell them that though and neither I would start dating them using their size as a stick to beat them with. I would never become involved with someone wanting to change them or their physical appearance. Fuck them around for three months, hurt them then only decide to stay with them once they became something more like my preference. And I would never put conditions on someone based on how they looked and tell them what your bf had said about their physical appearance.
Be very wary of someone who insults you then says you've overreacted and remember I love you. He'll be telling you you're too sensitive next and trust me as someone who has been to hell and back, these are red flags for emotional abuse.
Everyone has the right to like what they like and refuse a relationship with someone they aren't attracted to. just as everyone has the right to be and look how they choose. No one has the right to do what your bf did in the first three months or say what he says to you about your weight. Personally knowing what i know, I would end it on that basis alone.

[KiaOraAura]

I bet he will twist everything he has done into being for your benefit. Then he will tell you how much he loves you and how he wants to stay together.

And hopefully your response will be to tell him to eff off.

[bastardkitty]

Whatever he replies, just step back and don't debate. Focus on yourself this weekend. Please yourself and take care of yourself.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Unfortunately if you have endometriosis it wouldn't show up on an ultrasound - this is why it takes up to 10 years to get a diagnosis, as most women are scanned and told it's clear so it's all in your head. If you do have gynae issues too, ask to see a gynaecologist and say you suspect endometriosis- you'd need a laparoscopy to rule it out x

[ElspethFlashman]

What a horrible horrible horrible person.

I truly hope you start to see yourself as being better than him. Cos you are.

(Couldn't be much worse, frankly)

[GreatStar]

Ok you've taken the first step in improving your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing!

Next step .... dont engage with him today. Going to be hard but step away from it all today or he will have you sucked right back in

[Crowdo]

I suspect the reason he isn't bothered when you make a comment about him is that he doesn't value your opinion enough to be affected by it.

I totally agree with a PP that this is the start of emotional abuse. Or at the very least, emotional neglect. Insulting you and then making out you've overreacted is an absolute classic.

[mussinboots]

He’s a controlling and manipulative d*ckhead. YANBU.

[Toprated]

You've done the right thing.

I hate it when people make personal comments. I always think, would I say that to them? And if the answer's no, that's it.

[nightgap]

you need to get away from this man> You are caught up in his fog, until you clear your head and your heart you will allow this man to belitte you.
control you and manipulate you.

this is just the begininng. You say he dumped you then wanted you back, if it didnt work the first time what is so different this time round. nothing.

he is using ex girlfriends to get a reaction from you, and sitting back probably laughting at you.

just get away before he really does damage you long term