Am I Overreacting?

[Lulutiger1]

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

Find some self-respect, please!

How old are you? You sound in thrall to this controlling man who will put up with you on his terms. How good of him! Just make sure you don't gain weight!
Stand up for yourself and try the "take me as I am" approach unless you want years of misery trying to be the right sort of woman for this user. Let him go and find his 'perfect woman' elsewhere. She doesn't exist. A Barbie doll might work. Most would tell him where to go.

I have stomach issues which were made much worse by living with my mother, seriously you will probably get healthier quicker when you get away from this horrible bf !

He replied now basically saying he was shocked to get my message and he loves me how I am and he has never meant to upset me, he can just be really insensitive without even realising it sometimes.
He also said he wants us to be together forever and he understands if I want to go on a break as he can see how much he's upset me.

Should I reply? Or just ignore for a few days?

100% put money on it that the OP is right now falling for his sob story and false promises and twisting it so she feels guilty

Doesnt matter if he didnt mean to upset you and he doesn't realise he's being insensitive. It's what he thinks. And you know that

Don't reply. Just ignore him. I know that will be hard but please try! Get out and spend some time this weekend with friends and people who actually care about you and respect you.

Definitely ignore for a few days and see how less anxious and stressed you are not being around him - my betting is you'll notice the difference. Beware that when you do speak to him he'll probably say all the things you want to hear to win you over. So I suggest telling him your GP wants you to regain at least a stone and a half to help your digestive issues and see how he reacts...

Well, I trust my DH to tell me when I'm stacking on the timber and support me in weight loss quests. However, we've been together 9 years and I know he loves the bones of me, no matter what size I am. He tells me what he thinks because I want him to - I would never forgive him if he let me go out somewhere thinking I looked like a dog - that's just who we are.

Uninvited comments on your weight and dumping you over it are a completely different issue, and not really good footings for a long and healthy relationship.

Ignore. Yeah so shocked . Not. Shocked because he didn't realise how far he's pushed you and didn't realise how much you had started to cotton on to him.

Haven't replied yet and he sent another text saying he feels depressed and helpless and wants to fix things

Ignore forever. This very unpleasant, judgmental individual wants a trophy, he doesn't want you. This constant criticism of who you are, what you do, what you look like is deeply damaging, cruel and abusive. You will lose your self esteem, self respect and sanity if you stay with this lowlife.
Don't listen to his empty, grovelling words which mean nothing. He has made it clear he would like someone who matches his idea of perfection and has yet to find out it doesn't exist. He does not love you I'm afraid. he just has a fantasy of what he wants you to be, but in reality will never be.
Just be yourself and find someone who loves everything about you and does not want you to change. He is a prize idiot and I doubt he's much to look at himself, he certainly has an extremely nasty personality.

When people do this it's a control thing.
He may not be consciously doing it, but it's " treat her mean to keep her keen " mentality. He puts you down, you try harder to please him, and emotionally cling on, hoping to gain some approval/ love.

Basically he is treating you like an object.
The you inside the body didn't matter to him, as long as the body is right.

I KNOW you deserve better.

It's very predictable. Honestly - go out and leave your phone at home. Or turn it off and put it in a drawer. Why's he shocked? He's been merrily saying all this shit to you. Did he think it would be lovely for you? I bet he's had this conversation before. Step back. Don't engage. A person who sends manipulative shit like that when you ask for space is selfish and disrespectful. So more of the same then.

Sorry op, Just rtt.
Great move for texting him. You are so doing the right thing.
And you ARE strong, that's his you sent it.

Haven't replied yet

It's only been 15 mins. It doesn't sound like you're intending to ignore him for long.

Please at least take a break from this guy for longer than 15 mins. He is bad news. I just wish you could see that OP.

So now you're supposed to start feeling sorry for HIM!

Unreal.

Whatever you respond, be business like in tone. Remember, you are no mug.

Whether he's meant to upset you or not are irrelevant though - he's told you what he thinks. Knowing he feels that way will gradually ruin your confidence, especially if you have children and your body changes. It's hard enough dealing with that without feeling your partner is judging your appearance.

Yes, totally agree with him, only woman smaller than a size 12 are allowed respect and to go on holiday!

What a complete and utter donkey he is! What will happen if/when you do have babies? You won’t be ‘perfect’ then. Go and find yourself a decent human being who will love and respect you. Do not be drawn into his abuse.

For depressed and anxious read: depressed because his strategy of dragging you down, wanting you to change everything for him is not working, he is not getting the celebrity he dreams of as you are bright enough to see through him...and anxious because you are his only hope, no one else would even look at him, especially when they hear how controlling and critical he is.
Now he's trying to manipulate you to feel sorry for him [it's all about him after all], it's pitiful and pathetic.

There is a cycle here, you pull away = he's nice

You draw in = he keeps you in your place by being insensitive

You react = he's nice .........

Get rid !!!

If he can't love you as you are then get rid of him because he is never going to be happy with you just the way you are!

he can just be really insensitive without even realising it sometimes.

'How do you know this as surely if you know this you would just stop being insensitive, especially to someone who you 'love'? Which to me just sounds like an excuse' to get out of jail free. You said that you find me fat so you are now free to toddle off and go and find someone that floats your boat. Fuckity bye'.

He’s not depressed by your text. He’s frustrated that you have a mind of your own and that he’s not getting his own way. He’s trying ‘I’m vulnerable and sensitive, honest, I just didn’t know my frankness hurt you’ manipulation. The translation of that is actually ‘I’m an asshole, because everyone knows you don’t criticise your partner’s appearance or compare them to your ex, but I think you’re a soft touch and I’ve enjoyed hurting your feelings so please let me do it again’.

Btw, if you do get back together he will be even more awful to you, because his efforts so far clearly haven’t broken your spirit to his liking.

Well done for setting down a boundary with this controlling idiot. He is obviously panicking and trying to make it all about him to reel you back in. I would not reply at once (if at all).

Your anxiety and confidence issues will never improve while you are with this man. Everything he says is gaslighting to make you doubt whether you are "good enough" and trying to convince you that you need to "improve" some aspect of your appearance (weight, hair, nails etc etc) - he is not going to stop this behaviour.

I would also question why he is trying to turn you into a copy of the gf that dumped him - it sounds like he has unresolved issues and his way of dealing with it is controlling behaviour

My ibs flares up massively if I'm stressed or anxious more than normal. I too have been totally checked to rule everything else out. It's linked to my emotions.

Dump him and you will likely feel better. Follow your gut!