Am I Overreacting?

[Lulutiger1]

Long term poster on here who has name changed for this as family members use this site and don't want them to twig it's me.

I've been with my OH for a year and we don't live together (don't have any kids or anything like that either).

When we first got together he was very hot and cold. He ended things a few times in the first 3 months but always said he'd made a mistake and wanted me back.

We haven't split up for 9 months now and seem to be in a much happier place and have been discussing me moving in with him.

That was, until last night!

I questioned him about why he used to finish with me a lot and he eventually admitted it was because I was bigger than what he normally found attractive. I was a size 14-16 then but I'm tall and have always been toned. I just had really wide hips and bum etc. I asked him if he'd thought I was fat and his response was "you know you were but you've lost some weight since then so it's all good".

I'm now a size 12 and he makes little remarks here and there like "when you lose another stone I'll take you away on holiday"
Or
"You're going to look amazing once you lose more weight".

I don't really know how to take this - do you think he's just being honest and it's not a big deal, or do you think he's really out of order?
I was very upset when he told me last night as it's not nice to hear that someone you love has thought negative thoughts about the way you look and tried to split up with you multiple times over it. Maybe I'm just being insecure though.

Thoughts please x

[Lulutiger1]

@Tammy I don't think he's interested in it. He's the sort of person that is brutally honest and would just tell me if he watches it. He said he used to when he was younger but it bores him now. He does comment on other women being attractive a lot though (he doesn't anymore as he knows it annoys me but he used to do it all the time). His favourite is Cheryl cole

[WindowWiper]

Have your health problems started since you’ve been with him - I’m wondering if he has access to your food OP...

[GreatStar]

his ideal is a size 8-10 - his ideal!!! HIS ideal?????????????? Sweet lord of almighty this gets worse!!

"I have very low self esteem. I like my face but have a major complex about my figure now." Course you do. Now. Of course. If you stay with him you may prepare yourself for even lower self esteem. And that complex about your figure .... yeah that's going to get worse too.

[Lulutiger1]

@hundredmiles I actually tried this tact before and told him he was underweight and I preferred muscles. I also told him his hair was receeding when he made a comment about mine. He wasn't remotely bothered and just agreed with me. Very annoying! Think that's why he doesn't get my anxiety over what he says as he doesn't find it a big deal when people say similar things to him

[bastardkitty]

Oh god, WindowWiper - I hadn't thought about that. I was thinking about IBS and anxiety because he is so manipulative. It's quite an important question you've asked though.

[Lulutiger1]

My anxiety has definitely gotten worse since I got with him as I often feel paranoid he's going to end things out the blue again. Plus being poorly for a while now with my stomach issues has been adding to my anxiety as I often feel very unwell.
He scoffs desserts and chocolate in front of me all the time which doesn't help when he wants me to lose more weight

[GreatStar]

OP are you going to stay with him?

[bastardkitty]

Does he cook much?

[DeadButDelicious]

He's a prick. Ditch him.

[Lulutiger1]

He's never cooked for me once. We don't live together and he always has to come to mine as he's currently renovating his house and it's a total bomb site (no kitchen at the moment so he can only have microwave ready meals when he's at his).

[falange]

Nasty bit of work. He’s sown the seeds of that in your brain then told you to forget it. Not nice. Dump now.

[Lulutiger1]

He text me this morning and I haven't replied yet as having a good think today about what my next step should be

[Joysmum]

Do what makes you want to be with someone who gives you anxiety? You need to work this out to be able to change.

[coastalchick]

I'm so sorry to say this but he doesn't love you. If he did, weight would not be an issue. I echo what a previous poster said: what if you have kids and can't lose the baby weight. You don't need that pressure. If you got really sick, would he push you round in a wheelchair? Probably not. You sound lovely and can do better.

Get rid of him now before you waste any more time on him. There is someone out there who will love you for every bit of you. Good luck. x

[bastardkitty]

That sounds like a good plan. Also, expect him to be super-attentive as you cool your behaviour towards him. It will be short-lived. Tryand step back and observe what he is doing and how he operates.

[GreatStar]

Next steps? Great big strides more like. In the opposite direction.

I think you're going to stay with him in the hope he will stop. He may. But it will be short lived.
He's not bad Craic though .... using your place all the time cos of his rennivatiinz and then basically shagging you off to your face

[GreatStar]

*slagging you off

[AlternativeTentacle]

There really is so much wrong here the more you post.

[TammySwansonTwo]

He sounds pretty narcissistic to me, it's bizarre that your comments about his appearance don't affect him - either he has some issues there or he genuinely doesn't care what you think and would never contemplate changing for you.

I'm begging you to get away from him. You don't live together, it's easy to end this from a practical point of view. He's going to make you seriously unwell, not least if you're naturally a 14-16 and he wants you to be an 8-10. Fuck him - he loves you as you are or he fucks off, that's the rule.

[WhatwouldOliviaPopedo]

Have you always had IBS problems or just since you met him? Because it can be triggered by stress and anxiety, and it sounds like this relationship has an abundance of both. Or maybe he's slipping you laxatives when you're not looking in a bid to make you lose weight... (I'm only half joking too.)

Seriously, run a mile. One of my exes told me at the six-month mark that it was amazing we were still together because he didn't fancy me that much because I was too tall/too curvy for his taste . I dropped him on his arse and I suggest you do the same to this numpty.

[Pretenditsaplan]

I admit my first thought was he wanted you thinner and you suddenly get sick and start to lose the weight when youve never had this issue before...

[Greycat11]

Dump him and find someone who will love you for you, no matter how your shape fluctuates or looks change over the years like everyones do. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you feel insecure or upset. He sounds like an immature shallow twat.

[Joysmum]

Next step would be to say you have realised he’s not the right person for you and to end it.

There are 2 things here:

a) he’s not good enough for you (or anyone!)
b) by staying with him you deny yourself the chance of finding real happiness

[Lulutiger1]

Always had a bit of IBS but it's really flared recently and I've been having lots of tests done at hospital to rule out anything more sinister. It's been very hard and mentally draining feeling sick all the time

[Lulutiger1]

I have written him a long text stating exactly how I feel and how much his behaviour has upset me and is completely unacceptable, and also how I think we should go on a break so I can think about what I want next. I'm too scared to send it as it's going to open up such a can of worms. Ugh! Wish I could be a lot stronger in this situation as I know deep down that you're all right and he's being awful to me