I have cheated on my DH

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I want to be as quick and non identifying as possible, but it's hard. Need to get facts down, I just want someone to know.
My DH and I are both late 20s, and got married earlier this year. We lived apart before marriage, so I moved into his rented house in a different city, and country - technically! I am still working from home for my old company which is great money wise, but meant that I was also keen to reach out and find some friends in the area.
Oh, I'm also a recovering alcoholic so go to AA meetings. Anyway I used the app Bumble, but only the friend option, and met some lovely woman in the area. My DH is not into me going out loads, and thinks we should do way more as a couple. He is also very serious about his religion.

Anyway, out of interest I went onto the dating section and was blown away by the attention from guys (loser that I am). Especially one guy. We met up and snogged, I didn't say I was married. Then we had sex and I din't tell him I was married. Then the guilt got too much and I told him. I fancy him so damn much, and compartmentalise totally when I'm with him or DH. He agreed to keep seeing me after finding out - same age as me, very different ideas about life.

So. I sometimes lie and get away from my husband and fuck another man, after less than a year of marriage. Oh, and we just bought a house.

I am awful I know that, but I feel so numb to it. I feel very lost.

[Wineandworkout]

OP you sound mature and willing to be honest with yourself. Sorry to see the hostility here from some posters, but of course we have all been hurt by infidelity at some time or another so it's an emotive subject.

So ... you don't know what you want, you sort of love your husband but are clearly not satisfied by him, and you are obsessed with the OM but not convinced it's more than infatuation. Your husband, surely, must notice something is not quite right. You sound like you have never really had much freedom, that there is always someone disapproving of you (the church, your husband), and you haven't had the space to work out what you really want. Can you explain this to your husband and tell him you need some time alone to work on yourself and your needs? I don't think it would necessarily be helpful to tell him about the affair at this stage - it might just hurt him without achieving anything, but you're best placed to judge that. It certainly sounds like you would benefit from time alone, away from people who judge you, and you mentioned your job was quite well paid so presumably you have the finances to make that possible. I hope you work things out.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Thank you so much Cabin - very helpful and practical too. Hope you feel better soon

[MINEareCRAFTy]

The feeling of not fitting is really telling. It's a horrible gnawing lonely feeling. We are social creatures who crave love and to feel part of something so to not have that feeling is extremely painful. Please get some psychotherapy, get one that comes recommended and get stuck in. It will hurt, but will be worth it in the end. And the stuff about being child-like, everything is about trying to get comfort or relief for you. I'm sorry things feel so hard

[MINEareCRAFTy]

There is some lovely advice on here

[FurryDogMother]

Although many people would say that you're hurting your husband more than anything - well, you would be if he found out - I think the person you're hurting the most is yourself by doing this. Many, many years ago I did something similar - my first marriage - I cheated. It made me despise myself - not least because alcohol was involved. I still feel shame for what I did - I should have ended my marriage rather than cheating (I did end it eventually, and hurt the man I was married to profoundly - I still feel terrible about that). You must feel the terrible weight of guilt, I'm sure you do. Don't carry on like this. There is nothing good in your current situation. End your marriage and sort your head out.

Some years later, I met and married my second husband - almost 20 years ago now. I was totally honest with him about what I'd previously done, and have been faithful to him throughout our marriage. He had a 'history' too - and he has remained faithful to me. I like to think we learned from our mistakes. I am not a bad person, but I have done things I'm not proud of. They don't define me - don't let your situation define you - work to change it.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I haven’t been exactly where you are OP but I was close. After a weird childhood myself and then a weird teenage hood I also developed a drink problem. I drank to dull the gnawing anxiety I had had my whole life that I didn’t get treated until I was in my twenties.

I was very damaged and still drinking when I met the man who became my fiancé aged 22. I did love him, but I think I always knew it was the wrong sort of love. He was safe and kind and good and I was damaged and mad and thought I was bad. It made sense that I would choose him. He was nice to me and the previous few years hadn’t been full of much of that. I got engaged to him and brought a house.

Then six months before our wedding I met someone else. It was different from you situation in that I knew I loved the other man- I was instantly smitten. Luckily he was in no way up for an affair, I was sober but volitle. Luckily the potential OM wasn’t. He said he was falling in love with me too but it was a non starter if I was marrying my fiancé. So I didn’t. I left him. It was a bag of shit, I lost money, I lost friends, I lost my beloved cats but I knew it was the right thing to do. I didn’t start drinking again.

A decade plus on I am married to the man who wouldn’t have an affair and have two lovely children. My parents were furious, my grandparents genuinely heartbroken and my sister loved my fiancé, she was gutted. My best friend also thought he was the bees knees so was completely floored by all of it. But you know what, not a single person I loved stopped loving me or talking to me because of it. I had a bad six months but it was fine very quickly. You can always leave.

I also have a friend who left her husband after a drunken fling when they’d only been married 8 months. At the time it was all very shocking but ten years on she’s remarried with kids. No one died. The world didn’t stop turning.

I know you’ve got the religious aspect and I sympathise- I have relations who are jehovahs witnesses and one was thrown out of her congregation when her husband (not her!) had an affair. But at the end of the day if you have a true faith you believe God will forgive you and if you don’t well, bollocks to it, who cares?

You can always leave, you can always change your life- houses or no houses, husbands or no husbands. Leave and have a better life. Don’t self harm with this casual sex and drug taking to mask your unhappiness. Get therapy and get free. You’re still so young.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Flip I want to cry now, these last posts. Thank you.

[JWrecks]

@FellOut, wow what a great post.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

I get the feeling you don’t like yourself much OP and that you almost wanted a kicking here, but I won’t do that- you’re in pain and you’ve self harmed with booze and self harmed with sex. Stop hurting yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a nice life.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Yup, self harm is a familiar..friend. :( Genuinely, why is this thought to be a troll thread? Is it not tame enough? I don't understand

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Yes FellOut's post really helped me

[Cabininthewoods69]

Nice to see some support on here. You can do this and you will then your be stronger then ever x

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

Autumnal lived it: learnt it.

As for the troll-hunting, I think some people just haven’t experienced some of the more soap opera-worthy things that happen in life. I have, so I believe you’re real. I almost always brought those soap opera plot-twists on with my own daft decisions but then I was a fucked-up individual, raised and abused by other fucked-up individuals. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. All you can do is recognise it, get help for it or (to quote Philip Larkin) don’t have any kids yourself

What are you going to tell your GP?

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I certainly need help with the anxiety, low moods, feelings of worthlessness and helplessness - not sure I can tell her about an affair though.

[PerfectlyDone]

I am so glad you've got an appointment with your GP lined up.

Please be as honest as you can bear to be - trust me, she will have heard it all before.
Much as your situation is of course totally unique to you, the general set of circumstances (fucked up childhood, addiction, religion, dysfunctional relationships etc etc) are all too common.

You need more than a bit of counselling IMO from what you have been writing here

Clearly you are besotted with the OM, but please reflect on how fucked up the whole situation is and how very likely it is for all or some of you to be badly hurt as things unfold.

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

You can tell your GP about the affair. They won’t judge. I spilled my guts to my GP and she was so nice and offered solutions: short and long term. Asked me what I wanted. I needed that question asked. What do you want? What would perfect look like? What would change in the life you’ve been living to make it happier?

[Thinkingofausername1]

I hope, you are having protected sex for the sake of your husbands sexual health!!!!!!!!!!

[everyonehasissues]

Excuse after excuse if you truely love your husband you wouldn't do any of this.all your doing is making excuses I hope your husband finds out and leaves you your sick a year married and you e cheated what's it going to be like in 5/6 years time if yoy choose to tell him and he acceptes it??? Once a cheat always a cheat. Disgusting

[ThaiRedCurry]

I think leave husband. But be very aware that the fling you are having won’t last it’s just something to fill and empty space at the moment.
I hope you find your happiness soon just try not to hurt anyone along the way

[MINEareCRAFTy]

It always really interests me as somebody that works with relationships, the really extreme reaction to this sort of problem. Words like "sick" and "disgusting" are usually affiliated with murder and such. I'm not saying I don't appreciate that it brings about really strong emotions in people but that really is extremely strong language for a situation where we have very little context to be able to judge. I wonder if a little more compassion and open mindedness is what helps marriages.

However, like I say, lots of this has been constructive advice which pleases me.

Take care OP, try to be kind to yourself as if you can do that then your actions towards others will be kinder too

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Thank you MINE.
Yes I'm having safe sex...cant wait for GP, can't wait

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Most responses have been very helpful, so thank you generally. The being besotted is very unfortunate and hard

[WanderingTrolley1]

How long had you been with stour husband before marrying?

One year in and cheating doesn’t bode well for the future.

[HamSandWitches]

Tell him then he can choose to stay or go.