I have cheated on my DH

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I want to be as quick and non identifying as possible, but it's hard. Need to get facts down, I just want someone to know.
My DH and I are both late 20s, and got married earlier this year. We lived apart before marriage, so I moved into his rented house in a different city, and country - technically! I am still working from home for my old company which is great money wise, but meant that I was also keen to reach out and find some friends in the area.
Oh, I'm also a recovering alcoholic so go to AA meetings. Anyway I used the app Bumble, but only the friend option, and met some lovely woman in the area. My DH is not into me going out loads, and thinks we should do way more as a couple. He is also very serious about his religion.

Anyway, out of interest I went onto the dating section and was blown away by the attention from guys (loser that I am). Especially one guy. We met up and snogged, I didn't say I was married. Then we had sex and I din't tell him I was married. Then the guilt got too much and I told him. I fancy him so damn much, and compartmentalise totally when I'm with him or DH. He agreed to keep seeing me after finding out - same age as me, very different ideas about life.

So. I sometimes lie and get away from my husband and fuck another man, after less than a year of marriage. Oh, and we just bought a house.

I am awful I know that, but I feel so numb to it. I feel very lost.

[SparklyMagpie]

You need to take responsibility for this shit storm. You're a big girl, you made your decisions

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Replacing addictions - this is both very interesting and very upsetting to me. I can see it though. I want to keep going back to him and have him tell me I'm beautiful. So lame.

[GinIsIn]

You aren't happy so all you've done is swapped reaching for a drink for a different vice. Essentially you ARE drinking again. You're exhibiting exactly the same behaviours and addictions, you've just picked an alternative poison.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

You're an addict. You'll always find something to be addicted to, unless you get proper help and support. It used to be booze, now it's either drugs (depending what you mean by the 'high' comments which you aren't addressing) and he is either supplying them or enabling you to take them - in which case the OM doesn't actually matter, you're only shagging him to enable drug use.

Or your 'high' on the cheating, which is feeding the part of you that needs to be high on something.

Please get help, real expert help.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

The OM makes me feel high, and I also sometimes smoke with him. So it's very much addiction replacement then - I think it's a reaction to the massive change my life has undergone (by my terms anyway).

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

When I say he makes me feel high, the sex is amazing.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I'm an ex addict op.

In recovery, my counsellor was adamant I shouldn't get into a relationship. You choose either someone to fail with, or someone to prop you up. Neither is healthy.

It sounds like you went for a safe bet, its not working though is it?

Do the right thing, tell your husband you need time apart,, then make it happen. You owe him that surely?

Do to you feel any guilt?

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I hate this basically being me drinking again

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I had one day where I had such physical symptoms of guilt it was like a migraine - shaking, tingling fingertips. Then I got properly I'll with a bug not long after, and since then the immediate guilt has lessened

[Gazelda]

OP, you faced the alcohol addiction and sought help. Tell your GP that you need help again.
But also, please stop disrespecting your husband. You say he is controlling in that he doesn’t like you socialising a lot, but also that you are going away this weekend. So he can’t be that bad. Do you think he deserves this treatment?

[SparklyMagpie]

"Oh I'm so lame" "a loser" cut the woe is me crap! You have nobody to blame but yourself

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

[HadronCollider]

If your DH knows you were an addict, it's understandable he would want you to limit time socialising where alcohol could be a feature and a temptation.

[Wherearemymarbles]

I suspect the OM is as happy as a pig in shit as basically he’shaving no strings sex.

Maybe your husband doesnt like you going out alone as he doesnt entirely trust you.

You cant stay, OM will move on an you will find someone else to cheat with.

Imagine having children in this situation....

Maybe some therapy might help

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

That is NOT the way it works - my husband has alcohol in this house, so I doubt he's worried I'll be tempted by the bars of x city

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

OM (who is the same age as me) has said as much. He acknowledges the taking advantage . He unfortunately knows my husband very slightly and doesn't like him

[JWrecks]

As much as you don't want to leave, as difficult as it will be for loads of reasons, and as much as you'd like to continue the way you are - seeing OM as lover, then coming back to DH as wifey - that's simply not possible love. Soon enough, somebody will find out. This isn't fair to either man, nor to yourself.

The worst part is that you've already just gone through this, admitting the alcoholism and taking steps to remedy it. This - admission and the massive life upheaval that results - is going to feel the same, particularly the part where the people in your life find out. It's no wonder you don't want to do it.

But you really do need to love. If you don't, the longer you leave it, the more everyone will get hurt in the end.

[OnionKnight]

Your husband needs to LTB.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

JWrecks Thanks for being kind

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I just feel I don't have the strength for it. I'm terrified

[oldlaundbooth]

England?

I thought you were gonna say Saudi or something.

Just leave.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

Well, it is very far from home..🙈

[Regularsizedrudy]

Why can't you leave? Why don't you want to answer that?

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

I don't have enough money to leave right now as we have bought a freaking house -
and my parents would never take me in.

[AutumnalMelancholyCat]

And I still believe that I love my husband. Despite what I'm doing