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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have cheated on my DH

180 replies

AutumnalMelancholyCat · 02/11/2017 16:07

I want to be as quick and non identifying as possible, but it's hard. Need to get facts down, I just want someone to know.
My DH and I are both late 20s, and got married earlier this year. We lived apart before marriage, so I moved into his rented house in a different city, and country - technically! I am still working from home for my old company which is great money wise, but meant that I was also keen to reach out and find some friends in the area.
Oh, I'm also a recovering alcoholic so go to AA meetings. Anyway I used the app Bumble, but only the friend option, and met some lovely woman in the area. My DH is not into me going out loads, and thinks we should do way more as a couple. He is also very serious about his religion.

Anyway, out of interest I went onto the dating section and was blown away by the attention from guys (loser that I am). Especially one guy. We met up and snogged, I didn't say I was married. Then we had sex and I din't tell him I was married. Then the guilt got too much and I told him. I fancy him so damn much, and compartmentalise totally when I'm with him or DH. He agreed to keep seeing me after finding out - same age as me, very different ideas about life.

So. I sometimes lie and get away from my husband and fuck another man, after less than a year of marriage. Oh, and we just bought a house.

I am awful I know that, but I feel so numb to it. I feel very lost.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/11/2017 16:56

So your husband doesn’t even deserve your honesty?

Bonez · 02/11/2017 16:56

SparklyMagpie thought so. So OP blatantly sought out the men. Disgusting behaviour OP.

wrenika · 02/11/2017 16:57

Grow up, tell your husband, he deserves better.

SoupDragon · 02/11/2017 16:58

Leaving would be exceedingly difficult

I imagine it would happen easily if you told him you were cheating on him.

Leave him.

bigfatbumfreak · 02/11/2017 17:00

You need help OP, your trying to self destruct.

SparklyMagpie · 02/11/2017 17:02

Bonez yep! I tried it once after reading about it in a magazine, you have to be the first to message and then it gives you like 24 hours from the other one replying back or something. Either way it's all on the woman's terms. So she did actively seek someone on there

WitchesHatRim · 02/11/2017 17:02

Leave your DH so he can be with someone that doesn't cheat on him at the drop of a hat.

Original poster
AutumnalMelancholyCat · 02/11/2017 17:03

Bumble shows who has matched with you - woman then has the first word.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/11/2017 17:03

Why is leaving so difficult?

Fragglewump · 02/11/2017 17:05

I think you are probably enjoying having both these men - you seem to get a thrill from the attention. You need to choose op.?

TeslasDeathRay · 02/11/2017 17:07

HadronCollider has it right. You and your husband don't sound well-suited. He might have been "the one" at the time when you were looking for stability. Now you have it, you've realised that you don't have the same ideas about what you want from life.
It seems that you feel tied down by him, and seeing the other man is an escape from that? Or you're feeling so unhappy being with your husband that you're looking for the "high" that your addiction used to give you?

This is not a good situation for you or him. You need to work out what you're going to do to change things.

ElephantsandTigers · 02/11/2017 17:10

I'd say you sound like a teenager as you sound so immature but my 14 year old as more maturity and morals than you.

Do not have kids with your husband. Don't fuck up a child's life. It's cruel and unjustifiable. Do the decent thing.

You are going to fuck up many people's life's because you want sexual gratification and won't accept you're an adult.

RoryItsSnowing · 02/11/2017 17:15

Your poor husband, leave him so he can find someone worth his time.

Original poster
AutumnalMelancholyCat · 02/11/2017 17:15

I want to feel better . And I don't want my husband to know. Honesty

OP posts:
blueshoes · 02/11/2017 17:18

OP, after a certain age, this behaviour is neither cute nor clever. It is pathetic.

ShellyBoobs · 02/11/2017 17:19

And I don't want my husband to know...

I hope he finds out what you’re doing.

Poor man.

ElephantsandTigers · 02/11/2017 17:22

Of course you don't want your husband to know Hmm. Think about what you are doing. Honestly.

notsohippychick · 02/11/2017 17:22

Do you think you are seeing this other man because of the thrill and the 'high' it gives you? I'm wondering if you are trying to replace the feelings that booze you to give you. However the thrill and the high should be that you are at peace with yourself, you are sober and living a life without alcohol.

However, this is not an excuse to cheat on your husband. You sound very powerless to stop continuing with this, you also sound very powerless to leave your husband. Which you are not. You have to make a decision, you CANNOT carry on cheating on your husband.

DiegoMadonna · 02/11/2017 17:22

"Leaving would be exceedingly difficult"

Lots of things in life are difficult. That's not a good reason not to do something.

Leave your husband.

WitchesHatRim · 02/11/2017 17:25

And I don't want my husband to know. Honesty

Well that's wanting your cake and eating it.

Lies and deceit will always come back and bite you at some point.

He has a right to know.

Hermonie2016 · 02/11/2017 17:27

Do you have childhood trauma? Before you make decisions to leave your husband see a counsellor.

In the meantime stop seeing OM, think of it as an addiction similar to alcohol.You are using alcohol or this man to mask your real feelings.Your talk of high and lows could suggest an underlying mental health condition so try to see a physiologist rather than counsellor.
You might feel you can't afford it but 6 sessions will be the cost of 2-3 hours of a divorce lawyer..which is where you are heading if your husband finds out.

DuckOffAutocorrectYouShiv · 02/11/2017 17:28

You sound quite vulnerable to me, to be honest. Yes, adultery isn’t ideal and I don’t condone it, but there would appear to be some more complex issues afoot with self esteem and addiction/risky behaviour. I’m inclined to agree with the PP who says you are in self destruct mode. I don’t think all the posts berating you are particularly helpful. I think the sex is symptomatic of deeper issues and those would best addressed with some some sort of talking therapy. I agree a chat with your GP would be a helpful step.

Original poster
AutumnalMelancholyCat · 02/11/2017 17:32

I'm so glad I got the GP appointment I almost cried - I just feel I need some help or some stabilising. Whether that's pills or not I don't know, but it will be good. My childhood was weird but not abusive or anything. My whole family would be utterly shocked by this - I doubt they'd speak to me again, at least for a while. That scares me. And losing another support network

OP posts:
DuckOffAutocorrectYouShiv · 02/11/2017 17:33

Hermoine talks sense (assume you mean psychologist rather than physiologist?j

SparklyMagpie · 02/11/2017 17:34

So why don't you want your husband to know then OP? He could possibly make leaving easy for you by making that decision

How can you go and meet this OM knowing what you're doing?

You deserve all that you get, I can imagine you'll end up on your own after all this blows up

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