Help me answer a text from my ex

[southernharp]

My ex h left about 18 months ago. It then transpired that he had an OW. Same old, same old script. She was a casual friend of mine and his work colleague. I detest them both for all the deceit and for their casual treatment of me after a 25 year relationship. She doesn’tt even have the good grace to look even remotely sheepish if I see her and looks at me with utter distain.

He wants to take the kids away for 10 days in January on a multi day river kayaking trip. My kids are 11 year old twins. This will involve a significant journey there and back, requiring en route stays in hotels, motels, whatever. She will be going too. It makes me feel physically sick to think of her sharing a room with my kids, eating dinner with them every evening, having breakfast with them every morning, sharing a kayak with one of them, basically acting like she is their Mum. It feels like she came to my home as a friend, looked at my life and thought “that’s what I want”.

I know that I can’t outright refuse the trip and. I have to let them go. I have been stalling and largely ignoring his hectoring texts but I will need to give an answer at some point. I am so reluctant to say that’s fine, as I am not at all fine with it. I don’t want him to be any under any illusion that I am cool with this and that I condone his relationship with this woman. Can anyone help me word a text in reply?

It's just that when a person looks bitter then all that happens is that their ex thinks 'Phew, thank god I managed to get away.' and everyone else thinks they had a lucky escape.

Tell him you need the dates asap as you & your new toyboy want a weekend together 😂

Actually, don't do that. If he is as much of an arse as he sounds then he will chuck that at your children. Utter backfire.

Tell him he's a wanker & the only reason you are agreeing is because you want what is best for your kids. Then do a subtle ' packing will be your responsibility & check school' dig so you've given him just enough info to make his brain go 'oh shit' but not enough to spoon feed him dates etc

...and bitterness invoke pity - and in this situation I w Utd rather chew my arm off than have the twat feel pity for me!

Ive seen too many of my daughter’s friends feel trapped and hurt by eating parents.

Whatever your feeling about your ex, your children will suffer in the long term.

"Yes, they can go. Let me know the dates."

If he asks anything about school or packing: "That's your responsibility."

Op I don't blame you in the slightest for how you are feeling. However, your obvious resentment is hurting noone except your children. They have to spend time with their father and therefore the OW. If they know that you have I'll feelings towards her, they will feel guilty and anxious about having a good time. That isn't fair on them and it isn't anything to do with them. As a parent you want your kids happy and not anxious. Your ex doesn't care how you or your children feel.

I would tell him what dates you'll be taking them away and ask him to confirm his dates. Make it clear to him that all clothes and equipment prep will have to be done by him and to make sure what dates the kids need to be back at school (and also if school uniform or anything needs to be bought).

If the kids want to go I'd just reply asking for details and informing him he needs to provide all their clothes etc for it.

JW that reply is awesome! That one OP. I love it.

Im a single parent to an 11 year old. Although now i would like the time off in your shoes i would reply to say "i'll ask them if they would like that".
Id be worrried that a newly loved up pair wouldnt watch the kids like i would.

Pooryorrick is right!

I like the biff stuff, although it is more bif as I won’t be friendly to the twat. I am going to send something minimal today.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my utter disgust with the OW. I’m not going to pretend I like her and I am certainly not waving the kids off with a happy heart! How could I possibly have a happy heart? Surely I am allowed my own private feelings? But I largely disregard her in front of the kids - don’t ask, don’t mention. If they say something about her, I will say something like “oh, well that’s good”.

I am imaging a reverse here and wondering if the OW would get some of the reverse suggestions.

“II met my partner a few years ago as work colleagues. Our friendship turned to something else after a while and so he left his wife of 15 years who he has been with since they were teenagers. We have kept things on the lowdown hoping she won’t find out and make a fuss. Now that she has found out she is being really difficult with us both and just won’t accept our love for each other.
Anyway my DP wants to take his children away for a kayaking holiday in the summer holidays and the ex is being really difficult because I am going with them. I am fine around the kids and have had a couple of weekends away all together already, although we didn’t tell the ex because we knew she would get annoyed. Unfortunately the kids told her.
She is being really unreasonable as all we want to do is have a family holiday together for a good chunk of the holidays. I never talk about her in front of the kids and I always take my complaints about her outside, right outside the kids bedroom windows.
She won’t look at me except with distain and I find that quite tricky as we used to get along well. I even spent a couple of christmases in their family home and she bought me Christmas presents.
My poor DP just wants to spend some time with his kids and give them a little treat as he doesn’t usually get to spend money on them and he really needs me to go along as apparently I am really great company.

Possible answer.

Well you clearly get along with the kids and of course they should spend some time with you as you are so central to this situation. The ex just needs to wave them off with a happy heart making sure she has packed everything they need. Make sure she is giving your DP some money to pay for the trip as she will be saving herself 10 days of feeding them. You will need to remind her that you will eating out a lot and so she will need to send them with a cash contribution. This must be very tricky for you and I really feel for you.

OP I 100% get where you are coming from with the last two posts..'my' ow I am sure has spun a whole version of her affair with my ex which allowed her friends and family to be delighted to welcome him and i found it v v hard not to use social.media to contact a few of them..they knew my MN name so I did post a few very pointed and obvious things on here that made me feel better.

You absolutely have the right to loathe and despise this woman and her role in the family breakdown. It does not make you bitter and I bloody hate how that word is used to prevent cheated on spouses expressing the extent of their hurt. I think it makes other people uncomfortable to know how much damage affairs do and so they try to take away your right to hate the ow..so many posts on here that say it's not down to ow but the spouse. It's both and there's not a finite amount of hate to be shared out..there's plenty for everyone.

BUT.. you do and think all this in private, with your close support network and 18 months on you don't let it show in your dealings with the ex. if you want power, if you want to piss them off, do that. No amount of sarky comments about what he should be doing as a parent will play well or have the effect you want. you've got the idea now that your text should be as neutral as possible. Do that, then have an enormous rant in an appropriate place.

And the appropriate place is here and on my best friends sofa.

To be fair, I think if any OW posted on here she'd get slaughtered.

You've got every right to feel as you do, of course you have. It's a horrible, painful situation and you don't deserve it. But for the sake of your kids and your sanity you must ACT dispassionately with their dad and express your totally justified feelings another way.

I’m sorry you felt so attacked at the beginning of the thread and if my response had anything to do with that.

Through my ordeal of my H having 2 affairs and revealing a gambling habit that left us £250k in debt before he fled to the US leaving me and our 1 year old homeless...a friend sent me a card with a quote from Buddha...

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.

I can honestly say it was the most profound thing I’ve ever heard and really helped my mental state.

Holding on to anger indefinitely is obviously bad for you but IMO anger can be a useful emotion and is justified in these situations. Op is allowed to be angry as long as she doesn't share it with her DC . I missed my anger when it went, it gave me the energy to keep getting up in the morning, without it I was like a burst ball. Nobody tells a grief stricken person to get over it and in my experience this is a very similar type of loss.

I can understand your hurt and anger, but you really need to keep your message unemotional. A simple "yes they can go, but need to be back at least two days before school starts to recover". No packing or anything else, it's his problem (however if your boys want to take favourite clothes that's ok as long as they come back). If you send angry or emotional messages they'll just laugh/roll their eyes at them - don't give them the ammo..

As a second wife and step mum (not an ow - the ex wife had the affair), I can assure you that taking two children from a previous relationship is not easy/always fun - the first holiday could be very hard work for her...

18 months is not a long time OP. You will still feel raw and angry. ANd that's fine.

I think what most posters were trying to get across was to not show that hurt and anger to him - just because it's not all that good to be the textbook "bitter ex" (even if you are!) and because they just won't care. They may even feel justified in their actions - because you're angry and bitter.

So for your own well-being - be breezy and business like. I think we all loved JW's message because it was honest and hard-hitting - rather than passive aggressive and snipey. There is a subtle difference.

Hopefully, as time passes you will be able to heal, and let go a bit - but that doesn't mean you have to like her. Or him. None of us would tell you to like the OW. And yes, if the OW were to post on MN, she would indeed be slaughtered

Been in your shoes OP. I dread the idea of bumping into my ex, the OW and my toddler when they are out and about - all together like a happy family.

You've got to remember that you'll always be mum. She'll just be dad's new girlfriend/whatever. Draw some confidence from that and let them have their holiday, you plan some nice stuff while they are away.

Hold your head up high. There's no text that'll show your ex and your vile ex friend just how low they are.

When I feel angry about stuff like this, I try to tell myself I need to be an example to my son of how a strong person behaves when life throws the shit. X

I like Darkpeak's message - so simple and straight to the point. Permission is implied, no expression of any emotion whatsoever, just "Let me know the dates" and that's it, done.

Any further communication from him about what they might need can be met with "you can sort that out".

And I have to agree with the comment about holding onto the anger. It might seem trite now (it probably does) but it is worth thinking about.

Another one is "the best revenge is a life well lived" - the more he thinks you're still affected by him and his actions, the more his controlling heart will gloat over that. Indifference is absolutely the best way to go, with cool civility, the same you'd show to an acquaintance that you don't really know well enough to like. Treat them both like that - as even ignoring her presence shows that she affects you more than you'd like them to realise.

You don't have to ever like them. Or have them round for dinner, or be in their direct company (although you might have to go to shared events at some point). But you do need to cultivate indifferent civility - nothing grinds controlling bastards gears more than realising they no longer have any hold over you.

What Changedname3456 said!

That is how a real, loving mother and strong female puts her children first .

Your issues are not your children’s issues and SO many women on here and in RL need to let it go and focus on the love for the children . They can never have too much love .

Maybe changed name and movie night would like to pass on the benefit of their experiences on this matter. I would love to know how you can get your head around accepting an OW into the life of your children and being gracious when it has been at the expense of your own family life. And being civil and friendly. Doesn’t this suggest that this is ok behaviour? It’s not. Did you accept an OW and her part in your disappointment and betrayal? What about the ex. Did you in any way hold him responsible.

And I think that movie night needs to pull her head in about the real loving mother thing. It is almost like there is a suggestion that I am not a real loving mother because I have feelings and want to discuss them.