Help me answer a text from my ex

[southernharp]

My ex h left about 18 months ago. It then transpired that he had an OW. Same old, same old script. She was a casual friend of mine and his work colleague. I detest them both for all the deceit and for their casual treatment of me after a 25 year relationship. She doesn’tt even have the good grace to look even remotely sheepish if I see her and looks at me with utter distain.

He wants to take the kids away for 10 days in January on a multi day river kayaking trip. My kids are 11 year old twins. This will involve a significant journey there and back, requiring en route stays in hotels, motels, whatever. She will be going too. It makes me feel physically sick to think of her sharing a room with my kids, eating dinner with them every evening, having breakfast with them every morning, sharing a kayak with one of them, basically acting like she is their Mum. It feels like she came to my home as a friend, looked at my life and thought “that’s what I want”.

I know that I can’t outright refuse the trip and. I have to let them go. I have been stalling and largely ignoring his hectoring texts but I will need to give an answer at some point. I am so reluctant to say that’s fine, as I am not at all fine with it. I don’t want him to be any under any illusion that I am cool with this and that I condone his relationship with this woman. Can anyone help me word a text in reply?

Of course, you could take the kids on the same holiday just before so they're extra exhausted, irritable and over it by the time they go with their dad
That's an amazing idea!

OP - I have been in similar gut wrenching situations with my XH and DC's, I have found talking things like this through with my Counsellor has helped, you mention seeing one and I would suggest talking to them if possible. You have a lot of natural anger and frustration to work through.

Sorry you have been treated so shamelessly by your DH and this woman.

To get through decisions like this I solely focussed on my DCs, it is an adventure for them and something they will enjoy. Trust me it will be a very long 10 days for her in an awkward and new situation.

Make a plan now to fill those 10 days with new experiences, maybe a few days away, meet ups with friends etc. You deserve a break and some 'me' time. These type of things will get easier. The first break is very tough.

Talk to him as if you are talking to a virtual stranger. Just confirm necessary facts and move on. Don't give them the satisfaction of being difficult, they will love that.

Please don't put the children in a face to face awful situation as suggested, they will want to please both of you and can't. That would be incredibly cruel to them.

Please also don't compete, take them on other holidays, wear them out etc as advised. The only ones that will be effected by that type of behaviour are your children.

You are in a new phase of life, it is exceptionally hard and extremely unfair but that's how it is. Please just focus on the children's needs and that will help you to make the best choices.

But I will be taking them away just before their trip as I want my summer holiday with them too and that will be my only chance. Not to the same place. Not a big fan of the central north island and the drive from here is massive and arduous.

I am quite liking permission granted. I am not even going to mention packing and clothing. I will just not engage when he makes assumptions about my involvement in this wife work. He does need to ensure that the children will be back in good time for the start of the new school year and find out the dates for himself. This will require some work from him.

My reply would be, 'You need to sort this with the kids. They are not sure if they want to go, and are old enough to make up their own minds".

I’ve been in a similar position as you OP. Just stick to the facts. Ask what you need to know, arrangements, times, contacting them etc.

No need to be nice.

‘let me know if I need to send them with anything, what I need to pack for them, can you also provide me with all the details of the trip, where they will be staying and when. Let me know times and dates for collection and pick up. Any contact numbers you can provide me, plus any other information’

I think if I say I am leaving it to the kids he will pressure and upset them. I have been applying for new jobs and he has been pressurising them about that and what they know and so he does have form for this.

I would reply.
The kids haven't told me whether they want to go or not so you will need to talk to them. I expect you to have adjoining but separate bedrooms as it is unfair to put them in the position to share with a stranger.

If people really want the best for these kids they'll stop encouraging the OP to

• put doubts in the kids minds about whether they want to go or not
• feed into the idea that this new woman broke the family
• put the responsibility on the kids to give the 'right' answer to their mum about the situation

And people wonder why kids are damaged in divorces!!!

I agree with detachment
and coolness. 'Assuming the kids want to go then yes. Please confirm details of dates and times.' That's it. Any mention of you packing for them or whatever is met with 'i have provided x,y,z for our holiday. It's up to.you to sort x for yours'. Depending on how high up the moral.high ground you want to be, if there is specialist outdoor kit that they do already have you could let them take it on the understanding that it is replaced like for like if it gets damaged or lost. I absolutely agree with what pp said about not being the bitter ex. You fake it til you make it. 3 years on I am largely 'meh' about anything ex and ow (now his wife ) do..and that includes their wedding where my kids were bridesmaids. The best way to get over this is indifference and detachment.

It should not be the kids decision, they are 11 with a very confusing and emotionally charged narrative going on around them. They need to know that it's a holiday, they are going, and they should enjoy themselves.

Take the other adult themes off their shoulders.

I had a similar request from my Ex (although I do have grounds to protest, as in the thread I posted about it. )

My initial response was very blunt, ie “Obviously it’s going to make me unhappy, as most mothers don’t enjoy being apart from their children.” It isn’t your job to be pleased about it, so why pretend?

You have a good point about the “wifework” aspect as well. That’s a trap I always get sucked in to!

I’m not daft karate. I welcome any effort at being helpful with this, but I am not going to ask the kids again, nor talk to them about my misgivings. They both broke the family together. He keeps telling me that I need to accept the OW as he intends having a relationship with her for a long time. I don’t think I do need to accept her. I need to treat her as irrelevant.

OP, i feel for you. I really do. You said 'control is his thing'. If you show you are still angry at him he will think he still has a control over your emotions. Keep the text minimal but indifferent. He has no right thinking you are still angry and or hurt because of his actions.
You have already suggested he takes them alone, this shows your not going to just accept this woman and their relationship. Honestly, I would just put...i am agreeing to this for the kids. Just let me know dates.

Hope you are OK OP

If he’s not asking; and you don’t want to convey friendliness that you don’t feel; can you not just reply professionally requiring him to clarify what dates he’ll be collecting and returning the children?

It looks suitably unemotional and he may well interpret it that you’re going to make alternate plans whilst they’re gone.

Anything too emotional is going to come across badly, he’ll twist whatever he reads into something that suits his own agenda. It’ll only fuel his fire to have confirmation that this is still hurting you and you are still angry.

I think angrybird’s response is spot on.

sorry you have been through this OP.

I would make it clear that you will not be providing their holiday clothes. If you don't and they don't pack enough clothes etc exDH and OW will spend the whole holiday blaming you. If you tell him now, he has no excuses and you can tell the twins that their dad is sorting out the clothes, etc. Tell him it is his holiday, therefore he needs to pack their cases you are too busy. Also, I would tell him when the twins are back at school.

How about this.

Permission granted. Obviously it does not please me that you are either unwilling or unable to enjoy time on your own with the kids, but you must live with that choice. Please check when school begins after the summer and ensure the kids are back in good time. Provide me with your preferred dates as soon as possible in order that I might make my own plans whilst you are away. I assume that I will have a similar amount of time to make my own plans with the kids earlier in January.

Perfect 👌

good response but how about.

"Obviously it does not please me that you are either unwilling or unable to enjoy time on your own with OUR kids"

Or even MY kids. That generally presses his buttons when I say that!

obv don't put "our" in caps that was just my suggested amendment

Or even MY kids. That generally presses his buttons when I say that!

Please don't. Playing silly games never ends well.

Yes, MY kids is even better - perfect