Help me answer a text from my ex

[southernharp]

My ex h left about 18 months ago. It then transpired that he had an OW. Same old, same old script. She was a casual friend of mine and his work colleague. I detest them both for all the deceit and for their casual treatment of me after a 25 year relationship. She doesn’tt even have the good grace to look even remotely sheepish if I see her and looks at me with utter distain.

He wants to take the kids away for 10 days in January on a multi day river kayaking trip. My kids are 11 year old twins. This will involve a significant journey there and back, requiring en route stays in hotels, motels, whatever. She will be going too. It makes me feel physically sick to think of her sharing a room with my kids, eating dinner with them every evening, having breakfast with them every morning, sharing a kayak with one of them, basically acting like she is their Mum. It feels like she came to my home as a friend, looked at my life and thought “that’s what I want”.

I know that I can’t outright refuse the trip and. I have to let them go. I have been stalling and largely ignoring his hectoring texts but I will need to give an answer at some point. I am so reluctant to say that’s fine, as I am not at all fine with it. I don’t want him to be any under any illusion that I am cool with this and that I condone his relationship with this woman. Can anyone help me word a text in reply?

Be honest with him. Tell him it hurts you to think of all of them on a family holiday whilst you are still dealing with the break up of your marriage. That’s why you’ve delayed getting back to him. But you need to let them go. You need to address your jealousy. Look forward to the 10 days and plan a holiday for yourself in that time.

I really feel for you as well. I can well imagine the bile coming up your throat at the thought of her playing happy families with your husband and kids. The fact that she looks at you with total disdain tells me she would love to know how hurt you are and how she has 'won'.

But remember this....her 'prize' is a cheat and a liar who has a couple of 11 yr old kids. 10 days of putting them first, morning noon and night will soon tarnish her trophy, I'll wager.

I was going to say don't worry. He will have them full on for ten days which will wear his patience and her mask will no doubt fall after that length of time with someone else's kids taking the attention away from her.

It absolutely won't be ten days of a bliss playing happy families, despite what facebook may portray later.

I agree with Double. It amazes me how some parents seem to think it’s their right to force some random person into their children’s family just because it suits them, without even consulting the children about their wishes. At 11 they are old enough to decide for themselves whether they want contact with this woman who destroyed their family and, had I been given a choice at that age, I would have had nothing to do with my so-called “step parents”.

to be honest, however you word your response he is just going to read "yes".

Please don't start using your children as pawns as some posters are suggesting.

Just reply 'Let me know timings and details. Thanks.' And leave it at that. If you start a passive aggressive war over this, he can really jerk your chain by not giving you all the info, making sure the kids don't contact you during the holiday etc. So don't go down that route if you can avoid it.

Ask your children whether they want to go with the ow.
If they say no, then you can reply back in that vein.

My dns still refuse to have anything to do with their DF ow. People can choose who they have a relationship with.

You are not going to comvey the nuances of how you feel in a text, don't even try.

But I can understand you don't want to use the word "fine"

Does it have to be by text? Have you no other means of communication?

I would absolutely do what Karatekitten and Karma have posted.

Do not make a thing about this - be business like and breezy. Make sure he is paying for any specialist clothing/equipment they will need.

Re-frame your mind about this - act as though you are pleased to be having a child free 10 days. Do not act like the crazy, bitter ex wife that he will have portrayed you as.

Yanbu to be upset by this though.

Obviously you've every right to feel as you do; you wouldn't be human otherwise.

But you really do have to just put it aside and be businesslike in the communication. They already know how you feel about it and they don't care.

Absolutely do not do that horrid passive aggressive, hissing in the ear emotional blackmail crap. You'll damage your kids, your relationship with them and look like a fruitcake.

I agree with others that whatever Facebook says, a ten day trip with two young children is not going to be the idyll anyone is imagining. And if you're lucky, the pair of them will get slapped in the face by a flying fish.

Don’t ask if there’s anything special they need to pack. It’s his responsibility to provide clothes and equipment for the children while they are with him. What will you do if you get back a long list eg sleeping bag, mattresses, special clothing, waterproof sunscreen etc ?

I’d remind him what size of clothes the children are currently wearing so he knows to buy the correct size. And what styles they prefer.

If he sees them regularly I assume he has a full supply of clothes / toiletries / toys for them at his house.

By the pair of them, I obviously meant the adults, not the kids.

Please don't get angry with people on here.....everyone has been kind!

Do they even know how to go kayaking?

You will have to let them go I'm afraid. He has as much right to take them on holiday as you do xx

OP, I’m sorry you had to go through this. But, you know yabu and that you need to let them go. It sucks that he is taking the OW along but you split 18 months ago, it’s not like she’s someone he met a few weeks ago. You need to be brave, send them off with a smile, and plan lots of lovely things for you during the time they’re away.

OP - l am in the same position. STBXH and l split 4 months ago. He has booked a holiday abroad with OW and the children for May.

We have never been abroad as a family . I have looked up the legality of it and as we both have parental responsibility we can take them away but need a letter of permission from the other parent. Knowing where they are is really important to me as my ex doesn't like me knowing where he takes them on his weekends.

I will not pay for the passport and l am certainly not packing or purchasing any items they will need.

I will ask him to write the exact amounts of how many t-shirts, socks etc he wants and they will be handed to him for him to pack. He has never packed for a holiday for them and l don't do "wife work" anymore.

Thinking of you OP.

Yup it's a shit feeling isn't it. And makes all the hurt feelings flooding back full force.

Do the twins know about her? And met her? He's playing Disney dad for sure. Is she a competent swimmer and is proficient at kayaking? Especially if some wild waters to be experienced.

Difficult to help with text response without knowing the above. But if the twins want to go all I think you say if you want to be a little snippy is "I'm concerned at the nature of the trip without me being there and the twins safety and I am sure you understand this. It has come as a shock... remember although she has been in your life for a long time the twins and I weren't aware of her for the same amount of time. Let me know dates and times and contact arrangements whilst you are away"

If your kids are telling you that they don’t know if they want to go, I’d assume that this means that they definitely do want to go but they feel guilty telling you that because they know it will upset you.

Alternatively, you could assume that they don't want to go but don't feel they can outright say it because they don't want to upset him.

I'd send one of the placeholder messages from above, saying the delay is because the DCs haven't made their decision yet and add in that you'll ask again when they're back from school. Sit and have a chat with your DCs and explain that if they want to go they'll need to tell their dad soon, and find out why they aren't sure. If they confirm they want to go then send a simple 'DCs have decided they'd like to come. Let me know timings and details etc. Thanks'.

Sorry you're going through this Op.

Totally understandable, and I’m guessing part of their hesitation is to ease
Your feelings, they will sense how you feel about him and ow.
I don’t blame you at all for feeling like this and it’s tough but very good parenting of you to realise you need to say yes, what a fab adventure!

For the text I would keep it short and snappy, and don’t offer to do anything if you don’t want to, let
Him organise kit/drop offs etc.

How you respond all depends on whether your DCs want to go or not.

part of the dynamics of the affair is that he tells the OW you are deranged, the OW tries to convince him at every opportunity that he is right. Don't feed their narrative, your best way to tell them to fuck off is to show you do not care at all about their life as a couple and give them a wide berth
very wise advice.