Ridiculous things your ex said at the time of your divorce/separation

[helpmeseethefunnysideplease]

Mine has today told my (lovely) solicitor that she is

"pedaling in a world of deception and untruths" yes presumably his

Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

(I did leave, and he didn't report me because it was bollocks)

'You'll regret it and miss me' Nahhh.

Couldn't help but feel a teeny bit smug years later when he admitted he did with a few pints in him.

'I wondered how he'd got so woke. He was fucking a 21yo student from his mental health support group, that's how.'
Sorry but ROARED at this. Hope it's cathartic to write it.

But what does ‘so woke’ mean?!

I'd just divulged to our relate counsellor that ex had been hitting me. Ex said "she makes me hit her, it's all her fault" Counsellor said really slowly "hmmm, Brabenot must be veeerry, veeerrry powerful to make you hit her" He went mental and got kicked out.

When I re-married, ex said " I give you 3 months before he starts hitting you". Now, 25 years happily married, 2 grown up children and DH has never and never would hit me.

When I first left ex my mind was in a turmoil and one night I got really drunk and was arrested. The police insisted I rang ex to collect me (this was in 1990) When I told ex where I was he said scathingly "in the gutter again!) This is now a joke between dh and I, if we have difficulties such as being skint, we both say "in the gutter again"

When I left ex for the final time, he was on his knees clinging onto my ankles, crying "you HAVE to love me, you MUST love me". No I don't, good riddance!!

Another problem was, he would rarely have sex or even touch me and as I left he called "come back, I will have sex with you, I will try and touch your fanjo"!! Bleugh....

That I would never manage without him and that I was a shit mother.

Fixed my own dishwasher last week. With the help of my very capable 7 and 11 year olds, who told me that I was brave and a genius

'I knew you didn't have PND, you're just a miserable bitch'
The classic 'You only married me to get pregnant'
'I don't do anything with the DCs because you take over and don't let me'. He boasts to people about how little he got up in the night to the DCs and once went to the pub rather than help me clean up a vomiting child.

'I never go out' closely followed by 'I only go out because you're so miserable'.

After splitting we were still sleeping together ( I’m a twat I KNOW) He swore on our child’s life that he wasnt sleeping with anyone else....he was. !

When I found out he actually had a girlfriend and had being seeing her for 6 months I threatened to tell her that he was still sleeping with me and had spent Christmas with me and our child...... he told me I was imagining it and the men in white coats were coming for me!

Of course I sent her a msg with some screenshots for proof.

So then he told her I forced him to sleep me with me in order to see DD  which she believed 

All pretty amicable now. Mostly feel sorry for her and happy I’m rid of such a dick.

Also from a diff ex when I was 19— I broke up with him cos he snapped my straighteners in half in a fit of rage. He said no one will want you - look at the size of you. I was a size 12 with a bit of a belly.

He messaged me around ten years letter asking to go for tea as I was the only girl he ever loved and always judges a girl by me. Then started bombarding with with messages until I blocked him 🙄

Please don't leave i don't even know how to buy pants? Along with our daughter will be pregnant by the time she is 16 if i leave? As well as no other man will want me? By the way said daughter is no 22 and no not a mother although she has made a good life for herself she's a successful pastry chef and has an equally successful partner with an equally successful career as a chef. Yes he's a knob seen him in March at our sons wedding. Hadn't seen him in 10 years and he said i looked fabulous he was hoping i'd got fat and aged. He had Lol

So, so many things he said. I liked “you’ll need me to come round and help, you won’t be able to get the Christmas tree out of the loft without me”
I think it’s still up there, I got a real one from ikea. He never liked real trees, I did.

Oh and “I’ll give you some money in July, you’ll be feeding the kids then” what on earth did he think they ate the rest of the year? He never did pay anything.

"I don't want anything to do with the DC if we spilt" (said to prevent me ending r'ship)
"Let's be friends"
"Its your fault other women keep dumping me if we were still together I wouldn't have to go through this"
"Please have an affair with me"
"I don't want DC around my gf that's my private time"
"I understand now why men kill their exes"
"If you report me/call police I want nothing to do with DC"
After we spilt for final time he refused to hand over keys to my home ( my name only on lease) as he liked to arrive unannounced especially if I was out and usually when he knew DC weren't in either. One time I had to leave myself ,didn't know how to get rid of him so I ran out onto street with him pressed up against glass front door pleading me not to leave him.

Recently adult DC cancelled meeting up one afternoon telling me reason few days later "ex found out I was meeting you and wanted to confront you one last time I wasn't allowed to tell you"

Eldest DC is early 20s and I haven't seen ex in over a decade. We spilt when youngest DC was a toddler!

This is now a joke between dh and I, if we have difficulties such as being skint, we both say "in the gutter again" grin

I like this . I’m going to try and use my ex and his still incoming insults in the same way.

If you don’t laugh about these things you’ll cry.

My best friend always looks at my bag (same one for last three years) and says “spending all your kids food money again eh?”

I’m trying to imagine a lot of these men and I keep seeing Alan Partridge

My ex said a number of horrendous things but the one that makes me smile is when he called me a gold digger.

I earn way more than him, walked with nothing from him and he never paid maintenance in 6 years. (He even kept my lovely camera ...tosser )

"If you keep DD1 & @ 2, myself and the other woman will bring up DD3 as our own. Said to me when DD3 was a month old and fully BF.

Roundthehorn that is bloody awful.

to all of these.

Ex said to mediator that I was unreasonable thinking that he and my (also ex) friend had 'somehow betrayed me' by having an affair.

What was I thinking, eh?

I’m trying to imagine a lot of these men and I keep seeing Alan Partridge haha, me too

olddear I'm the poster with the notverysuicidalMrMuscle and the Pledge. He had so many areosols ducttaped round his head and chest that you couldn't not laugh. There wasn't much hilarity during the incident itself but afterwards, the best thing I did was roar with laughter. He looked like the ridiculous, self important twat I already knew him to be.
I actually made a mistake in my earlier post. It was vegetable oil he was pouring over his body and trying to ignite. He was drinking the vodka. Every bloody neighbour was out on their steps, a narrow terraced Georgian street in East London. How I held my head up high in the coming days i never know.

That I have to wait until youngest DC is 18 before having a new relationship.

That I have to put all my money into the DC's bank accounts.

Control freak ex.

An ex boyfriend called me a "gold digger" which was amusing as I had a professional job and he was unemployed- I used to send him his train fare to come and see me. If I was a goldddigger I was a pretty rubbish one.