Ridiculous things your ex said at the time of your divorce/separation

[helpmeseethefunnysideplease]

Mine has today told my (lovely) solicitor that she is

"pedaling in a world of deception and untruths" yes presumably his

Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Mine was going for full custody. Despite the fact he didn't have a job, anywhere to live, bother paying maintenance or bother turning up to see his child when it was arranged
Also when he thought I would be splitting my savings with him
My solicitor wrote back "there's not a judge in the land who would take the savings from a hard working single mother of 3 to give to you"

Been 4 years since he was going for custody

Bought a house with an ex and within a few months things were going wrong. He said "I'm treating this as a trial period and if I'm not happy I'll move out". A trial period?! No mate, a trial period would've been to rent a place to test the waters first, not make the massive commitment of joint owning a property That was a tough and expensive lesson I learned!

Same ex, same time frame, said he thought I'd give up my job once we'd moved in together. Hmm, let me get this straight, we move to an area with fewer career opportunities than we had where we used to live, have just taken on a big mortgage, and you thought I'd give up my well-paid job (which I need to pay said mortgage), and didn't think to discuss your assumptions with me before hand? Was he going to pay for me too? Of course not, so how the hell I was going to earn enough money to pay my share is beyond me. Then again, one of his pet phrases was "oh, I didn't think if that"

STBXH waa outraged when I suggested I might be entitled to a share of the house. Apparently my solicitor is doing it wrong - he'd know, given he started a law degree and never finished. And he told me freezing the joint account was illegal. Bellend.

I've got to place mark I'm afraid. I'm agog.

My Ex listed my families assets as his own on his Form E and thought he could claim 50% of literally my parents house and even my Aunties house!! My solicitor could not believe it!

He also listed things such as the children's xbox as his assets and thought he could get half of them?? Hilarious (imagine un plugging that from DS room and saying 'no sorry this belongs to Daddy now")

He also tells everyone I got 85% of the family assets and he was left penniless. (Truth - he emptied our bank accounts and i got 85% of sweet fuck all!!)

I forgot the classic; ‘You have the kids and I’ll have the dog, it’s only fair’

My dad is going through a divorce now. His SBXW (who is 19 years younger!) asked for the whole house, (no DCs from the marriage) 50% of the value of his business and £3000 spousal maintenance each month. My dad is 67 and the resale value of his business is less than £500. His solicitor had a bloody good laugh!

Mine said in front of the judge that the death threat wasn’t serious as it wasn’t in his interests to kill me.

I was given two days to leave during the week of my Dad's death.

He told me that I am incapable of love (I had a long, happy marriage before meeting him, have friends and family and have worked in caring professions. Most people find me warm and loving - including his own family. He has severe ASD, was estranged from his family when I met him and speaks to no one but me and his students - when he has too.

He also told me that he felt sorry for me as he didn't think I would cope on my own. When I met him he was living in complete squalor, had bailiffs knocking the door because he couldn't organise his bills despite a high salary, had no central heating because it had broken down and he didn't know how to get it fixed and no washing machine for the same reason. I owned my own, lovely, clean, warm house and beautiful garden, had a fulltime job, had been a single parent and successfully raised my son under difficult circumstances.

He also told me that I should kill myself (I suffer from major depressive disorder) as my son would get over it.

I have fun making up new sweary ways to describe him. He is at the very least a selfish, clueless arsehole.

My ex told me he would spend the rest of his life making my life miserable. He did not succeed but has tried for about 12 years.

"Well I've been married twice and now I'll be divorced twice and both times it wasn't my fault". I told him he was talking shite and we would each take 50% of the blame! He is still bitter after 20 yrs!

My ex who was seeing another woman (but furiously denied it) said he lost respect for me ( which meant he lost respect for himself obviously) and i watched TV in the evening s and he had never liked that. Unbelievable thats when i told him to get out and i haven't seen him since....together 18 years get a lot of pleasure every time i renew my TV licence lol

Mine said recently (when I'd scrimped to buy dishwasher) 'oh I've been replaced by a dishwasher and a corner couch!'....em, no u were out because u were a selfish man child, who actually couldn't load a bloody dishwasher.

" dont have time for the DC put them up for adoption I need a social life "

I was so stunned and sickened I'd no words, I just looked at him pointed to door and said "OK"

2 years married, discovered an 18 month affair. He wrote and asked for half of the wedding presents. I wrote back and told him to ask each wedding guest who they would like to keep their present. He didn't bother to ask them.

Still can't believe he actually had that thought process.

Of course this means I can never come back now... wtf
He had moved in with ow by then and had found out that I was seeing someone. Like i would ever have him back

ExH was on the (US) GI bill which included a spousal stipend. Asked me not to file for divorce as he would lose the stipend. When I did, he threatened to sue me for alimony due to 'his lost income'. Also, during our marriage I was comfort eating and gained 30+ lbs which I rapidly lost once he was gone. When I saw him 6 months later to file taxes he said "Why did you never look that good when we were married? I wouldn't have left" (Yes you would, I kicked your sorry ass out, remember?). He then proceeded to force me up against a wall and said "Once more, hey?". He got short shrift and told to leave or I'd call the cops.

An ex-bf (who admittedly did a number on me and broke my heart), upon giving me his 'breaking up talk', gently took my hand and asked me very solicitously not to commit suicide over losing him. AS IF!!! Snapped me out of whatever heartbreak quick-fast, let me tell you!

Not a spouse but an ex told me he was going to sue me for compensation for the psychological damage of breaking up with him. We were literally just dating, no shared assets or anything.

Reading this has made me realise how bloody lucky I am with Mr Schadenfreude, for all his numerous faults (I don't have any, obviously).

There are some real wankers in the world.

We get on fine now and I suspect this was mostly the shock talking but my ExH sincerely believed a judge would force me to leave the marital home to live in a garret but be ordered to come back each morning and evening to look after our DC whilst he was at work. It didn't pan out that way.

Not a man, but when I told my mother I was breaking up with an ex, she responded with genuine concern:
'Are you sure? No one else will have you.'

Such a babe.

He wanted the blender "for sentimental reasons"

I kept it.

In country when he loudly ‘expressly objected’ to me being entitled to human rights (when judge had told him his previous suggestion restricted my human rights.
Judge looked at me briefly and in that second I could read the word ‘twat’ flitting through his brain!! Knew I was ok then.
Other one was in court during ‘discussions’ re access and he could t remember the DCs dates of births and asked ‘what are they again hun?’ He never ever ever called me hun, but did the ow.
Too many others to mention.
Much better life without him but I’ll never forget how he hurt my dc.

Nasty ex - “nobody is going to want you with a disabled kid”

I believed it too.

Deluded ex - “you’re not thinking straight, you’re depressed”

‘Depression’ lifted when he left. Everyone keeps asking how my (non existent) depression is.

Can we still be friends

I remember thinking that would basically be like having a nice shower, shaving, moisturising and doing a lovely condition treatment only to get out of the shower and put back on the same knickers