Ridiculous things your ex said at the time of your divorce/separation

[helpmeseethefunnysideplease]

Mine has today told my (lovely) solicitor that she is

"pedaling in a world of deception and untruths" yes presumably his

Don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I’ll only pay maintenance for the DC if you open a separate account and produce monthly receipts showing what it’s been spent on

CMS put him straight on that one!

Fairly recently, having reappeared 13 years after walking out and leaving me with a 6 month old: “I’ll break you if it is the last thing I do.”

Any time you’re ready, sunshine!

Mine said “I’m not ready to forgive you yet”

He’d been cheating for over 8 years

When I told him the guidelines for maintenance amounts he sneered, refused and said:

“I don’t have that money and if you spent a bit less of your money on handbags, you’d have plenty each month to feed your child...”

My child eh? Just mine?

The irony being I work in retail buying and the only bag I’ve ever paid for was £20 from Zara....

...this from the guy that went out and bought two giant 3D TVs for his flat, two XBOX players, a fish tank, soda stream, electric barbecue and top of the range Nespresso in the first few months of his new place.

But yeah, blame my £20 polyurethane bag......

👜 😂👜😂👜😂👜

Jog on twat....

That he’d get full custody (abusive, violent, psychotic)

He’s never met her except once as a newborn where he shouted abuse at us in the street

If I start about the crazy things said by XH I'd never stop... let's just throw this one in. Following the exchange of Form E, he told me his solicitor had said that my lover would be expected to contribute to my household costs. "But did you tell him that I don't have a lover?" I asked. He had no response to that. On another occasion he said that he would agree to sign the divorce papers on condition that I signed an affidavit that I would not date anyone else. I said would he also sign one of the same? He said no, because "that's different".

Mine (kids dad) wrote a long, abusive letter to my solicitor, implying he was only acting for me because I was sleeping with him (my solicitor).
SHE was most surprised, but soon put him straight.

"pedaling in a world of deception and untruths'

I'm sorry but I LOVE this I'm just going through it now...will report back if I get anything as deep and evocative as that!

Not sure that ridiculous is the word for this, really, but

“I’d never take the children back to [180 miles away]. I wouldn’t ever do that to you or them”

Probably the most impactful promise, other than our wedding vows, she broke. Far from the only one though.

After our divorce my ex -H got a sperm test (which showed he was infertile) as his parting gift (his words!) to me. He had always known he couldn’t have children, and actually he didn’t want children, but he knew I did so he let us TTC for 2 years even though he knew it would never happen.

The sperm test was so I would know I could maybe have children with someone else. I really think he thought it was a kind gesture and I’d be grateful!

ALL my exes want me back. You will too

My ex wanted it written into the court order that I couldn't have a man stay over night in the house.
The judge looked at me and said back to him, I'm not writing that into an order.

My exh told me he was going to sue me for having an affair with a colleague.

This was a year after he walked out and there was no affair and he knew it and how could he sue me even if there was?

"I want you to have a termination because a baby will ruin my chances of going to the World Cup next year".

Baby was planned.
First mention of the proposed World Cup visit.

'I can make you an employee of my business and pay you a salary instead of CM. It means I will pay less tax'.

Mine said that I left him ''on a whim''.

He always had his own reality though.

My ex who recently got together with my best friend (!) and then proceeded to be offended when I said I thought it was weird said to me in that phone conversation (he called med) "you're still completely deluded. If you're supposedly so happy in your own life, why does this bother you?"

My lawyer had contacted him to say that if he continued with his threats and harassment we would have to consider further police action.
He responded by saying "I'm not threatening anyone. But if she doesn't stop this divorce i will make her life hell. I will destroy everything she knows and loves. She'll beg me to come back. I will come after her family, her dogs. I will make sure she gets fired from her job etc etc"

Oh there was another nice line about decaptitating those who were helping me with a rusty spade.
Always sensible to say that kind of thing to a lawyer. Via email so on the record.

A couple of months after we split I had a serious car accident (luckily no one was too badly injured). My ex phoned me to say that God had visited him in a dream to say this was the beginning of the judgement and if I didn’t take him back some much worse things were going to start happening to me

My X-H told the mediator that I was out of order wanting to divorce him for 'unreasonable behaviour'. The mediator asked him what behaviour did he think I was talking about. He responded - leaving the house on a Saturday morning, going boozing with his mates, then going to a football matches, then back to the pub and not coming home until Sunday night. The mediator asked him when he looked after his son and did he contribute towards mortgage and bills? X-H responded, women look after the kids and she earns more than me and anyway, when we got marry, she said I could still go to football!

We get on ok nowadays, but he still doesn't get what he did wrong. (That was as well as stealing from me to fund his gambling habit).