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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

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Original poster
pointythings · 30/11/2017 08:09

springy and seeds the house is in joint names. It is unlikely that he meets criteria for an occupation order though I will try that route the moment he shows the first sign of anything at all. And I will go the illegal route of slinging his stuff out and changing the locks if I have to. He will be calling estate agents on day 1 no bullshit. But I have to try and keep it legal.

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Jux · 30/11/2017 11:11

I’m glad you’re getting respite now. Any idea how long he’s likely to be in for?

It is very unlikely he’ll do much real looking for somewhere to live (I’ve read far to many threads here!), and the chances are that the only way he’ll find a place is whenhe either has to move back in with his mum (not relevant in your case), is sofa surfing at friends, or you find im somewhere and do what you said up there: sling his stuff out and change the locks. Be prepared!

Enjoy the time you have now, with your girls.

Original poster
pointythings · 30/11/2017 11:30

I don't know how long he will be in for. If rehab it will probably be weeks. And yes , I will probably have to do much of the legwork to get him out. I will do it though. Meanwhile we will enjoy the peace.

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lightattheendofatunnel · 30/11/2017 14:14

I've sent you a private message.

Original poster
pointythings · 30/11/2017 17:01
Flowers
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Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 16:01

I called the hospital where H is today (needed them to do a sick note for his work) . He will be in between 10 and 20 days and they will let me know. He is being treated for addiction, depression, anxiety and the physical effects of his latest relapse and is doing well. They are also reaching life skills like managing life alone. Meanwhile we have peace here. It's a good breathing space. Going to the cinema with DDs tomorrow and we have an archery shoot on Sunday. Respite is good.

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Seeds1962 · 01/12/2017 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 17:51

DD2 and I shoot barebow (we both have a modern takedown). DD1 shoots bowhunter - she has a compound because she's hypermobile and it's better for her shoulder.

It's a one arrow shoot and all proceeds are for charity, should be lots of fun. Our course builder is evil. In a good way. It's surprising how many archers there are on MN...

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Jux · 01/12/2017 18:20

My dd is about to start archery! She’s been looking to do it for aaages, but College gets in the way of fun Grin

Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 20:03

Tell her to do field archery, not target! If you tell me roughly where you are (pm if you want to) I will pm you some links for field clubs near you.

It's so nice to not be talking about relationships for a bit.

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Seeds1962 · 01/12/2017 21:55

Pm me if you also want to have a go at target Archery and want details of local clubs :) I do both sorts, shoot a recurve bow. Pm me for more details, as what I put was a bit outing, previously. Sorry!

Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 22:12

Target has its moments, but I've always done field - I know a lot of people who do both though.

Our club runs taster sessions as and when, but you'd need to be in Suffolk for that to work. Target is a really good way to learn technique though.

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Flinkyflonk · 01/12/2017 22:13

*Pointythings
*
I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to say that your girls will thank you for being strong. I know it won't be easy for you but you are doing the right thing Thanks

I was the child of an alcoholic Mum and my Dad refused to accept/acknowledge it. I don't hold a grudge against my Dad as he really didn't know how to deal with it. But it wasn't pleasant for me and I often wonder if withdrawing the support (enabling, as some would see it) would have resulted in a better outcome.

I think it sort of ruined my Dads life the more I think about it.

Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 22:18

Thank you, Flinky. Voices like yours really help. I am not going to waver, my resolve is strong, but hearing from people like you helps me not beat myself up about what I'm doing and that matters a lot.

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Seeds1962 · 01/12/2017 22:23

Koko. As someone who is a child of an alcoholic father I do know how awful it is.

Original poster
pointythings · 01/12/2017 22:27

Seeds I had a lengthy conversation with H's key nurse today and he was fabulous - totally understood the perspective of the relatives as well. It's so good he's somewhere with people who are trained in addiction, including its effects on families. He's being equipped with the tools to realise how this has affected us and that is really vital.

And with every day that he is not here, every day that I see my DDs relax and unwind and enjoying life's small pleasures, I grow stronger in my resolve and my knowledge that this is the right thing to do.

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Flinkyflonk · 01/12/2017 22:32

You're doing so well already pointy and it's even better that you can see and feel a change for the better in your DDs.

Hugs to you though, however unMumsnetty that seems to be. Alcoholism is horrible and can drag entire families down Sad

Original poster
pointythings · 03/12/2017 16:22

We've had a peaceful weekend chez Pointy. As per H's permission I have started telling his family about the divorce and the reasons for it, and they get it. They really do. There's no taking sides, there's just sympathy for everyone. It helps that one of H's cousins works in mental health and has a lot of training in dual diagnosis. I haven't had a cross word or even anyone questioning my decision. They want to reach out to him but not enable, and they want to keep me and DDs in the family.

And we've been to the cinema and had a lovely if cold day's archery. My shooting hasn't been so bad for about 2 years but that really isn't surprising - and it's about the company of friends.

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Jux · 03/12/2017 18:51

Oh pointy I’m so pleased for you! What a nice family; you do so deserve to receive this sort of behaviour.

Thanks also for the offer re archery, and to Seeds too. I shall pm you both!

Seeds1962 · 03/12/2017 19:24

So glad you had a good day :) and yes please do pm

ScaryMonstersAndSuperCreeps · 03/12/2017 19:28

Aha that wasn't The Leading Ladies then!!!! Xmas Blush

ScaryMonstersAndSuperCreeps · 03/12/2017 19:31

Wrong thread sorry!!!

Flinkyflonk · 03/12/2017 19:41

That's brilliant pointy,

It's so nice to hear you're getting the understanding and support you need from his family.

Original poster
pointythings · 05/12/2017 20:21

Back from support group - one of the facilitators is American and has said there are possible halfway house options for H. It's a long shot but she's going to look into it. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but she offered to do it and just that makes me feel better.

And we have a Christmas meal next week after our meeting so that will be festive. Also very late on a school night for DDs but sometimes you just have to.

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Original poster
pointythings · 07/12/2017 10:17

My draft petition just came through. Am going to read and if necessary amend tonight after which it gets posted to my local court, probably Monday. I am torn between relief and shock. This is really happening now.

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