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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/12/2017 11:36

Your American facilitator sounds helpful and on top of her job. Nice to know someone’s really behind you.

I can imagine that your petition would indeed be a shock to hold in your hand, there it is, b&w, down on paper.

You’re a very strong person, pointy. Your attitude and behaviour are admirable. Your children are so lucky to have you setting the example and leading them through this troublesome time. Star

Original poster
pointythings · 07/12/2017 12:41

Jux she is great. Unfortunately the long shot hasn't borne fruit directly but there are some local temporary options as well as available rentals.

I am doing everything online so tonight I will print out the petition and take it in. The shock has subsidised a bit and it's starting to feel like positive progress. I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow (arranged through work) so that is good timing.

OP posts:
Jux · 08/12/2017 00:16

Gosh yes, that is good timing! I see a counsellor weekly and she is the reason I haven’t killed my dh Grin

I think I love counsellors, they give such great and unremitting support. I hope your session dtomorrow goes well, and you feel comfortable with the person you see.

Original poster
pointythings · 08/12/2017 22:26

Couunselling was good today, as were DDs' sessions tonight. But it looks as if DD2 may have a mild case of PTSD due to stuff H did when drunk (he doesn't remember). She has memories of his 'angry parenting' phase resurfacing, probably repressed for a long time. She was 9 at the time and H and I were fighting a lot about parenting at the time. He stopped it with the anger but clearly the damage is done.

I am beginning to realise that he was probably never a good dad. I am going to push hard for him to leave - he leaves hospital Tuesday and I want him out asap after that,

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 11/12/2017 20:54

We have a referral for DD2 to get some more specialist assessment/counselling - that's the good news. The bad news is that he comes home tomorrow. I'm leaving work early so that I'm there when DDs get home from school. Fortunately we have a meal out after support group tomorrow, but I have no idea how I'm going to manage having him around. I'm going to be chasing him to get housing elsewhere from the off.

OP posts:
Jux · 11/12/2017 22:58

Oh dear, pointy. It does sound like he has done some damage, and it would be better for all of you if he were to go asap. If he's sober and contrite, how would he react to your telling him what effect he has had on dd2? Do you think he would be ashamed enough to just go?

I hope tomorrow is OK, and he keeps his head down.

My internet is intermittent at the mo as we're changing to superfast bb (apparently) and it's not going well, but they assure me it'll all be sorted tomorrow (they've only had 3 weeks to sort problems, after all, can't expect more, obviously been working day and night to make sure it's ready to go live when they said it would be! Hmm). I'll be thinking of you, even if I can't get online.

Original poster
pointythings · 12/12/2017 10:16

I do plan to tell him. I also have to be realistic though - even if he contacts letting agents tomorrow, which is what I will tell him to do, there still has to be viewing, references, contract stuff. He won't be out before Christmas. Base won't help because he isn't active duty.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 13/12/2017 16:30

Had a lovely night out yesterday with support group - late for DDs but it was so worth it.

And he has a viewing on an apartment on Saturday. He's all sad now, but I think he knows this is really happening. It will still take time even if it's a decent place - I don't want him in some mouldy fleapit - with references and deposits and stuff, but at least we're getting somewhere.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 13/12/2017 17:38

So glad he has at least started looking. Fingers crossed he continues. Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 13/12/2017 17:59

I just hope this place works out, There aren't a lot of choices. Though there are 3 bedroom places he could afford. Wait and see time for now...

OP posts:
Jux · 13/12/2017 19:28

Yes, fingers crossed.

We are trying to find a tenant for our one bed basement flat. Not a good time of year for finding tenants so he may find his arm bitten off,

Original poster
pointythings · 13/12/2017 19:48

I hope so, Jux. This place has been on the market for a while, it's over a shop so probably not terribly desirable - but he's lived over a shop before and it's a shorter walk to the town centre and his bus stop to work for him. It's furnished and has white goods, which may count against it with some people but would really work for him - he needs ease and convenience. He was going on about buying pots and pans and stuff and I said we have plenty of stuff to equip him with pans, plates, cutlery, bed linens, towels - all that stuff. He says we can keep the big smart TV (yay) and the Zyliss too - then again tellies are quite cheap and he doesn't really cook any more.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a swift move.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 13/12/2017 23:13

Hope it all goes through for your and your dds sake op.
Hang on in there. Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 14/12/2017 17:33

I hope so too, cambio. He's playing the martyr at the moment, it's soooo annoying... He sits around the house like a localised thundercloud. He did some laundry today and went to work out where the place he is viewing is - apparently it's a bit hard to find.

And when gushing sympathy was not forthcoming from me when I got home, he did a major eyeroll when I left the room, according to DD1. Which he is entitled to do, as I told her, but if he does that stuff where the DDs can see it, he's damaging what little relationship he has left with them because they know him for what he is. If he could just manage friendly and pragmatic (which is what I am doing) he would earn a little respect back from them, but he can't. It's shit.

I am meticulously planning to be out of the house with the DDs every weekend day that I plausibly can.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 16/12/2017 15:32

A much better day today. He has been to see the apartment and has decided to take it - move likely early January because this isn't a good time of year to get paperwork done.

He has had a long conversation with his cousin, who is one of the lovely people who hasn't taken sides, and has taken full responsibility for the marriage breaking down. He says he feels better for having talked to her and is now also going to talk to another friend of ours, who has himself overcome alcohol addiction and is in long term (30+ years) recovery. We're also talking again and DD2 has been talking to him - superficial and friendly, but it's a start.

OP posts:
rizlett · 16/12/2017 16:00

It's so up and down with alcoholics - it must be scary for them too. Even if at times they can be frustratingly selfish.

Hope it all works out right for you and he gets settled in a new place. I'd imagine the relief might be huge.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 16/12/2017 16:14

Hi pointy, sounds as if he's slowly coming round to acceptance of the situation and of his own powerlessness (for want of a better word). I'm not suggesting for a moment that any of that is your responsibility in any way, just that for ease of separation and the future for all of you, it would be preferable. The fact that he's discussing his issues means that he's acknowledging their existence (pretty much step one), voicing them definitely a good thing. It's probably two steps forward and one back for him. He's also going to be considering the reality of a life without alcohol, if he wants to have any kind of life and a relationship with his DDs. It's at the end that alcohol stops working as well - no matter how many times we try to recapture the early drinking experiences, they remain elusive.
Good luck to you for a smooth transition forward, pointy, and extending Christmas wishes to you. You have always impressed me with your dignity, resolve and compassion.

Original poster
pointythings · 16/12/2017 16:40

This does feel like a change. I have accepted that he will probably relapse again, but there is a new commitment about him. He is going back to AA and has found someone who is willing to act as a sponsor - who will also be able to help with transport when I stop doing so (which will be when he stops living here).

He has referrals to mental health and alcohol services on base and is going to make follow-up appointments Monday. He is also talking about the practicalities of moving out on his own initiative instead of retreating verbally when I mention them. If he can genuinely start to accept that he is powerless over alcohol but not powerless to manage his own life without it in terms of all the practical daily living stuff he has been leaving me to do, then he might cope.

And I will take this opportunity to thank everybody who has been here on this thread with kindness, support and helpful comments when I needed them most. Warmest Christmas wishes to you all. [santa]

OP posts:
Jux · 16/12/2017 20:17

Oh, pointy, that does sound hopeful.

A warm and happy Christmas to you and the girls.

Flinkyflonk · 17/12/2017 20:37

It's lovely to read your most recent updates Pointy

I really hope you have a peaceful Christmas, and that this marks the beginning of your DH's road to recovery.

Cambionome · 17/12/2017 20:52

Very many best wishes to you too, pointy.

This must be very hard for you, but just think how much better next year is going to be!

Hang on in there - you are doing astonishingly well. Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 18/12/2017 09:12

Yesterday was a bad day. He had a fall in some ice Saturday and was hurting a lot - but may also be drinking again. And I had to take him to work today or he would not have gone at all. I have alerted his manager.

But if I have to be his mum and nag nag nag to get him to do what he must to move out, I will.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 18/12/2017 19:29

I really hope for your sake that he manages to move out soon. Sad

Original poster
pointythings · 18/12/2017 21:45

Cambio he will move out. I am adamant, I am steel.

He was better after work, but then went all feeble again and didn't go to AA because he was shocked from an incident (it's been all over the news, someone rammed a US air base and shots were fired but he was nowhere near).

He used to be this strong, funny, decisive guy. Now he's weak and scared of everything. It's so sad.

OP posts:
Dowser · 18/12/2017 23:46

Pointy I’ve read your full thread.
I need to get ready for bed but just wanted to say what an inspiration you are.
It’s so hard for you but you are doing it
Well done
.