So this is it then...

[pointythings]

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

Why can't I say that? I lived with one for 7 years and that's exactly what he was. He still is, as far as I'm aware, but no other female since me has been daft enough to take him on.

So we've talked. He's sad and quiet. No protests. He's signing the house over to me in exchange for no maintenance - this is fair, the house is mortgage free. He's going back to the US so he'll need what he has in assets for housing and medical bills - his health isn't great due to all the drinking.

Am still sad but not angry any more, at least we can start working towards the future now.

He's going back to the US? What about the kids?

The kids will be staying here with me, springy. There's no argument about that - they were born here, they go to school here. Besides, they want to live with me. I have no idea how contact will work - he's crap at computers so I don't see him doing Skype. I think he wants to disappear.

The DDs' relationship with him is pretty damaged anyway - for the past 6 years he has not been a great father. He got past the irrational anger only to go onto pearl-clutching when they turned into teenagers with an independent opinion who dropped the odd F-bomb (btw they are not troubled kids - they do brilliantly at school and never get behaviour points). Then he just withdrew because he couldn't seem to adapt his way of interacting with them and still treated them as if they were 6. He's been better since entering rehab, but obviously that's shot now. Part of me really wonders whether he has wanted out of the family for a long time now.

Not sure I think returning to a country like the US with your health already buggered and no pre-existing insurance is the wisest choice but that's up to him. I suspect going back to the US is mainly designed to punish you, i.e. if you hadn't have ended the marriage he wouldn't have vanished from his children's lives. All bollocks of course, but there we have it.

You'll need to talk to a solicitor to ensure the split of assets he's proposing is doable and then I would move to get it sorted out pronto whilst he's still feeling guilty.

It sounds as if your girls have got the right support around them to be able to deal with this further abandonment and recognise it for what it is - nothing to do with them and everything to do with him and his addiction.

Hopefully he will live long enough to regret this.

tribpot I agree, its a dumb idea. He's ex air force so if he settles near a VA hospital he can still get health care, but it won't be what he has here. He made this threat of running to the US before and it made me back down - but not this time. He can't punish me any more because I don't care enough and because I really feel the girls will be better off without him in their lives.

I'm going to start getting expert help tomorrow (Sunday is not a good day for this stuff!) and yeah, I hope he sticks with this offer. It should be doable, the house is ours completely. We just need to make sure the paperwork is right so that what he has suggested ends up being a full and final settlement. I am so glad I have always worked!

I'd make sure that, despite their ages, you get a child arrangement order. Since you're unlikely to be able get permission from him to take them abroad - I know there's only 4 years left of this being a worry but if an uncontested child arrangement order to simple to arrange (I have no idea if it is, but can't see why it wouldn't be) I'd get that nailed down too.

tribpot your advice is invaluable - I've never done divorce before, these are all good points. I will add that to the list, I do want to be able to take them to see their family in Holland.

I've never done it at all! But I have looked at the issue of travel because I have a different surname from my ds, so I thought it was worth getting that sorted out if he's likely to vanish completely. In reality I've only ever been asked for ds' birth certificate and you wouldn't even be asked for that whilst you all have the same surname (which I assume you do or you'd prob know about this issue already!). There may be other things associated with parental responsibility to consider, like consent for medical procedures if you were unavailable.

Likewise how quickly can you sever any financial links between you and him?

I have the same surname as DDs (his) and no plans to change it. So once the arrangement order is in place, we should be OK.

Financially we have no joint current accounts but he is on my credit card - I will get that sorted tomorrow. He is paid in $ and I am paid in £ so he gives me money every month towards his share of the household expenses - that will have to stop. I've already made a list of things we can cut back on, we have not been exactly scrimping so it will be OK.

Hi OP, I've just caught up with this. I admire your strength and I'm glad to hear that you're sorting out finances. As to him going back to the US - classic, really classic running away alcoholic behaviour. He still thinks that changing his environment may change his illness. Until he realises that he cannot run away from himself, he will not start to recover.

Lobster thanks for coming back, I appreciate your words of wisdom - and having read a lot of your posts on various alcohol-related threads and also on Dry threads, I can only admire you. We had a constructive conversation - I don't think he's happy, but he has accepted that this is final and that divorce is going to happen, and isn't going to fight it. That's really the best thing we can hope for. Given that we agree about finances and children, things should be reasonably straightforward.

Since the things that triggered the ultimatum, I think I've detached from him emotionally. Even during the brief period when he was doing well, the possibility of relapse was always there and we had such a long way to go in terms of his recovery and rebuilding our family. At least now it's properly broken and my emotional detachment can stay as it is. DD1 will be coming to our support group starting Tuesday - they are great and will help her own recovery - 'detached love', which is what she needs to work on. I can focus on them and on me now.

What my H does with his life is now entirely up to him. He is not my problem any more and believe me, that feels like a burden lifted.

I hope he signs over the house and goes quietly as promised so you and your DDs can stop stressing over his behaviour day in and day out.

pointythings thank you for your kind words. You have the right attitude (in my view) - I appreciate that an active alcoholic has to be detached from. It's a horrible, horrible condition and absolutely a family illness. I also understand the contempt with which alcoholics in general are thought of on MN - it's understandable from those who've spent years living with an alcoholic and had brief flashes of hope, only to have these dashed. All I can say is that it is possible to recover, taking each day at a time, but only if the alcoholic wants this above all else and is willing to go to any lengths. As we say, "half measures availed is nothing" and I'm afraid from this thread, your husband's were half measures. He still believes that it's possible for him to drink when it quite clearly isn't.

I'm so glad for you and your DDs that you sound so clear headed. They are lucky to have you.

I’ve must read your thread and the sadness, heartache and disappointment is palpable. As is the resignation.

It’s not very often I read stories and discover other people’s expeirences on here with such a clear sense of that this is what I have decided and this is what has to happen. I can truly sense how you have been the parent to two daughters and in many ways him.

I left a narcissist abuser this summer. His drinking was a big part of the problem. I’m still not sure whether he’s a problem binge drinker or he really cannot function without getting soused lightest reason. He doesn’t drink everyday but almost everyday. When drunk he terrified the living daylights out of me.

The worse thing is you feel cheated on. As someone else wrote he loves something else more than you. You know what’s coming.

Have no real advice because I’m in a pit of hell myself right now but I just wanted to write and say I really do admire your quiet strength and resolution. I hope that the separation processes continues in the manner it appears to have started.

Thinking of you

OP I have nothing but respect and admiration for the choices you've made and the way you've dealt with this situation. Your 2 girls are extremely lucky to have you as a Mum, I say that as a child of an alcoholic who's other parent turned a blind eye and buried their head in the sand. You've done the best thing for your family

lollipop well done for getting out. It's hard when your emotions and part of your sense of self are tied up with another person through the lifelong commitment you thought you made to them.. My one regret is that I didn't do this two years ago when I first discovered his secret drinking and the extent of it. However, all hindsight is 20/20 and I have to accept that I am human and fallible - and hopeful.

Now I have the strength and this thread is helping me keep the faith - so many supportive voices.

If you don't mind, I'm going to maintain this thread and update as matters take their course. I hope you will be there holding my hand.

Lobster I don't feel contempt for alcoholics. I see how unhappy my H is. I can be angry with him because of what he has put us through, because of the lying and the betrayal, because of how he has let his daughters down. But it is an illness and I have to accept that too. Contempt helps no-one, not the relative of someone with an active addiction, not the addict themselves.

I feel sympathy for my H and I hope he finds his way back to a better, sober life. It won't be a life with me or with his girls though. I also have boundless respect for people like you, Lobster, because I have seen at first hand how hard the struggle is and how easy it is to fall.

pointythings thank you - and apologies as when I referenced "contempt" I wasn't thinking of you in the least, but the generally held MN view. You have never suggested anything of the sort.

I'm off to bed but please do update this thread as and when you can. Huge support and respect from this recovering alcoholic.

@pointythings - absolutely.
I wish you all the very best, you stay strong; as you have always been.

Try and get some sleep tonight. I’m not very good at taking my own advice as I’ll be up all night doing legal / Police stuff for Court - but tomorrow is another day.
💐

Lobster I agree that there is a real lack of understanding for alcoholism on MN. All the likes of you and I can do is speak out wherever it is appropriate.

Just found this fred. Got no wisdom, just a handhold here.

PM me if you want to talk. I'm not terribly far either. >Un-horsey hugs

Oh pointy

Don’t feel bad for not leaving him two years ago. You tried. You cannot say that you haven’t given him time and space to recover, you cannot say that you didn’t give this everything. Now you know it is truly over and there’s no going back.

You are a wonderful mother with a fantastic relationship with your dds. You will be more than fine, you will all flourish.

I worry that he’s saying he’ll sign the house over and leave, as one more attempt to win you back, rather than a genuine promise. Try to get everything locked down as quickly as possible. It’s incredible how quickly they go from guilt to anger.

This is the beginning of your new life. One without the ever present fear that he may relapse.

So sorry to read your posts. Thinking of you and your DDs today. Agree with previous posters that this is just the start of his thought processes - definitely try and get him to sign on the dotted line ASAP.

I need to get the consent order done before we can transfer the house. Once that is in place it is binding. If he messed me about I will do the court thing. I am not backing out, no chance of that.