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Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
rizlett · 28/11/2017 08:26

Hope it all goes to plan op.

springydaffs · 28/11/2017 09:08

Be brave pointy xx

Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 11:16

Well, I went home from work (carer leave) and he was still home. He's finally talked to his line manager, including the seriousness of his depression, and it has been escalated. Departmental head is supposed to be sorting some help. I've called said head asking to be contacted and kept informed. I don't want to cross anyone's wires right now.

He keeps saying he's going insane. He's very disoriented, his speech is disjointed and he's struggling to manage a full sentence. I'm going to give it a little time, but if I don't get a call back from his department head I'm taking him to hospital myself - he has said he will come with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 11:17

My line manager was lovely, by the way. Everyone says I'm being brave. I don't feel it, and if I am it then I'm fucking tired of being it.

OP posts:
Jux · 28/11/2017 15:54

That's the problem, isn't it, Pointy? It's all just so exhausting. And it is he who is sucking all the energy out of you; if he were to get up and do something - anything - then you could exhale, but as it is you're trying to do everything, including everything to do with him. Yes, it will be a lot easier once he has gone.

Does his base have rooms? Maybe he could go there temporarily (but immediately)?

If he were to be admitted - NHS or base - would you be able to refuse to have him home with you again, so that he is forced to find a solution, albeit temporary, in order to be discharged?

Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 17:23

He's a civilian, so base would not be an issue. And I doubt I could refuse to have him home.

We did talk today - I found out what his options were and set them out for him. He's better than he was this morning, but he's so up and down - and when he's down, he's ridiculously low. Right now he doesn't meet criteria for admission though, and he can put on a good facade when he wants to.

He's made a list of things he has to do and he's going to start talking. I'll believe it when I see it. And yes, he is draining all the energy out of me so I'm going to use some of it by not getting off his back about moving out. He's afraid to live on his own - tough. He needs to return to being a self-sufficient human being and he can't do that here.

OP posts:
Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 17:30

Aaaaaaand having said he'll come down and eat something he's now all 'I'm trying' and 'I can't'. I have so had it.

OP posts:
Bodear · 28/11/2017 17:58

You’re being so strong. At some point he will have to start dealing with his life himself. I know that’s really hard for him and for you to let go enough because you care. He will keep hold of you and your nurturing for as long as he is able. He is ill but the only way for him to get better is to start taking responsibility. I’m in AA and it’s done wonderful things for my life but it’s not easy.

Jux · 28/11/2017 19:23

No, he isn't trying. That's what "I'm trying" means in those circumstances, ime! When my dh starts that I just say "No, you're not." and he might actually start trying at that point.

Don't take that shit. Be as straight with him as you can, so No You're Not, and Yes You Can, and maybe sometimes Why The Hell Not, but don't waste conversation energy further than that; it's better spent on dds, friends, family, lawyers, work, pretty well anyone, actually.

Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 20:34

Jux the only thing he is trying is my patience...

So tomorrow I am taking him to the ER on base to get him assessed. I have told him he is moving out no matter what - I am getting guidance on the likelihood of getting an occupation order on the grounds of his behaviour and its effect on DDs. That's a long shot, but it's worth getting some advice.

I've just been to support group with DDs (along the lines of Al-Anon) and it has really strengthened my resolve even more. He can go all puppy dog until he's blue in the face, I just don't care any more.

OP posts:
Mrsgpnurse · 28/11/2017 21:35

I admire you and your strength...

I separated from my AH the beginning of nov due to relapsing and lying to me. I totally feel your anger. I feel like I'm stringing him along at the moment because he wants me to
Not think about the past and look to the future...I am really struggling with that today :( I have gone through so much in my adult life and to be treated this way by the man I fell deeply in love with - I just can not get my head round it :(

You give me hope thank you xxxx

Original poster
pointythings · 28/11/2017 21:40

Mrsgpnurse it doesn't matter you are stringing him along. There comes a time when you have to do what is best for you because you cannot save him - only he can. That is all I am doing - for me and my DDs. Once you reach your point of 'no more', it is surprisingly easy not to waver. What is much harder is to not beat yourself up about what you are doing. That is why it is massively important to marshal all your friends and family, people who will support you - without taking sides - and who will be there to hand you a grip when you are actually guilt-tripping yourself. Because you will do that, I still do it now and then.

I loved my H deeply too. But the man who now lives in this house with us is not the man I married. He is bad for all of us and for himself. Things change, we must change with them.

I wish you strength and I hope you will find your way. I am planning a holiday for the summer with my DDs - it's heartening to find there are things out there that we will be able to afford even on reduced finances. Once you make the decision to split, the future becomes something that is within reach. Flowers

OP posts:
Jux · 28/11/2017 23:56

You’re amazing, pointy, you really are. Star

DramaAlpaca · 29/11/2017 00:32

Hi pointy, I've just come across your thread and I just wanted to say you are doing amazingly and I wish you all the best Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 29/11/2017 06:56

I think I've had the whole of the core FYF gang on this thread by now - thanks, guys. it means a lot.

OP posts:
Bodear · 29/11/2017 08:10

What’s the FYF gang?

Original poster
pointythings · 29/11/2017 08:19

Sorry, Bodear - looooong story. There were a group of us who used to have shared threads for a while based on one poster's issues around a field with some horses. Didn't mean to derail.

Have just woken H up. Let's see if he actually gets out of bed, that would be something.

OP posts:
Bodear · 29/11/2017 08:48

Oh ha sorry, I think it was a MN acronym I’d not seen before Grin
Hope things go well today. You’re doing the right thing for you and your daughters. And for your H I think. He has to be forced to deal with life himself before he’ll start to get better. Good luck.

Bodear · 29/11/2017 08:48

*thought!

springydaffs · 29/11/2017 09:26

he can put on a good facade when he is wants to

Sounds like he can do that both ways re wan and hopeless as well as up together.. Hmm

Keep going girl. I don't know one thing about horses BTW..

Original poster
pointythings · 29/11/2017 19:37

Well, I'm back - have spent all day at the base hospital with him.

So it turns out that since I told him to move out last week, he's been drinking very very heavily, not eating, not taking non-alcoholic fluids. This doesn't actually surprise me, and since alcohol is a depressant, the effects of that on top of him already being depressed and me telling him to leave put him in a very bad place. The distress was really. So were his blood alcohol levels and the fact that this morning in the car he smelled of ketones (lab work confirmed this)

So after he had sobered up enough to be seen by mental health and been given 2 litres of IV fluids, he talked to a psychiatrist who was great - really gave it to him straight. They were worried about withdrawal but judged him safe for ambulance travel, so he is being taken to a private inpatient rehab place - this is covered by his retiree health insurance, thankfully. He's on the way there now, I just had time to pack him some clothes, books and toiletries. It means DDs and I have breathing space.

I've said he can come home on condition he actively looks for somewhere to live - and we are talking in terms of no more than a few weeks. Any sign of him returning to where he was Monday and he's back in the ER and not coming home.

I feel OK with this. He is moving out and we are getting divorced, end of. I'm just very tired now.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 29/11/2017 22:31

You must be totally drained, but at least you have a bit of breathing space as you said.

KOKO. Flowers

Seeds1962 · 29/11/2017 22:33

I'm glad you have a bit of respite from him. But, do you really think he can, or will, look for somewhere else to live? Why would he, when he didn't before?

I'm sorry if this is blunt, but from my experience he will just do more of the stuff he was doing up until today, and he will just keep on drinking. He doesn't want to stop. And he won't, regardless of all external pressure or influence. Until HE accepts he has to stop and change things nothing you do will force him.

Huge hugs to you and your daughters xxx

Bodear · 29/11/2017 22:55

Sounds like it’s been quite a day. Do you know how long he’s expected to be in rehab?

springydaffs · 30/11/2017 07:11

Hmm have to agree with Seeds. He's not going to do anything to help himself is he? It'll just be more of the same..

I don't get why you've said he can come home. Surely that bridge is burnt? Xx

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