So this is it then...

[pointythings]

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

I can live without the base. Part of me is just glad he isn't lying dead in his flat somewhere. I'm very aware than I need to not get drawn into caring for/about him now - so all I'm going to do is hand him his savings bond and my spare broadband router so he can get his internet up and running. And that will be all. I've told his cousin as much and she gets it - I just hope she won't get sucked in.

Part of me wants to believe this is where he turns it round, but I thought that last time and turned out to be wrong. So I'm staying detached.

I'm getting child benefit now (we weren't eligible before due to his work status) and have applied for tax credits, so we won't be too much worse off.

Just read RTFT and wanted to say I think you are doing totally the right thing for you and your DDs.

A good friend of mine was an alcoholic for many years on and off (more on than off). She has been and is apparently still in and out of rehab. I don't have anything to do with her now. She has lost her DH, her 2 DDs, her brother, friends, home, job and driving licence. It is an illness but at some point for your own protection you have to limit contact if the alcoholic does not want to help themselves. Awful that you have the same with your mum too. No wonder she was encouraging you to give your DH another chance. Alcoholics can never see or acknowledge the damage they do to other people.

I hope your divorce is finalised soon and you can move forward.

Thanks, clio. There was a piece of mail for STBXH in today's post - I recognise the envelope, it will be something from the court, quite likely a snippy reminder that he hasn't yet responded to the petition. I'll pass it on to him Sunday and leave him to it.

I just want him to sign - once he does, it's 3 months-ish until it's all over. But he may not.

Update: I met with him in town just now. He's actively job hunting, has had a full blown dose of DTs which has shocked him. There will no doubt be relapses again, but every setback also feels like a little step forward. We are back on speaking terms. He has agreed to sign the divorce paperwork - was going to in any case, but he now has a better understanding of the UK system and accepts that he shouldn't take the contents of the petition personally.

It turns out his employers didn't follow procedure in dismissing him - he didn't get a verbal and written warning first. Unfortunately he is in the US system so has no comeback without expensive lawyers, which is shit. Then again he is well out of it - at least now he can go for a complete change of scene and part-time, which will be much better for him. He's staying in therapy and AA.

So for now things are better. No doubt there will be further setbacks, but one day at a time.

Glad to hear that pointy.

I'm glad that you are able to be on speaking terms OP, but you are right to stay detached. The DT's are god awful but not usually enough to stop an alcoholic. Might make them drink a bit less for a little while but most go through DT's again. I'm sure you know that though.

My own DH got a job today. I'm so pleased for him. He also was also told by the doctor that they will look at taking him off Antabuse at the end of the summer. That scares me as although I don't doubt he doesn't want to drink, addiction is addiction. I will just have to hope for the best.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my current journey, I do because I hope it helps you keep in mind that even with a recovering alcoholic of day twenty years, there is always the risk and that risk is hard to live with

Colly so by the time your DH comes off Antabuse, he will have been dry a year? He's in with a real shot of doing without it, and medication does come with side effects. I think it's worth a shot. Hopefully by then he'll be settled in his job, which will be another piece of armour against relapse. Addiction can be overcome - it's all about not taking that first drink.

So what cheekyfuckery is this then? Got text from stbxh last night asking if he could do a load of washing at our house Sunday while we are out. He has a washing machine but claims it is really slow and so costs too much to run. But would pay me for water and electricity. WTAF? All modern washing machines are slow on cotton cycles because it saves water. They all cost much the same to run. I do not trust him not to run into town and cut a house key for himself. And most importantly I do not want him there. Why did he think this was a viable idea?

If you don't trust him then it has to be a definite no.

I'd say no!

He’s pushing at boundaries and trying to find a way back in. You are right not to want that.

Just tell him, “No, that would not be appropriate.” Don’t explain more, just repeat, and repeat for any other such requests.

He is going to have to realise at some point that you are not together anymore. He still thinks that this will pass, I think. He needs firm boundaries for his own sake as much as yours.

FYC you see the first thing I thought was that this was him pushing boundaries because we stopped being hostile. And the second thing I thought was 'If I let this happen once, where will it end?'.

So I've said no. And that's aside from the fact that I don't trust him and don't want him in the house.

In addition to all this, things have really kicked off with my mum. Neighbours have given up on her completely. After last week's meeting involving my Dsis, neighbours and social services she promised she would seek treatment yada yada yada. And since then she's had a fall, isn't getting out of bed and is scaring the shit out of people. Dsis is exploring the options for forced care home admission now. It has to stop.

Oh, pointy, you are having the toughest of times. Well done for saying no. I think you need to filter his requests through a “would I do this for a difficult work colleague?” Filter. He is someone you need to work with sometimes (to make arrangements for the children if he ever gets it together, and sort divorce) but you are not in a relationship anymore.

I remember trying to build a friendship with my ex. I wanted it all to be positive and now I was safe from him, I was trying to do what was best for the kids (I know your ex wasn’t abusive as such, but living with an alcoholic has its own difficulties).

It was a terrible mistake, because instead of establishing firm boundaries, he just walked all over me. I wish I’d been firm in the beginning and gone for the work-colleague more distant relationship. It would have saved a lot of pain.

Your mother is her own person too. It must be so hard when she’s so far away. You will get through this.

FYC I'v learned a lot about boundaries from my alcohol support group and more from my current parenting class, and it's helping. The boundaries are holding firm. Now to find a cure for the unreasonable guilt I still feel when I apply them...

The same applies to things with my mum. Yesterday I blocked my mum's next door neighbour because she was spamming me with WhatsApp messages about how my Dsis and I were not stepping up and meeting our responsibilities (read: taking my mum off their hands by having her live with us or moving in with her). So I told her once more that this would not be happening, that it was now up to the authorities to deal with and that henceforth I would not be communicating with her any more. My mum's social worker agrees that us taking her on would not be a solution for anyone, so I'm going with her expert opinion - but the guilt...

On the other hand we had a lovely day's shooting in the forest, my CB came through so I am now a proper single mum on benefits and we made a ridiculous number of insanely delicious gluten-free cookies for people we love.

Just a random and pleasantly dull update... We have just had a lovely Easter break with more redecorating- DD2's room is all done and lovely. Hall, stairs and landing also done and just need some pictures. No contact with STBXH for weeks now and I am fine with that. I suspect I won't hear from him unless there is a crisis or if he gets a job.

We are sorting out the legalities to get the equivalent of LPA sorted for my mum so at least her financial and legal affairs are sorted and dsis is going over again end of this month to see how she is. I worry about her but it is what it is.

And I am eligible for some tax credits so that is more good news.

Been lurking - glad to read your update

Brilliant update! We love when we don't hear from people for happy reasons.

Spoke to my mum today - baaaaaad idea... She was very, very drunk and confused, dropped the phone twice so I called back each time. Third time her social worker picked up and we had a brief chat, but things are pretty bad on the whole. She's still not bad enough for any kind of enforced admission, but I really think it's going to come to that. Which means she'll get put into the nearest available home that has a place, which is likely to be not very good.

I'm sad.

I’m new O the thread but just wanted to say how sorry I am for you pointy and how much I admire your bravery. Life is certainly throwing some tough stuff at you, but you’ll come through, and you DC will understand as they grow what an amazingly brave person you are.

Thanks, bacon. I was a bit moany yesterday, feel better today. I am mostly happy, honest!

Not to be clutchy-pearly over here, but what time of way was it for your mum?!? Wow...

Errrm it would have been 6 pm over there. But we are talking about someone so drunk they couldn't string a coherent sentence together, not an elderly lady who'd had a little drink or two. Unfortunately my mum is also a full blown alcoholic these days - she keeps a bottle in her fridge and drinks straight from it, starting from about 10 am. It's due to her losing my Dad - first because he developed Parkinson's and dementia and had to go into a home, then because he died. She has refused to access any kind of emotional support for herself throughout, despite being offered it. She's a complex woman, who also has 7 decades old WW2 trauma under her belt and unresolved, but she is obstinate and will not help herself. Unfortunately she is now paying the price in terms of her health. Dsis and I would love to see her in some form of sheltered accommodation (not a nursing home) where she would have company and support, but she won't do it. Basically she wants to die, but she isn't actively pursuing it.

I am so hacked off with stbxh! Have been in hospital with DD1 all day. She has abdominal pain and they are still working out what is wrong. She has to stay in overnight. I have called him - phone is off. I have texted him including updates - no reply. Saw him last Friday on his birthday and he was crying, smelled of ketones again, dishevelled and unwashed and unshaven. Sad bundle of self pity. And now his daughter is ill and he is probably drunk or wallowing in his own misery. Damn him.

Wow. He certainly isn’t doing well.

Your poor dd. Sending healing vibes your way

How is DD1 doing pointy?

I have RTFT now and you are incredible. Stay strong