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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 28/12/2017 20:15

Oh pointy. I am so sorry. No idea what to say, but thinking of you and your girls Flowers

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 28/12/2017 20:46

I know you did a police report, but try to remember and write down everything you can about how it happened, including your feelings during the times, how swiftly it escalated, for instance. Everything you can think of to put it all together. Any way you can figure out how much he'd had to drink over XX amount of time? That sort of thing. If you don't want to post it here, that's OK, so long as it's down somewhere.

I just worry about him later on trying to deny it happened. And you know how some police/CPS can minimise when there's been no physical abuse. Sorry, not trying to add to your burden, but we've both been here long enough to understand that just because the authorities are involved doesn't mean they'll take everything (or even enough) off your hands.

Seeds1962 · 28/12/2017 21:09

Oh pointy :( Huge hugs to you and your girls xxx Yes write down whatever details you can remember, while they are fresh. OR, record a narrative on your phone?

Jux · 28/12/2017 21:14

I think PSE’s suggestion of writing it all down is a good one; you may even find it cathartic.

It’s awful, so awful. So sad you and the children have to go through this. Not fair, not right.

Original poster
pointythings · 28/12/2017 21:34

I am going to write it down, I think that's a good idea.
I've stopped shaking, DD1 is having a shower. DD2 is staying overnight with a friend.

No idea when I'm going to bed, I'm not ready just yet.

OP posts:
Growingstuff · 28/12/2017 21:38

NC here but recently posted ;)
Huge hugs pointy its a horrible thing to have happened xxx

Original poster
pointythings · 28/12/2017 21:54

It's all written down on a document stored in the cloud so he can't fuck with my laptop and destroy it. Not that he's coming back in here to get near my laptop.

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 28/12/2017 22:08

I've just read your whole thread and you really are doing something amazing for your girls and yourself. I hope the road ahead is smoother for you all Thanks

LilyRose16 · 28/12/2017 22:21

Please stay strong, he has let you all down for the last time, how dare he. How bloody dare he. Unmumsnetty hugs OP

Cambionome · 28/12/2017 22:36

Oh God - so sorry to hear that pointy.

Original poster
pointythings · 28/12/2017 22:39

I'm starting to feel angry now. Which is not conducive to sleep but is better than shaking all over.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 28/12/2017 23:21

Did your dds witness his behaviour?

Cambionome · 28/12/2017 23:23

I'm not surprised you are angry. You should be angry - how dare he behave like that?

Jux · 28/12/2017 23:24

Angry is good at the moment.

Original poster
pointythings · 29/12/2017 10:17

Update. He came back about an hour ago, sober. I said he could not come back and he has accepted that. He has packed a suitcase and booked himself into base lodgings. He has also called the estate agent to accelerate his moving in date. I am still getting the occupation order though. So it will be New Year, new start with just me and the girls.

He is so reasonable now and he was such a monster last night. It's as if there are two of him.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/12/2017 10:56

Oh pointy, what a horrible night you’ve had.

Be careful with thinking there are two of him. I used to do that with my xh. Much easier to care about one and hate the other, but it’s a trap. There is one of him, his hate and anger is as much a part of him as all the good bits.

I am so sorry that you had to put up with that, after all you’ve done to protect him. He isn’t a selfish and small man, who never deserved you. I’m shocked that after threatening to kill you the police were happy for him to come straight home.

Now he is gone you can start anew. Today is the beginning. Yesterday was your old life. Today you are all free. A chilled day snuggling together is probably what you need.

You deserved so much better than this Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 29/12/2017 10:57
  • He IS a selfish and small man
lollipop7 · 29/12/2017 11:13

@pointythings that’s quite an(other) ordeal he’s put you through. I’m sorry to read it.
I hope he leaves you in peace now and you can carry on with the plans you have for you and your daughters.
It’s incredibly sad for all of you but you are - as I know you know so sorry for stating the bleeding obvious - doing the right thing.

The notion that he is capable of being two people is very apt. Like my ex. Our social worker thinks he is “mentally stable” and that I am coaching our eldest child (who is 3🙄) to tell lies about his Daddy. She hasn’t seen the man we have. Sometimes the nice side presents itself and we see the duality the side that dupes. But not for long.

Hope the rest of your day is without incident.

lollipop7 · 29/12/2017 11:15

@FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse it’s amazing what the police don’t follow through on. My ex kicked my legs out from under me whilst out one evening, then came back to the house drunk and scaled the roof to try to get to me via our hysterical toddler’s bedroom window.
He was back in the hallway at 8am despite being carted off the night before and warned to stay away so I could pack.
They did nothing.

Original poster
pointythings · 29/12/2017 11:35

Well, he's gone - settled in lodgings on base 90 seconds' walk from his work. He has no house keys. Once I have the occupation order I am getting the locks changed here.

And yes, he is one person - that's quite true. Because he is ultimately the one person who chooses to drink alcohol, knowing what it does to him.

New life starts today. This afternoon we are going out to see Star Wars with DD2's GF. Sunday we are going to have a pyjama day to see in the New Year - watching movies, playing MarioKart, doing some baking.

I'm not going to count on the police because yeah, they did let him come back. But if he shows up here and hangs around I will call them again - it's all about getting a record of events.

OP posts:
Jux · 29/12/2017 13:53

Big sigh of relief all round, pointy. Yes, he is at all times the person who chose to drink, knowing what it does to him.k

Enjoy Star Wars!

bastardkitty · 29/12/2017 14:46

Thinking of you and your DCs pointy. You are amazing Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 29/12/2017 18:59

Thank you all for staying with my seemingly endless tale - it gives me heart. Flowers You are Mumsnet at its finest.

We are all very, very tired. DD1 had a bit of a meltdown just now because of yesterday's stress. Star Wars was great, we really enjoyed it, but recovery is going to take time. We all have a lot of healing to do.

OP posts:
KarenW · 29/12/2017 19:33

Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way, we are all with you in spirit.

ChefsFloozie · 29/12/2017 20:21

Thinking of you and your girls. You're doing an amazing job to guarantee a more stable future for them.