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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is it then...

452 replies

pointythings · 28/10/2017 20:45

So my DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum in July - the drink or his family. He chose to go into rehab. Two weeks ago he finished treatment.

Tonight I came home after a night away with DDs to ComicCon and he was slurring, showing all the signs. So I snooped. Yep, empty bottle of spirits hidden in his backpack.

I confronted him and the first thing he said was 'can we not do this in front of the girls. Oh how the alcoholics like their secrecy. No, H, the girls need to know - they are 14 and 16 and they have been part of all the conversations.

So now my marriage is over. Shit. I am not backing down. This is it, done, finished. No more chances, he's had plenty. I still feel like shit.

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Original poster
pointythings · 19/12/2017 20:11

Thanks, Dowser. Just back from support group with DD.

Today was not so bad - H has made his follow-up appointments and I've chased him about emailing the estate agent. He was a bit less low today as well. One day at a time.

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Original poster
pointythings · 21/12/2017 21:27

Another good day today - H has got his paperwork together for the apartment and he's not withdrawn and moody today. Maybe acceptance is dawning? DD2 was pleasant to him, to the point of having a laugh and a joke.

I did have a very intense counselling session today - helpful, but a lot of stuff came out. I'm really tired now, watching some crap telly to wind down and then sleep.

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Jux · 21/12/2017 22:07

Pointy, it sounds like things are looking up? Great that he’s cooperating so well, and that he’s got the paperwork together. It’s lovely, too, that dd2 is able to start rebuilding a relationship woth him. Early days, I know, but hopeful.

Counselling can be exhausting! When something big rears its ugly head it leaves you knackered; you can run away or you can deal with it.

I hope that things continue increasing in kindness and cooperation from him, and that you and your girls take joy in each other. xx

Original poster
pointythings · 22/12/2017 19:22

I think things are looking up. When he was in hospital, they doubled his dose of antidepressants - the dose he was on was below therapeutic level Hmm. Now, three weeks in, his mood has had quite a drastic lift. And he isn't drinking, so the meds have a chance to work. He's quite different.

He filled out all his paperwork and tried to scan and email it off today only to find the scanner wasn't working, so I'm going to take him to drop it off tomorrow. He's asked for a moving date of February 1st - I'd like it to be earlier, given that the place is vacant and available, but we will discuss that tomorrow.

On a less positive note my mum is faring very badly - also drinking very heavily, falling daily, involvement from local social care but not enough. I've emailed them to ask about options for having her admitted to some form of sheltered accommodation - but this would be against her will so it will be difficult. It just feels like it never stops.

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Cambionome · 23/12/2017 15:42

You've got an awful lot on your plate, pointy but you seem to be doing incredibly well. Keep going - I'm sure that 2018 is going to be a brilliant year for you. Smile

Original poster
pointythings · 23/12/2017 17:26

The plate is a bit heavy, but we're plodding on. Though when I told him I wanted a moving date earlier than February 1st he wasn't happy and he's been in withdrawn mode all day. Thing is, that actually isn't a bad thing. Those reactions are what keep me strong and convinced that this divorce is absolutely and completely necessary. Every time he reverts to the weak miserable person who radiated unhappiness through the house, he gives me the strength to carry on detaching from him. So probably not the effect he is after.

I have just taught DD2 to knit and she loves it. Those are the moments that it's all about.

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Jux · 23/12/2017 17:31

It never rains but it pours, eh!

I think you need to concentrate on you and the girls for the next week or so and let your mum deal with herself. You're right, I'm not sure you have much chance of getting her into sheltered accommodation against her will, unless she's deemed to be unfit mentally to make that decision Sad. She is a grown up, though, and not so much your responsibility, unlike your children, who at whatever age - even past 18 - are still looking to you. Try not to get too distracted by other things.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/12/2017 18:13

Found you again! :)

You sound so sorted and steady. You're an inspiration.

Yeah, February is just too much. Nuh uh. Nope. Just don't work.

Original poster
pointythings · 23/12/2017 19:26

Jux that is exactly what I have been telling myself with regards to my mum. My Dsis and I are emotionally detaching from her because we just cannot handle her utter unwillingness to help herself. Let matters take their course, we can do nothing. And we have lives. I try to set aside the guilt when it arises.

My week with the girls is planned out. We are going to have a lot of good times together - a taster for the future.

What I want is to feel as sorted and inspirational as people say I am. This is something I am working on in counselling because intellectually I know I am doing this as well as it can possibly be done, and that is great. The heart isn't playing ball though.

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humblebumble · 23/12/2017 20:55

I am going through this at the moment. Reading your thread is inspiring me to have greater resolve and also to find some help through al anon. I have two boys who are younger than your children and need me to make a tougher decisions.

Jux · 23/12/2017 22:17

Pointy, you are inspirational! You are also pretty sorted - astonishingly so under the circumstances. Listen to your head! Your heart will follow.

PSE, nice to see you again!

Original poster
pointythings · 24/12/2017 10:10

humble good luck and I hope you find your strength. Talking about it openly and getting support is absolutely key - Al-anon are great at giving you the tools to set boundaries and stand firm. It's still very hard, but it can be done.

Living with an alcoholic parent is damaging to children. My DDs are testament to that, though they are coming through it brilliantly and all the support and counselling has been amazingly helpful. Your boys may also need that, especially if they are of an age to have noticed something is wrong.

Right now I hope you find the strength to realise that you deserve better than this, and so do your boys. Focus on their happiness and wellbeing and yours and you will find the strength to do the right thig.

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Original poster
pointythings · 25/12/2017 18:43

Christmas Day so much less bad than I thought it was going to be... H really made an effort to join in, DD2 fabulous in being superficial and friendly, lots of baking done. The roasties were a bit soggy, but everything else was great, especially the vegetarian Wellington I made up for DD1.

Day off tomorrow - DDs and I going to spend Boxing Day with friends and stay overnight, which will be peaceful and lovely.

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Jux · 25/12/2017 23:34

Sounsd lovely, pointy. I hope you all have a fun time with your friends.

Original poster
pointythings · 27/12/2017 13:20

The good news: We had a lovely time.

The bad news: we got back and he had been drinking - clumsily tried to hide a bottle. So I told him he needed to move out asap, he needed to go to the estate agents tomorrow and pay the deposits and stuff Friday and just get out. He says he doesn't even know what he wants and what he's doing - frankly, I don't care. I just want him gone.

The upside is that I now feel no guilt whatsoever about not taking him to see Star Wars with us.

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KarenW · 27/12/2017 14:21

oh no, he has no right to go to see star wars, he wouldn't remember it anyways if he is drunk! Have strength, your kids come first.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 27/12/2017 15:25

Oh Pointy, i have only just caught up with everything that’s happened.

Bloody hell but you are a marvel. I’m so sorry that you’re still in the middle of all the detaching and separating, but I foresee an amazing future for you and your two incredible dds.

The sooner he is gone, the better. For you both. He is so used to you being the strong one, that he will never get himself together whilst he still hopes that you can do it for him. I’m not surprised you feel increasing contempt, he is trying so hard to push you into the roll of “mother” to him.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you will get there. I have no doubts Flowers

Original poster
pointythings · 27/12/2017 15:46

Thanks, both. The girls are angry. We just took his half full bottle of vodka and poured it down the sink - he does not get to drink in this house.

Every time he does shit like this, I feel the guilt about our failed relationship shrivel. There really isn't a lot of it left by now, which is a good thing. I also booked a holiday for me and the DDs today - a week in Wales by the sea. Our lives are going to be great.

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Cambionome · 27/12/2017 16:06

Well done pointy - koko. You are doing the right thing. Flowers

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 27/12/2017 17:28

They have a right to feel angry, as do you. Angry is the right reaction, and it sounds great that they are sharing that with you. Holding it in is the path to... well... your H.

Holiday is a great plan. You need things to look forwards to, and safe spaces where it’s not all about him. You three have your own lives, your own problems, your own things going on. You need space to experience those properly.

Aussiebean · 27/12/2017 19:01

I’m so sorry for you and your girls. Glad that you have something to look forward to and can see a bright future Flowers

Jux · 27/12/2017 22:05

Hey there. His behaviour is disappointing but not surprising, really.

Holiday sounds like a great idea; off to Wales (and maybe you'll see FYC's lovely wild flower field in passing! or you could pretend you have, anyway, with the lovely quiet area where drinks are served with aplomb - or a straw Wink - and cushions abound) Grin

Detaching is good. Losing guilt is good. None of this is your fault, pointy. Keep going, love, and look to the new year. Hope he does go tomorrow.

Original poster
pointythings · 28/12/2017 08:37

Well, he's in the shower and is going to the estate agents with me. Which is something. Then the bank tomorrow to transfer money and then we should get a moving in date. I'm planning to go in with him to make sure he pushes for asap rather than 1st of February.

I wasn't surprised either, Jux. Neither were the girls.

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Jux · 28/12/2017 18:42

Horrid to think of children being unsurprised in that context Sad and I’m truly sorry you all are experiencing it. Your resolve is strong, but if it were ever to waiver, the knowledge of your girls’ lack of surprise will be enough to get iron pants on again.

“If it were done, ‘tis best done quickly”, isn’t that the quote? That Shakespeare chap knew a thing or two...

2018 is the year you will all blossom!

Original poster
pointythings · 28/12/2017 20:13

The police have just taken him away after he said he wanted to kill me (twice) in a state of being very drunk. He's not coming back home. I'm not having him.

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