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Relationships

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Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:

Teddy7878 · 02/10/2017 13:55

Would be a deal breaker for me. Like you say it's bad enough he paid for a private dance, but the fact he repeatedly lied to your face about it is shit.
I get that he was probably swept along with the whole male drunken bravado and then maybe didn't tell you because he knew it would upset you, but I think any truly decent person would have insisted they weren't going to do it if they knew their partner wouldn't be happy.
Can you take the kids and go stay with family/friends for a week so you have some breathing space to think?

cakecakecheese · 02/10/2017 13:58

The lying would be very difficult to get past. How has he reacted, has he begged forgiveness etc?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2017 14:02

Yes it would be a deal breaker.

I get that it's not easy to walk away but that's all I can say- I know I wouldn't be able to get past such a disgusting thing, so staying together would just mean misery. I'd never be able to look at him the same way. To get off on that kind of misogynistic shit and to lie and lie- it tells you so much about the kind of person he really is.

I'm sorry.

Racmactac · 02/10/2017 14:04

The dance wouldn’t bother me so much but the bloody lying about it would

Mumof217 · 02/10/2017 14:06

That would be the end for me because yes i get you show off with your friends and go to a strip club which is acceptable to understand and get passed but to go out their way and pay for something private would be crossing the line as its disrespectful and i would be very hurt and then to lie about it is the absolute worst out of it all to try and forgive

FindingNemoandDory · 02/10/2017 14:06

Going against the grain here but if it was a private dance but not actual sex I don't think I'd mind

I've paid for previous boyfriends to have a lap dance before but we were together and it was a laugh

Actual sex would be much harder to accept, especially if lied about.

How did you find out?

mogulfield · 02/10/2017 14:08

My DH knows a private lap dance is cheating, luckily he had no intention of getting one anyway... so it would be a deal breaker for him. Ask him if he'd mind if a naked bloke was writhing round on top of you at a party.

Do you definitely know he did it?

LonginesPrime · 02/10/2017 14:12

It would make me wonder what else he's hiding because he hasn't been caught yet..

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 14:15

It's whether it matters to you that really counts. On a stag night, it probably wouldn't bother me.

CoyoteCafe · 02/10/2017 14:17

I'm quite curious what you thought would happen on a stag weekend.

The lying would bother me, but I don't see strippers as cheating. It's entertainment. She saw him as money and she is not a threat to your relationship.

If your dh were stopping at strip clubs after work, you would have a real problem. At a bachelor party once in a blue moon, very normal and not something worth ending a marriage over.

He saw boobs. He likes boobs. He and his friends laughed about boobs. They also did things like fart and laugh about it.

I can see why you wouldn't want him going on any more stag weekends, but ending your relationship seems like an over reaction.

StaySexyDontGetMurdered · 02/10/2017 14:21

I think a lot unfortunately depends on whether you made your feelings on dances clear beforehand. I personally feel it should be common sense but a lot of men feel entitled to have one and need telling if you don't want them too.

My dh knows it's a big fat no in any form from me, so if he did I would be furious. What do you think you'll do?

gillybeanz · 02/10/2017 14:24

Lying scum bag and ew to the private dance.
I disagree that you should have made your views known beforehand, he should have better morals, dirty old man.

maxthemartian · 02/10/2017 14:26

Coyote a 15 minute private dance goes somewhat beyond liking boobs and, erm, farting.

Gonegirl123 · 02/10/2017 14:27

It wouldn't be the end for me, I wouldn't class that as cheating. The lying is a no go and I'd definitely let him suffer for that! My partner is at a stag do in November and I'd be more shocked if they didn't end up in a strip club!

C8H10N4O2 · 02/10/2017 14:28

It would be a massive issue for me. Doesn't matter if its topless, bottomless or whatever - its the fact that he thinks its ok to buy a woman's 'consent' that would be the issue for me.

I can possibly imagine getting past and infidelity with a consenting adult - maybe. But not the procurement of another woman as a commodity.

guilty100 · 02/10/2017 14:30

I think the chances of a bloke who pays for a private dance not being willing to pay for more on occasion are pretty low. Sorry, OP.

peachgreen · 02/10/2017 14:31

Dealbreaker for me, but it would mean that DH is a completely different person to the one I think he is . Plus lying is already a deal-breaker for me.

FreezerBird · 02/10/2017 14:32

I'm quite curious what you thought would happen on a stag weekend.

Well, my DH's and all the ones he's recently been to involved a long walk in the mountains/paintballing/pub/curry.

I think there was one, years ago, where there was discussion of a strip club but he was in the critical mass of attendees who said 'erm, nope' so it didn't happen.

But then he and (most of) his friends aren't unpleasant misogynists.

Gonegirl123 · 02/10/2017 14:33

You would get over your husband cheating on you and having sex with another woman? But wouldn't get over him having a dance of a stripper. Find that hard to believe

Lovemusic33 · 02/10/2017 14:33

I think it depends on your relationship with your dh, are there other things going on? If this was just a one off then I don't think you need to leave him for it, if he has a history of going to strip clubs and lying then I can see why you would want to leave him.

Stag parties often get out of hand and I don't think because a man has a private dance (though im not 100% sure what this actually involves) I don't think it means he would sleep with someone else.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/10/2017 14:34

It would be over for me but my DP is more than aware that's how I feel and that's our boundaries, so were he to do it, then he would know full well it would be a deal breaker for me. The lying would just be the icing on the cake. I couldn't see past misogynistic behaviour like that and nor would I really want to. Sorry, probably not overly helpful.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/10/2017 14:34

its the fact that he thinks its ok to buy a woman's 'consent' that would be the issue for me

Yep - it would be a deal breaker for me.

I couldn't married to someone who thought this was in any sense acceptable. And it wouldn't be a case of him knowing MY views on it and just obeying because he knew I'd be pissed off - I only want to married to someone who shares those values and wouldn't consider it because of his own moral compass.

SparklingRaspberry · 02/10/2017 14:34

Going to a strip club wouldn't bother me but the private lap dancing and lying would.

Huskylover1 · 02/10/2017 14:34

Ask him how he'd feel, if you paid a super fit, good looking guy, to take his pants off and rub his cock all over your face? And to grind on you for 15 mins. Seriously, I would ask him that very question.

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2017 14:35

I get that it's not easy to walk away

Unless you're a mindless sheep, it's perfectly easy. Peer pressure is an acceptable excuse at school, not once you're a grown adult.

i get you show off with your friends and go to a strip club which is acceptable to understand

Why? I'm a man. I'm 43. Never been to a strip club. Never been on stag do that involved strippers.

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