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Relationships

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Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:

TailEndCharlie · 02/10/2017 14:36

I have to say it wouldn't be the end for me either. Marriage and the wellbeing of your kids is far too important to throw it all away over a lapdance! You know they aren't allowed to touch the strippers? And that they won't have talked or had any kind of bond? That it is just a chick's body? On a stag night? It isn't like he does this every week. If it wasn't on a stag then yes I would be hopping because it would be weird. And make him suffer about the lying. But you can get past this if you want to. But that's the rub... you have to want to.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/10/2017 14:36

I'm quite curious what you thought would happen on a stag weekend

Sorry - many blokes prefer a totally different type of stag. Adventure/extreme sports type things, followed by tons of beer and a decent meal with like-minded people.

Viviennemary · 02/10/2017 14:36

I don't think this would bother me too much. Apart from the waste of money. It was only a bit of silly childish fun on a stag night IMHO. And nobody is going to get an STD from a dance.

Iris65 · 02/10/2017 14:36

I think it is to easy to say 'deal breaker' and 'I'd leave.' I really think that people should get a second chance, especially with something like this which is not the same as having an affair.
The OP and her husband have children together and she is pregnant. OP, you need to think really carefully about whether you can give him another chance, making sure he knows how you feel and what the consequences are.

ladyB2004 · 02/10/2017 14:37

No. Attending the club is one thing in a drunken show of bravado but paying for a private dance is crossing the line. Lying about it makes it worse.

Dustbunny1900 · 02/10/2017 14:38

15 minutes is a long dance! Most of them last a song, so around 3 minutes. This was a mini champagne room type thing I'm guessing. That's a bit more money than someone buying him a quick dance and him going along with it to be polite.
I'd be upset too

LoyaltyAndLobster · 02/10/2017 14:41

OP I haven’t been in a similar position, but I would be annoyed to hear that he paid for a private dance, but I don’t actually see the whole scenario as cheating.

You need to think about ways how you can get past this, if you feel as if you can’t, then do what’s best for you.

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 02/10/2017 14:42

I generally wouldn't give a damn about the dance but the dishonesty would annoy the crap out of me, mainly because as I'm fine with the dance and he knows this there would be no reason to lie to me.
Plus I've been to see male strippers on a hen do and he is fine with that.
Being pregnant however can mess with you, I'm currently feeling fat and clumsy so if he went for a lap dance now I'd probably be a bit pissed off and insecure, and I don't want any his willy near me right now let alone an oily stripper dick so there wouldn't be any double standards. 😂😂😂

meowimacat · 02/10/2017 14:42

I'm surprised people are responding that it would be a deal breaker for them (not in a bad way, I thought everyone would just blow this off as a 'fun' lads time away.)

I used to dread when my ex got invited on a stag do because it was always associated with strip clubs and girls. I think that it's really unfair that he did this, and I wonder just how he would feel if it were you paying a guy for a private show.

Maybe he felt pressure to do that if all the other guys were, but in all honesty I reckon it was more that he wanted to and after a few drinks just thought he'd go for it.

I don't think I'd end things over something like this, but it would really depend whether I felt like I could trust him in the first place. If he's lying about this, what else is he lying about.

inlectorecumbit · 02/10/2017 14:42

I couldn't get passed the lying about it.
A 15 minute dance is a long long and probably expensive dance ( along with any "extra's" you will never know about).

For me it is a deal breaker

HostaFireAndIce · 02/10/2017 14:44

I've paid for previous boyfriends to have a lap dance before but we were together and it was a laugh

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/10/2017 14:46

I missed that it was 15 minutes... That sounds like rather more than 'just' a private dance

NKFell · 02/10/2017 14:49

I think it's the lying that would get me the most however personally, I feel like visiting the club is gross and paying for a private dance is cheating.

It would also make me question his attitude towards women. I doubt I could be in a partnership with someone who saw nothing wrong with strip clubs.

Peaches77 · 02/10/2017 14:49

Op my 'h' did this before our wedding on his stag believe me I wish I had never married him after but I did and I regret it. He did exactly what yours did lied lied lied.when people who didn't think it wasn't that big a deal (some my closest friends) I told them it wasn't so much the action but the lie. We never recovered...leave

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/10/2017 14:56

It would also make me question his attitude towards women

Exactly. That's why it's a fundamental deal-breaker to some women.

It's not about a sheepish apology and then putting it behind you; for some - me - it's about this is my DC father, and if his moral compass is so different to mine, and if this is actually his attitude towards women, then yes, that's big enough for me to say we cannot work through it.

Buck3t · 02/10/2017 14:57

Going to see the stripper wouldn't be the problem for me. I'm quite easygoing in that regard, as I like a little ogle myself. However, lying repeatedly, would end the relationship for me.

We've said from the beginning by all means make mistakes, but own your sh*t. Mess up own it. Those are the rules I live by and therefore demand.

SheRasBra · 02/10/2017 15:02

Only speculating here but if it was 15 mins and none of his friends there then something more will have happened than just dancing. Lots of guys seem to think getting a blowjob isn't cheating as they 'didn't do anything'. I would ask further unless your mind is already made up.

silkpyjamasallday · 02/10/2017 15:26

I wouldn't personally be too bothered about the dance, but the lying would be a problem.

I wouldn't listen to people saying more will have happened, the rooms where private dances are done are always always monitored by cctv whether you can see it or not, for the safety of the girls. And just because a woman is a stripper/lap dancer does not mean she will be offering up sex/sex acts to the men who pay for a dance, and if they do provide other services it will cost a lot of money, much more than a 15 minute dance.

dogfish1 · 02/10/2017 15:49

Bloke here. Never been to a lap dancing club or had a private dance but it wouldn't bother me at all if my girlfriend got a stripper or a private dance at a hen party, so long as it wasn't a regular thing and didn't involve physical contact. The lying isn't good, though.

maxthemartian · 02/10/2017 15:55

Those saying no touching rule... firstly this was in Spain not the UK , secondly the punters may not be allowed to put their hand on the stripper but judging by a documentary I saw about Edinburgh's "pubic triangle" the strippers grind away pretty hard on the blokes...

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2017 15:58

No. Attending the club is one thing in a drunken show of bravado but paying for a private dance is crossing the line. Lying about it makes it worse.

I’d agree. I’ve had cause to think about this a bit recently and it’s a bizarre concept to buy a private dance as a happily settled man. I have issues with the consent side, too, but someone earlier explained that beautifully.

I’d be pissed off about the private dance; and I wouldn’t even bother trying to get over it after he lied. I have a lot less ties than you do; but it’s one of those things I couldn’t forgive.

mrsRosaPimento · 02/10/2017 15:58

Is a private lap dance: a dance, wanking or sex?

Mrskeats · 02/10/2017 15:58

Some may view it as fun; I view it as grim and cheating
Plus the lying. He sounds delightful

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/10/2017 16:04

Well, that's your opinion silkpyjamas , but I hardly think you can tell the OP to ignore anyone who disagrees. A friend's boyfriend got a blow job from a stripper during a private 'dance', so it definitely happens.

Dustbunny1900 · 02/10/2017 16:05

English stripclub rules are (in general) incredibly strict compared to Europe and the US. And 15 min is plenty of time. I say this as a former worker , I would flip if my partner went and got a 15 minute private dance
He felt the need to lie , which doesn't bode well imo.

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