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Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:
LineysRun · 02/10/2017 19:51

Sex isn't only piv, though. Some clubs allow men to orgasm.

And, some men 'save' the memory of the experience for later. It's a very intrusive and destabilising thing for many partners to realise that a memory of of someone and somewhere else has been potentially brought into their relationship.

SquirrelPlantedBeech · 02/10/2017 19:53

OP I saw your other thread a couple of days ago.
Did he see a prostitute too, in addition to the strippers? That’s what you suspected then.

Original poster
Shine123 · 02/10/2017 19:59

Thank you for all your replies. I just can't think straight. No I never set boundaries about stripclubs just never thought of it and honestly I'd be fine with him in one on a stag but it's the private dance I have a huge problem with. It's the first stag he has gone on that has involved total drinking others were skiin, sport activities during the day and then a night out. So I don't think he has been before but who knows.
Since I found out, he has been apologising nonstop begging for another chance to work things out.
He blames it on drinking all day & wanting to forget about pressure of life! He said he thought it be funny!!!!!
It's the hiding it he also he wouldn't have told if I didn't find out, he wanted to forget about it and he knew how upset I'd be

OP posts:
Ducknose · 02/10/2017 19:59

@Blokesworlduk it's a fully nude, genitals in face scenario (in the UK, not too sure what the laws are in Spain), not 'topless' as some seem to believe. Not that it really makes much difference.
Some women would be upset by the disloyalty to them personally aspect/perceived cheating, other women would be upset by the lying, others would be upset to realise they're involved with a misogynist.

Notthemessiah · 02/10/2017 20:00

Leave him if you think he has betrayed you and has done something that you can’t get past, especially if he was well aware of your feelings on the subject, because that means, regardless of what he has done, he doesn’t respect YOU.

Don’t leave him because of other women’s views on prostitution or strip joints, or because doing so would mean somehow letting down your entire sex - you’re an individual, not part of a collective and it’s your own feelings that are the important thing here - nobody else’s.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 02/10/2017 20:14

I can kind of understand that OP - hiding it because of wanting to forget it. Have a think about what your red lines are, and as PP said don't get overly influenced by other people's views on what is acceptable or not. It takes nothing to type out a screed online - it takes a lot to throw away an otherwise decent relationship.

deadringer · 02/10/2017 20:34

I would be extremely pissed off if my dh did this and i think it might be a deal breaker for me, But, if i was pregnant with small dc I might think differently. You need to think long and hard about what you want op, and he needs to understand that this is not just a bit of fun but is something that has really upset you and could lead to the break down of your marriage. Nice to see there are men on here that don't think its compulsory to go to strip clubs for stag dos and sad to see so many women who have come to expect and accept such low behaviour from the men in their lives.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2017 20:39

I’m really surprised that nobody seems to think being pregnant makes this worse.

To me; that and the lying make this so much worse. He hid it; and he went to watch women writhing over him when his wife is pregnant.

I’m glad he’s sorry; and he might be right that he didn’t like it and didn’t want to relive it, but he owed you the truth at the very, very least.

LuckLuckLUCK · 02/10/2017 20:43

Hmmm... alcohol and peer pressure could account for going along to a strip club, but not the private dance. That requires intent.

Sallystyle · 02/10/2017 20:44

It would be the end for me. I don't like dirty little men and men with no respect for women. Or liars.

My respect for him would vanish and he would not be the man I married.

I am sorry OP Thanks

OlennasWimple · 02/10/2017 20:46

DH knows that he would be out on his ear if he did this, so yeah, I would totally LTB over it

Sallystyle · 02/10/2017 20:46

I can possibly imagine getting past and infidelity with a consenting adult - maybe. But not the procurement of another woman as a commodity.

Yep.

RaeCJ82 · 02/10/2017 21:06

OP, I went through this with my OH. He was my bf then and now my fiancé. He and all the other stags on my brother's (😤😡) stag do all had a private dance. He didn't tell me until I asked because I was aware my bro and his friends had been to strip clubs on previous stag dos. I was disgusted and very upset and it did rock us for a little while. However, he was very apologetic and I could tell that he was genuinely sorry and understood why I was so upset. He promised never to have another private dance.
Is your OH sorry for the dance and for lying and does he understand why you're upset? Did he lie because he knew you would be mad and didn't want to hurt you, rather than actively trying to deceive? Only you can really decide if it's a deal breaker, but if you have an otherwise good relationship and he's sorry/can see why you're upset then is it really worth throwing that all away?

CoyoteCafe · 02/10/2017 21:26

But not the procurement of another woman as a commodity.

It's not a slave market, it is show. Sometimes a personal show, but still a performance. It's more similar to buying a theatre ticket than it is to buying a slave. Really.

Men lie about strip clubs because of the kind of absurd rhetoric that's been bounced around on this thread, mostly by women who've never been in strip club.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 21:28

"mostly by women who've never been in strip club."

Interesting. What revelations would we get if we went?

Offred · 02/10/2017 21:36

Men choose to lie about going to strip clubs because they feel entitled to lie about it.

They feel entitled to lie about it because they, on a fundamental level, lack respect for their female partners.

It is not ‘absurd rhetoric’ it is how some women feel and it’s nothing at all to do with ‘slaves’ it is to do with sexism, objectification and consent.

No-one compared it to slaves FFS.

And great, you don’t care about strip clubs/whatever. Why does that mean people who do are ‘absurd’ and ‘overreacting’? Why are you so keen to tell them they are these things?

Is it because you underneath aren’t at all happy about it but feel under pressure to go along with it because ‘this is how men are’ and ‘if I don’t he’ll lie’?

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 02/10/2017 21:42

Oh my goodness, poor bloke. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my DH had a one off private dance on a stag do. My DF took his FIL to a strip club on his stag and my DM got my DF a whipagram for his 50th!

I also have been thrown about by the odd male stripper on hen dos etc. I really think that if its a one off and no he knows that you have a problem with it he won't do it again.

If this is the biggest problem you have in your marriage you are doing well OP.

InRainbows · 02/10/2017 21:42

Devil's Advocate - Perhaps he felt pressure to be one of the Lads and then was too embarrassed / ashamed to tell you?

I think ending a relationship over this would be a very extreme reaction.

Albandra · 02/10/2017 21:44

OP what exactly happened in the private dance?
I don't think I would divorce over a private dance or over going to a strip club. It would be a different matter if we were debating prostitution here but I do believe they are different worlds.

Albandra · 02/10/2017 21:46

As Mustard says:
If this is the biggest problem you have in your marriage you are doing well OP

SquirrelPlantedBeech · 02/10/2017 21:53

OP - can you pease answer my earlier question.
How did this go from him being with a prostitute as you suspected in a thread you posted a couple of days ago, to him having a private dance? Was it two different women he was with?

Other posters are giving advice but I think they need the full story here....

CoyoteCafe · 02/10/2017 21:55

Is it because you underneath aren’t at all happy about it but feel under pressure to go along with it because ‘this is how men are’ and ‘if I don’t he’ll lie’?

I really don't feel under pressure to do much of anything. My views on strip clubs come from having worked my way through uni (many many years ago) by working in a strip club.

Saying that men at strip clubs are "procuring women as a commodity" is saying that they are buying women, which just isn't true. You are saying that's how some women feel, but it isn't how women who work in the clubs feel. They feel like they go to a job and they are paid for their work, like any one else. To women who work in strip clubs, it's just a job.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 21:55

I see the cool girls are out.

Lavendarhillslob · 02/10/2017 21:57

No need to be snarky Bert love.

Offred · 02/10/2017 22:02

So because that’s not how the women in the clubs feel other women are ‘absurd’ or ‘overreacting’ because they feel differently.

And i’m sure you understand that ‘commodity’ isn’t anything to do with slaves FFS...

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