Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:
AussieGrrl · 02/10/2017 16:20

"It's just a chicks body"

Grim.

Thirtyrock39 · 02/10/2017 16:25

I wouldn't be considering leaving but it is a massive no go area for me. I say to my husband it's the equivalent t of me having a really flirty conversation with another bloke and almost snogging while having a slow dance as even if nothing happened in terms of extras you know that it would have most likely been pretty arousing for him .
I do think blokes compartmentalise though and he wouldn't have seen it as unfaithful or anything

Gonegirl123 · 02/10/2017 16:25

EverywhereEverywhere what a comment to make. I'm sure she doesn't need to hear about your friend getting a blowjob.

Iwantamarshmallow · 02/10/2017 16:46

I wouldnt consider a lap dance cheating to be honest . I'd be more worried as to why he had lied about it and I would wonder if she had given him more than just a dance.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/10/2017 17:41

It would be a massive issue for me. Doesn't matter if its topless, bottomless or whatever - its the fact that he thinks its ok to buy a woman's 'consent' that would be the issue for me.

Agree. It’s a reflection on his attitude towards women as a whole and especially as we have two dd’s I would expect far more from him.

You know they aren't allowed to touch the strippers?
Yes they may say that, whether that’s what actually happens is another matter. Especially when extra cash is involved. Also this happened in another country where rules may be different.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Surely it’s common sense that a private lap dance is out of the question when you’re in a relationship? Unless you’ve discussed it first and the partner is ok with it, you’d err on the side of caution surely? Unless you’re a dick who thinks he can have his cake and eat it and then lie about it afterwards.

So sorry op, I would be devastated even if nothing else did happen on this private dance.

FYI not all stag do’s end up in strip clubs.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 02/10/2017 17:52

Gonegirl the OP asked for opinions, thoughts, advice and that's what I have given altho I appreciate I probably could have worded my point better. Basically, I wouldn't want the OP to ignore any gut feelings or even evidence to the contrary because 'they don't touch' ... while it may be entirely possible that they didn't, I wouldn't blindly write it off.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 17:59

I'm just reading the number of wine who say it's a deal breaker...but the number of women who come on MN after discovering an actual (that's been going on months and years) and stays doesn't align with this thread. I don't believe the number saying they'd leave actually would.

I've been to hen parties where a male stripper rubbed himself up against the hen.... money was put in his thong and he ramped it up.

Strippers...male or female do it because they want to. It's easy money for them.

If female strippers are being exploited

.then so are make strippers. You can't have it both ways.

Personally.... I find the whole stripping business in poor taste. Having to get your kit of for a living is sad (male or female).

NeopreneMermaid · 02/10/2017 18:07

My DH had a private dance at his own stag do (his friends arranged and paid for it) and I was surprised how upset I was about it.

Your situation would be difficult at best and a deal breaker at worst because:

  1. It was his own decision;
  2. He knew you'd be upset about it (because he lied);
  3. He lied about it.

In other words, he doesn't care about upsetting you and you can't trust him. This is not an automatic LTB but you need to work through some massive issues for it to stay that way. He needs to know how close he is to losing you and what is not acceptable. I would get him to relationship counselling as he would be in Last Chance Saloon if he were my DH.

StellaFromTheFall · 02/10/2017 18:12

I don't think I'd be too bothered by the lap dance. I expect that there's all sorts goes on at a stag do and for the most part I wouldn't want to know.

BUT

He lied to you and that's a pretty big deal

AND

What made him want a private dance? Something did......

Eleanorsummer · 02/10/2017 18:13

I couldn't be with someone who viewed women as something to be bought.

Bananmanfan · 02/10/2017 18:13

It's certainly cheating if he has repeatedly lied about it, that's your biggest clue.
I would have serious problems with this even if dh was up front about it. If he was involved with a conspiracy of lies (i.e. presumbly a lot of other people know about it) at my expense, I would have an even bigger problem.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 02/10/2017 18:15

YY to those reminding us this is Spain- who knows what the "rules" are. YY also re it being different to watching strippers in a communal setting. It's way more intimate and would likely involve a lot of eye contact, lip licking/pouting, up close soft breathing in ear - you get the picture. Its not like she would be doing an upbeat disco routine- it needs to be really sensual to get the guy going and keep spending/tip well. All the time he's actively thinking what he wants to do to her. Of course we can all fancy others and imagine sex with others- but we don't support the sex trade or spend money doing so.

mylittlepony6 · 02/10/2017 18:17

This happened to me in June. My DH actually told me about it on the way to my birthday weekend (good timing). I was really upset. The weekend was horrific but we have got through it in the weeksame which followed. Good luck OP

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2017 18:26

It's way more intimate and would likely involve a lot of eye contact, lip licking/pouting, up close soft breathing in ear - you get the picture. Its not like she would be doing an upbeat disco routine- it needs to be really sensual to get the guy going and keep spending/tip well. All the time he's actively thinking what he wants to do to her

I wouldn’t want that to bother me; but I also think it would, now. It hasn’t in the past.

Neo did you manage to forgive your husband?

SparklyMagpie · 02/10/2017 18:30

Dealer breaker for me, I wouldn't put up with a lying bastard.

15 minutes, lying full stop. Big fat nope!

MrGrumpy · 02/10/2017 18:37

I realise that, as a 50-year-old man, I'm about to appear very naive but I have never been to a strip club or even seen a stripper.

What's a 'private dance'? Is it literally the stripper dancing in front of just you? There seems to be an insinuation that there is more to it so is 'private dance' a euphemism?

Either way, it's very tacky and I don't blame you for feeling as you do, even if it turns out just to be a dance then he lied to you repeatedly which is a terrible thing to do.

Applebei · 02/10/2017 18:40

Gosh, a lot of very opinionated people on this thread.

OP, if he is a good, kind, committed partner chalk it up to experience. It's not worth throwing away a spouse for. Alcohol, peer pressure - you can see how it would have happened.

Make sure you let him know how upset you are though and it's his responsibility to talk things through and express/show how sorry he is and how much he loves you.

If he doesn't want to do that, you may have a problem.

DeleteOrDecay · 02/10/2017 18:42

A private lap dance is basically where a woman jiggles her bits and bobs in a mans face for his enjoyment.

mogulfield · 02/10/2017 18:44

It's one thing to go to a strip club as part of a stag do to not be the odd one out.
A private 15 minute completely naked dance, that's he's intentionally paid for is different. By the way my friends a stripper and 15 minutes is long!
When you're in a relationship you shouldn't have naked people on top of you for 15 minutes, unless it's the person you're in a relationship with!
You wouldn't stand for it in any other context... if you walked into a bar and your DH had a naked woman on him you wouldn't be like 'he's just being a lad'.

NeopreneMermaid · 02/10/2017 18:45

Anchor, yes but circumstances were different. We'd talked beforehand about what was acceptable on a stag/hen do and ten years ago, I thought I was completely au fait with strippers. As soon as he was back from his stag, he told me all about it and that he hadn't wanted a private dance and found it really cringey (and I do believe him). I hadn't expected to feel upset about it and was really shocked that I did. I think he was too. He was also shocked about how horrible he found it.

We're also now both a lot more enlightened about the realities of the sex trade and effectively buying people's bodies and share the same views.

So it was different from the OP's experience because we'd agreed boundaries in advance (albeit not as stringent as either of is needed as it turned out!), there was no deceit/lying because he volunteered the information when he got back and he understood why I was upset so hasn't done it again in the subsequent decade.

Sorry to derail the thread. As you were!

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/10/2017 18:45

Alcohol, peer pressure - you can see how it would have happened

If he's 14, maybe. Grown adult? Seriously?

Wontbedoingthatanytimesoon · 02/10/2017 18:46

A dance is the duration of the song. 3-4 min

Anything more than that goes into VIP ....

Sorry i wouldn't belive it was just a dance.

Xx

ShatnersWig · 02/10/2017 18:49

NameChange Quite. I said that upthread hours ago. I'm a man who has never been to a strip club or seen a stripper or had any friends who had this type of stag do, nor got pissed out of my skull. The idea that grown men can't control themselves or know their own minds and submit to peer pressure like a load of sheep is such bullshit. Why would anyone want to be with a bloke who can't stand up for himself among his friends? Lemmings.

Mrskeats · 02/10/2017 18:52

Peer pressure!?? Heard it all now
So many apologists for horrible behaviour

ILoveMillhousesDad · 02/10/2017 18:53

That it is just a chick's body

You do realise, that their is a head and a brain attached to just a chicks body don't you. But hey, as long as she is getting money to fulfil a sad little mans sexual fantasy, it's all good. And surely she must be enjoying it, cos all people in the sex industry, just love it.

It is this kind of objectification of women that would make this a dealbreaker for me.