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Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:
Lavendarhillslob · 02/10/2017 23:51

She started it, miss.

PhelanGood · 02/10/2017 23:53

I agree with what a pp said about us all having different boundaries, and do envy the cool girls. However I would personally leave my partner over this without a second thought. Not because of the plight of strippers but because he was paying - or in fact, allowing - another woman to wave her naked bits in his face for the purpose of sexual arousal, while I was sat at home carrying his child. The lying would affirm my decision.

And fifteen minutes? What the hell private dance lasts fifteen minutes? Must have been expensive, and I doubt that it was just a dance. Nobody knows what went on in that room except him and the lady in question, and he hasn't exactly shown himself to be an honest type.

CoyoteCafe · 03/10/2017 00:03

Would you be ok with a daughter doing it?

Heavens no. I've worked very hard to ensure that my children have far better opportunities than I had. I was neglected and abused as a child, and left home in my teens because I was tired of being sexually assaulted and punched. (BTW, I was treated quite well by management when I worked in the clubs). I used everything I had at my disposal to create a completely different life for myself than the one I was born into, starting with getting a university education. Because of that, my daughters have had a decidedly middle class upbringing. (I also married well).

My daughters are therefore more like most of you -- they have the privilege to sit back and see the sexism, rather than need to use the sexism toward their own end. It's a privilege. One that I didn't have, and one that they do.

Clubs vary from place to place and over time. It has been a long time since I worked in one, but this isn't exactly an industry that has changed a lot with technology. I suspect that the laws in different locations have a far bigger impact than the time.

Any other questions?

HelenaDove · 03/10/2017 01:16

Im sorry about your early life Coyote Thanks

Im working class and believe me i see sexism. I also worked in a sex chatline office 16 years ago. So i suppose you could call my old job the lighter end of the sex industry. I was paid £6.00 an hour.

HelenaDove · 03/10/2017 01:21

"It's not a slave market, it is show. Sometimes a personal show, but still a performance. It's more similar to buying a theatre ticket than it is to buying a slave. Really."

You posted this earlier Coyote. If its just as similar as buying a theatre ticket why wouldnt you want a daughter of yours working there?

Or is it only a show/theatre when you are arguing for mens rights to frequent these places.

I think you DO have a problem seeing sexism here. But its definately there.

Sallystyle · 03/10/2017 06:06

it doesn't make any sense to me to end your marriage over one visit to a strip club

It makes perfect sense. If my husband went to the pub and a random woman stripped and danced around him naked and he sat there and let it happen I don't think so many people would come and post that it was fine and it was just a drunken 'mistake'. The fact that he actually paid for it would make it worse for me.

I, and many others simply wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who would view women that way. I think it is sad and yes, scummy. My respect for him would die.

if this is the biggest problem you have in your marriage you are doing well OP

Some people have really low standards don't they?

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 03/10/2017 06:22

Some people have really low standards don't they?

Oh God U2 thats made me laugh. Thanks for that. I'm massively pregnant and fed up and thats tickled me so much. I think my standards are just fine cheers.

OP it was once on a stag do its not a lifestyle choice. Don't let opinions on here wind you up. If you have expressed disgust and he has apologised move on.

Sallystyle · 03/10/2017 06:54

Oh God U2 thats made me laugh. Thanks for that. I'm massively pregnant and fed up and thats tickled me so much. I think my standards are just fine cheers.

I am glad that has made you laugh. Sounds like you needed it.

Oh my goodness, poor bloke.

The fact that you think he is a 'poor bloke' because he is getting a tough time due to lying and paying a woman to dance around him naked for sexual thrills is quite telling. Poor bloke indeed!

Thirtyrock39 · 03/10/2017 07:11

I also think that everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. Alcohol has made me make some regretful choices over the years and if it's a one off then move forward together

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2017 07:26

I think everyone make mistakes too. But the mistakes you make when drunk just reveal the bits of yourself you would prefer to keep hidden.

MiracleCure · 03/10/2017 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 03/10/2017 07:58

@CoyoteCafe

Saying that men at strip clubs are "procuring women as a commodity" is saying that they are buying women, which just isn't true. You are saying that's how some women feel, but it isn't how women who work in the clubs feel. They feel like they go to a job and they are paid for their work, like any one else. To women who work in strip clubs, it's just a job.

I agree with your statement above.

I knew of a woman who worked in this area...she was a student.... this was done purely for the money.....she actually thought fellow students who worked in supermarkets and restaurants were stupid for passing up the easy money.

I'm aware of areas in which exploitation exists... but let's not make women out to brainless and helpless when they make these choices.

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2017 08:01

"but let's not make women out to brainless and helpless when they make these choices."

No. Let's not. And let's not make out that men are brainless and helpless when they make their choices either.......

Offred · 03/10/2017 08:13

I actually don’t see how anyone could read into some women not wanting to be in a relationship with a man who participated in the sex industry because they think it’s mysogynistic a criticism of women who work in the sex industry as ‘helpless’ and ‘brainless’...?!

What is being criticised is the men who participate and the industry...

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2017 08:24

It's classic deflection. If you start with the mindset that men have a right to sex/are too weak to resist sex then you have a vested interest in making it OK for women to be paid to provide it.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2017 08:27

It always comes back to women's choices/behaviour, doesn't it ?

Offred · 03/10/2017 08:28

Well yes, and coyote has called women who feel this way and are clear with men that they feel this way ‘absurd’ ‘overreacting’ and said they are to blame for men lying to them...

You either feel it is misogynistic or you don’t. If you do how does it become the above simply by you telling men you feel this way?

stitchglitched · 03/10/2017 08:28

Sandy were the male students also lapdancing to make this easy money? Or was this great opportunity to grind naked against strangers only available to women? Mmm, why's that I wonder.

BertrandRussell · 03/10/2017 08:41

You know, when you actually stop and think about it, the whole idea of any sort of sex work is absurd. There is a whole industry dedicated to servicing the supposed sexual needs of men. We have a society that is telling men that there are some women who are "rentable" (as some people objected to buyable) and they have a perfect right to rent them. The same society tells women that if they object they are uptight, puritan, overthinking and "their man" will lie to them and it will be their fault. it's really insulting to men apart from anything else. They don't see dirt, they are incapable of looking after children properly or writing a Christmas card - and they can't be expected to be in control of their sexual urges.

LavendarHillSlob · 03/10/2017 08:47

But harsh Bert my OH can write a Christmas card. What are you saying?

guilty100 · 03/10/2017 08:54

That is one hell of a post Bertrand. And sums up exactly what I wanted to say.

There is another side to this, however. And that is that there are plenty of men who wouldn't dream of setting foot in a strip club, who wouldn't dream of buying titillation, and who wouldn't dream of buying sex. This is a cultural problem, not a genetic one: there is absolutely no causal link between having a penis and acting this way. These stag weekends that involve various kinds of exploitation of women are an index of a bloke's attitude, and there is absolutely nothing manly, red-blooded or impressive about the type who requires these kind of laddish bonding sessions to bolster some faltering sense of their own masculinity. I'm not coming at this from a naive perspective - I know quite a few men who use prostitutes. But I also know quite a few who wouldn't dream in a million years of doing so. And they're not all geeky, shy, naive wusses - some of the physically and mentally strongest guys I know treat all women decently.

DeleteOrDecay · 03/10/2017 09:40

I knew of a woman who worked in this area...she was a student.... this was done purely for the money.

It can’t be just me that thinks it’s sad that some women feel that they have to resort to selling/renting out their body to creepy entitled men who they’d otherwise not look twice at, in order to make ends meet.

People speak of women working in strip clubs/prostitution as if it’s just the done thing (and yet they wouldn’t want their own dd’s doing that sort of work, wonder why that is). It’s not and it shouldn’t be. There should be other viable options so that no woman will ever find themselves in a position where selling their body is their only option. It’s tragic, and I’m angry at the punters who take advantage of that vulnerability.

MrGrumpy · 03/10/2017 12:41

Ducknose: " it's a fully nude, genitals in face scenario"

Bloody hell, that's grim!

I'm glad I've never been to a strip club, it's worse than I imagined!

mogulfield · 03/10/2017 12:57

grumpy grim indeed. I've just left the armed forces and unfortunately a lot of the blokes saw strip clubs as run of the mill. Even the good guys Sad one of my friends regailed the story of his last lap dance where the stripper had her bits so close to his face he could smell her, lovely. (And I don't mean her perfume).
Another bunch hired a stripper for a hotel room, didn't have any money, so through coins at her until she left... I've not spoken to him since that story.

mogulfield · 03/10/2017 13:04

threw

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