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Original poster

Hubby had private dance

191 replies

Shine123 · 02/10/2017 13:51

Hi
I have found out my partner has been to stripper while on a stag weekend away in Spain. He paid for a private dance lasting 15 minutes.
I found out they had visited strippers he denied going every time I asked him if he went. It's only because I found out he went and had a private dance he has had to confess.
I'm unsure if our relationship can survive this we have children and I'm pregnant
It's bad enough he went and had a private dance but somehow I feel if he was honest and told me about it, it wouldn't hurt as much.
Has anyone else been in similar situation? Could you work trough it or is it one a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:
DottyBlue2 · 02/10/2017 18:56

Is the OP coming back?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/10/2017 18:56

Thanks neo - I’ve had a similar shift in thinking recently; it’s good to know you can come out of it and still be on the same page.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 18:59

I am constantly amazed at the low opinion some women have of men. And then they come onto the FWR boards and accuse feminists of being man haters!

Applebei · 02/10/2017 19:05

Have none of you ever done an idiotic thing thanks to alcohol and circumstances? Or are you all total puritans?

I don't think your moral outrage helps the OP in any way. Frothing over the moral indecency of it all isn't going to help this woman who is sitting at home, upset about her husband. This thread feels like outrage top trumps.

Offred · 02/10/2017 19:11

This would end my relationship too, because of the misogyny.

Finding out my h had lied about going to a strip club before he met me put the final nail in the coffin of my marriage.

Also finding out recent X had lied about a stag do he was invited on. He told me about it by saying ‘F is getting married and his stag do is coming up, they’ve invited me but I don’t want to go because of how it will be, it’s in Prague so you know’. F was also an appalling misogynist who I had only met once but nearly broke up with him over as the one time I did meet him he was so horrendous and x was joining in...

Later he brought it up in an argument ‘you stopped me going to f’s stag do!!!’ I was like ‘huh? You told me you weren’t going to go because you didn’t want to get involved in the misogyny!!!’

Borrowed time...

So yes, women do break up with men over this stuff. And no, it isn’t ‘overreacting’

If you think it’s fine for you that’s you but it is one of my boundaries and I make my views on the sex industry very very clear at the start. A relationship with me is conditional on not being involved in the sex industry whether it’s as an active participant or as a casual observer of friends.

If a man doesn’t like it he can fuck the fuck off and find someone who doesn’t feel the way I do.

HelenaDove · 02/10/2017 19:13

Iwantamarshmallow Mon 02-Oct-17 16:46:21
"I wouldnt consider a lap dance cheating to be honest"

So if your DH had a female friend who stripped and grinded on his lap at a party that would be ok then.

Or is only ok when money changes hands Hmm

Offred · 02/10/2017 19:16

And no I wouldn’t consider it cheating, I would consider it something much worse - misogyny and what woman would willingly be in a relationship with a man who is a misogynist or too fucking weak to not go along with misogynistic friends?

Turkeys and Christmas springs to mind....

HelenaDove · 02/10/2017 19:19

"Why would anyone want to be with a bloke who can't stand up for himself among his friends"

Personally id find this a right fanny dryer!

HelenaDove · 02/10/2017 19:21

Applebei ...............no Im 44 and have never been drunk.

But it seems the drinking culture in this country leads some who drink to think that everyone has done stupid things when drunk.

Well some of us havent And some of us have never been pissed.

HelenaDove · 02/10/2017 19:24

And the drinking culture in this country is so ingrained that anyone who doesnt partake is called a puritan or a square.

Im certainly not either of those things i just dont drink and have never been drunk.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 02/10/2017 19:26

Have none of you ever done an idiotic thing thanks to alcohol and circumstances? Or are you all total puritans?

Are you wilfully ignoring the key issue that some posters are making. Probably the 'puritans' that you're mocking.

Drunk dialling. A snog. Saying something thoughtless. Staying out all night. All bloody annoying, probably hurtful, but yes, most relationships would survive.

Paying a woman to grind on you? Completely different. It's saying 'I think it's okay to buy a woman for my sexual pleasure.' That means giving a big thumbs up to a sex industry that treats women appalling and leads to thousands of horrible, heart-rending stories.

Frothing over the moral indecency of it all

Given the choice between the slapped wrist and 'well, he was drunk, and he's a maaaan, bless,' attitudes on this thread, I'd be fucking frothing until the last bag was packed and he'd left the building.

SandyY2K · 02/10/2017 19:28

Peer pressure doesn't only apply to teenagers. To think so is rather naive.

Though I very much doubt the OPs was coerced into the private dance.... He could have said he didn't have the money...but I think he was well up for it, without influence from anyone.

MrsDustyBusty · 02/10/2017 19:29

Have none of you ever done an idiotic thing thanks to alcohol and circumstances? Or are you all total puritans?

Certainly I've done ridiculous things that I've regretted. But none that offended my personal morals. Which is the problem.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/10/2017 19:29

Gonegirl123 You would get over your husband cheating on you and having sex with another woman? But wouldn't get over him having a dance of a stripper. Find that hard to believe

If this was in response to my post I said I could possibly imagine getting past an infidelity yes. I've seen others do it which makes me think its possible if not easy.

But a man who thinks it fundamentally acceptable to view women as commodities whose consent can be bought and sold? Not a chance.

Ducknose · 02/10/2017 19:30

Some people are being naive about what a private dance entails.
This man is a liar and thinks it's ok to exploit/buy women.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 19:31

What CH8 said. Exactly.

Blokesworlduk · 02/10/2017 19:34

Crikey my mates best not tell their wives them. None of them would be married!

Blokesworlduk · 02/10/2017 19:34

What does a private dance entail then Ducknose?

Crumbs1 · 02/10/2017 19:36

I'd have an issue with my husband going to a 'gentleman's club' let alone having a private dance. Would it be the end? No, because we'd have had the conversation beforehand and he wouldn't have gone.
I suspect it's a bit precious to be offended if you happily wave them off to a lads drinking session at a club where the very 'raison d'etre' is to sell sex.

LineysRun · 02/10/2017 19:38

Some 'private dances' in some establishments are not supervised by persons who are bothered about regulatory controls.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 02/10/2017 19:39

Sigh OP what did you finally decide to do?

Each couple draws lines where they want tbh - as you can see from responses above. Some people don't mind either party going to see male or female strippers, some wouldn't consider a private dance cheating, some would think of it as a deal breaker. Us telling you where our red lines are may not actually be helpful to you. And I don't think it's as clear cut as anyone makes it out to be otherwise we wouldn't have such a wide range of opinions.

The lying is harder to handle - but was he lying because he was ashamed and didn't want to face your reaction or lying because he thought he could get away with it?

I may not immediately LTB given you are pregnant etc but I'd probably want quite a few more in depth conversations to understand what happened.

Offred · 02/10/2017 19:41

Crikey my mates best not tell their wives them. None of them would be married

Perfect example of misogyny right there. It’s alright to do something that your (female) partner would feel fundamentally changes the whole relationship and the only problem is if your partner finds out...

ZaphodBeeblerox · 02/10/2017 19:42

Exactly what Offred said.

I think the whole business is disgusting and misogynistic. But clearly not all men or women share my view on this so don't want to impose this post hoc on OPs situation.

CakesRUs · 02/10/2017 19:46

If there absolutely wasn't sex involved and it absolutely was a one off, it would depend on how your relationship and other areas of your life are.

BertrandRussell · 02/10/2017 19:49

I''m puzzled by people calling it "cheating". Surely that's not the issue?

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