I cheated. DH discovered the affair just after it ended

[KC11]

More than 7 years ago I cheated on my H. 5 weeks in total. For me it was more about the emotional side and the hugs and smiles and texts during the day saying he was thinking about me. We did have sex several times. I ended the affair and hoped I wouldn't be found out. H, I now know, had been suspicious and managed to find out my pin code for my mobile. The OM texted me even though it was over to ask could he see me. I was in the shower oblivious to the text. H had my mobile and saw the text 5 minutes after it arrived. H opened the text and that was that. Affair discovered. Moving forwards...H and I have been arguing recently and one of the things that keeps coming up is that he wants details of the affair. Full details...where, when, how many times? Did we do 'x'? Did we do 'y'? Have I seen him in our local area? Was his child there when we saw each other/slept together? I really don't want to go into the details. Am I in the wrong?

I am back on here.

To all the people who think it is easy to mourn the life you thought you would have eg children and grand children are either parents already or did not want children. It hurts . It hurts. It hurts. Every pregnancy announcement. Every celeb on front of magazine cradling their bump. Every child abuse case on TV. It hurts. I am morning a loss. H does not want you see that.

I am shit. I was a shit. I cheated. I will be leaning H because I can't be in this relationship ship any longer. It is over for H and me. He will not final to me at all. Nothing. He's not asking questions. He's saying goes nothing. Doing nothing.

It hurts me to see the pain I caused.

If I was commenting on fine of essential post 8 years ago maybe I would have judged.

H has had loads of details from me. I promised H it was never in our house. OM never came anywhere near our house. OM did not visit our house.not once. He had his own house and was divorced. Eg living with his DC age 4.

I'm sorry for cheating.

Our families know I cheated. Close friends know as well. They took time to forgive me. They try to not show their fefl8ngs about it now. Sometimes a friends dad will refer indecently to it and I feel ill when that bonversation happens.

Me and H don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

It's time for us your let each other go and move on.

Maybe in the future I might try to adopt.

My two true friends tell me I would be a good parent.

I do believe it deep down.

H has probably never wanted to adopt but he has hidden this truth from me and nice been too scared to bring the subject up.

I think H has seen OM around our area and for all I know they've wound each other up with ego crap and macho shit.

Not indecently indirectly. Auto correct.

I've tried to rebuild the trust but it hasn't worked.

I would still try but since 1st Sept I've been sent to Coventry. Silent treatment and passive aggressive actions. leaving golf clubs in awkward places just to be a pain. Leaving cups and plates in thd floor and leaving curtains closed all day long and going out and leaving curtains closed and smelly duvets on the sofa. Not feeding our pets.

KC11 I am thinking of you. Please do what is right for you.

If you ever want to talk about adoption, message me. Can I ask roughly how old you are?

I hope things in life can move on for you.

Summer brilliant posts.

For the record this thread has been interesting for me and at times troubling because I've realised I do sometimes find it hard to have sympathy, I want to be sympathetic but, for example in this situation, I cannot see beyond all the husband's bad behavior.

The OP's affair doesn't excuse all that bad behavior just as all that bad behavior doesn't excuse the affair.

But OP if you do leave and move on, you really can leave that affair in the past. Focus on your future and what you would like to happen next.

I'm 43.

I suspect he needs to know the details to move on. Just be prepared that he may not be able to move on with you.

My apologies, the thread had moved on a lot whilst I was slowly typing

KC11 -- I'm a former teacher of at risk students, and I've had several students who were adopted or in foster care. I feel really blessed to have been part of their lives, and to get to know their amazing parents. There is a whole beautiful world out there that you can be a part of.

My advice is to choose who you tell your whole story to. For most people, keep is short. Infertility was the root cause of marital problems.

To hear more, people should have to prove that they are worthy of hearing your story. As some have shown on this thread, there are women who are so caught up in their own victimhood that they will never be able to understand that their story isn't your story. They honestly think that the problem in your marriage was sex.

I'm sorry for all the pain you've been through, and I'm sorry for all the pain your soon to be ex has been through. It really isn't fair, not at all.

But you still can make your own life beautiful.

KC11 when we went for adoption all the couples were in their forties, except maybe two couples in thirties and one in fifties (I think).

You will need to heal somewhat from the experience of your marriage before you pursue adoption but as I say I was in my late forties when we adopted a lovely, adorable, and spirited 3 year old boy.

Whatever you want your future to contain, you can pursue this. Or at least a version of this. We had extensive fertility treatment with donor eggs and although not cheap I am glad we did all we could to give our dd a sibling and ourselves another child.

I don't know if your fertility issues are to do with your eggs or other factors. If it is just an egg factor it is possible to have fertility treatment with donated embryos, as well as donor eggs or sperm. This is not cheap but if you would like to consider a family you may wish to think about it, certainly to dismiss the idea if you would one day consider adoption.

It may be that if you are single again you could meet someone new, or make your career or voluntary work a major factor in your life. But having had fertility issues for years I know that this is one area of life that can dominate and if your marriage really is over (your choice totally of course, depending on your husband), you may choose to focus on what is right for you.

It's not always easy being fifty something and at the school gates alongside mums in their twenties but it is a lot better than missing out on something you want and ironically a couple of young mums have told me that they've found older mums more friendly.

CoyoteCafe I cross posted with your excellent advice.

I know that this thread has covered much ground, but to address the OP...

I don't agree that a betrayed spouse has the right to demand details of anyone's personal life. The BS is entitled to express their hurt, their perspective, their rage and humiliation, and a right to expect that to be listened to. But everyone has the right to say 'I don't want to tell you that'. It's controlling and abusive to an unacceptable degree to intrude of anyone's inner experience by sanding details that they're not comfortable sharing.

I speak as someone who was betrayed years ago in the most shockingly painful way imaginable. I'll never 'get over' the hurt, but it doesn't mean that I get to force someone to tell me things that they're not comfortable with.

They're my issues, not his.

Your story is heartbreaking KC11. I hope that you find peace and happiness in the future.

The H said none of that Summer. ('I need X because I love you' etc.) He has requested information in order to rebuild trust. The OP admits she has lied to her H about where she was, since the affair. Why would someone do that? How does someone do that and still claim to have worked on rebuilding trust? Rebuilding trust means no more lies, ever. That is why this man wanted those 200 pieces - it's because the OP has shown him that she is a person who does not tell the truth all the time.

And the OP has decided that because the H did not accompany her on her infertility journey the way she wanted him to she was entitled to have an affair. I do not think she would agree with you that love is not demanding. She clearly thinks it was a fair exchange of hurts.

People experience losses of all sorts, and they are let down by their partners in many ways both big and small, and disappointed by them, and hurt. Italian has posted of her own infertility here. It did not cause her to have an affair. I lost a sister suddenly in the prime of her life. My H returned to his self absorption a few days after her funeral. Loss does not automatically lead to affairs. Hurt does not automatically lead to affairs. Nor does disappointment.

The OP is still married to the H despite the problems in the relationship that she depicted as causes of her affair. She intended to stay married while having the affair. She even contemplated adoption as a couple, despite all she has said here about his massive character flaws and how hard it was to be in a relationship with him. He was good enough to stay married to and make plans with but not good enough for the OP to stay away from another man?

If the OP is not going to tell people in the future that an affair contributed to the demise of her marriage, she should not forget that herself.

Math "If the OP is not going to tell people in the future that an affair contributed to the demise of her marriage, she should not forget that herself." How could she forget it? Of course she will not. Marriages can sometimes withstand affairs, cruelty, and infertility. But sometimes they cannot. Maybe sometimes it is best they do not. Only the OP can decide.

"Italian has posted of her own infertility here.It did not cause her to have an affair."

That is true, but to be honest the one time in my life when I most felt like having an affair was when we were in the 'throws' of fertility treatment over a long period of time. I can honestly say I am not a very sexual person at all and I think I was feeling very 'under valued' as a person at he time. Kind of not noticed. Our love life had become very much around trying to conceive another child and I met a man who paid me compliments, as simple as that.

Looking back he was not as handsome or successful as my husband but he noticed me! I am truly thankful nothing at all ever happened. Luckily, (or for any one of a number of reasons) I never ever attempted to take it further. I could say I am very moral or was religious (I am a Christian). But it could also have been that with dd I have/had little free time! Plus the idea of getting naked with a stranger or a friend just does not appeal.

I had met attractive men in the past (since marriage) through work, but I think that time in my life when going through fertility treatment, was a very hard time.

So, no, fertility treatment is not an excuse (or fertility issues) for infidelity, but I I can honestly say it was a low ebb in my life. I guess also I was lucky my friend was a nice decent man or was not actually attracted to me!

But he made me feel he was attracted to me.

In a scary way that was very appealing at a very low ebb time, in spite of the fact I was really not at all looking for sex!

So I was lucky, and I am grateful for that, but I wanted to share this to show at such a time even this very un-sexy woman could feel the pull of being around someone who made me feel special - at a time I felt pretty crap.

I hope that makes sense.

Math I am really sorry about your sister, that must have been devastating.

Must go to bed now, just been reading about how lack of sleep is very bad for your heart.

Night all.

But something held you back from an affair all the same, Italian.

Possibly my being a prude Math! I am trying to say that I could very easily have been in the OP's boat!

Night.

Which rather suggests that the OP's protests (wrt answering her H's questions) that she is not a sexy person are a little shy of reality?

@mathanxiety -- why are you so hateful toward some one you've never met in real life, who has never done anything to hurt you? Why do you need to shame some one? How does that ease the pain that your husband was gay?

Subconscious sabotage? Something must have triggered a new bout of doubt. Could he be having an affair?

You are misreading me, Coyote.

I am pointing out that there is a script that cheaters tend to follow. Part of that script involves depicting the relationship in a way that makes an affair completely understandable. The narrative makes it easier for the cheater to live with herself or himself because the affair can be explained by external factors.

There has been on this thread a good deal of taking the OP's description of her H at face value. Negatives on the H's part have been repeated frequently. Nobody here has met the H in real life but many have judged him. I have pointed out that even though he was apparently horrible enough to make her feel an affair was justified, he wasn't horrible enough to stop investigating adoption with him as co-parent, or to stop her living with him before, during and after the affair. Retouching the character of the spouse or the nature of the relationship to provide a context to the affair is a very well known mechanism.

I am suggesting that the OP needs to be honest with herself about what led to the affair, because if she can't do that she may well find herself having another one if she finds herself in another relationship. It is not a sign of hate to hope that someone will recognise problems in her previous approach and deal with them in order to be happier in future.

FWIW, I think both parties here will be far happier apart and that the relationship has run its course. I wish them both well.

You come across as putting the boot in maths anxiety, rather than trying to heighten OP's self-awareness.

Is there a script for betrayed spouses too, do you think?

KC11 I have someone very close to me who has been unable to conceive again after losing a baby at term. Her DH was not for adoption. It is a long, painful journey.

I also know someone who has adopted as a single person. That too has been challenging, but I know the journey I would have preferred.

I do think it is time to let go and move on. By the sounds of it, you are being defined by something which happened/ which you did as a result seven years ago, which is not you. No-one thing defines a person. You sound like you feel massively guilty, but it is time to put that burden down. You have tried to repair the marriage, you have learned from it, it is not reparable, but that is a constellation of factors, not just what happened seven years ago.

math my post was clearly about the letter SandyY2K posted. I did not reference the OP. I was not at all extrapolating to the OP. Your hurt is about things which have happened to you, which is entirely understandable. But it is less understandable for it to be unremittingly directed at the OP and people who are seeking to offer the OP support in an entirely different situation. And I mean that kindly. The OP is not your ex.

@SummerflowerXx

I shared the letter to express how some betrayed spouses feel and why they need to know the details.

Of course one can say base your decision on the 600 pieces of the puzzle that you have, but many betrayed spouses really want to make it work.

I speak to people on both sides of infidelity. Some don't want to know any details. They say it would give them mind movies.... others want to know what hotel they used.... Did he touch your neck ....did you do xx sexual act with him ...did your have multiple orgasms ...the OW/OMs name, wwhich some cheaters refuse to give...because they feel it doesn't matter.

You don't get to say what matters.... and if you do...you can't expect a successful reconciliation.

In truth .. there is no right or wrong.

When BSs tell me they want to and need to know details.... I do wonder why they want the visual of their husband or wife with someone else.... but it's not my place to invalidate their need to know.

Ive asked.. how will knowing the detail help you....the responses include

• "I don't know"
• "I need to know if she did things she wouldn't with ME
• "I want to avoid doing things they did, which would remind him/her of the OM/OW

"I want to create new memories of that hotel/restaurant etc, that would be ours "

On a personal level..if my husband cheated..
That would be all I needed to know. Ok apart from the length of the affair, who she was, how it started.

I don't need to know if she was better than me, slimmer, richer..whatever..

But I've learned that not everyone has that view.... and that deciding they are stupid or controlling or anything else is invalidating them.

My professional background gives me a holistic view, where I can purely focus on the needs of the individual using a person centred approach.

OP - I understand your reluctance too.

I've heard the words of men and women who have cheated. They feel ashamed... They want it to stay in the past. Women especially say they acted out of character. Did wild, humiliating risque things with the OM that they would never do with their husband. Things they say they didn't really enjoy and only did it to please the OM and keep the affection coming.

I do understand you saying that you aren't a very sexy person... It's been described as a quid pro quo. You give the sex for the emotional return.

I'm not here to judge. I just try to give an objective view.

My point was that it is the language of control Sandy. I need you to do x because I love you, i need to do y because I love you. It disguises the reality that the need is really for the speaker to regain some sense of control.

The letter is emotional blackmail. It is 'you have done this terrible thing and I need all the details to be able to move on because I love you'. Take away the 'because I love you' and replace it with 'to help restore my own sense of wellbeing' and that is a more honest sentence. It is the 'because I love you' which makes it manipulative.

It is a minor point, but the notion of 'because I love you' as a reason for demanding intimate details jars with me.

By saying love is not demanding, I do not mean all reasonable mutual expectations and obligations are negated. I mean that those obligations and expectations should be a process of ongoing consensual communication and if they are breached, repairing them should be ongoing, consensual communication. I am not saying math that there should never be hurt, or all hurts should be overlooked. Some hurts are too big to overlook, but how we respond is our responsibility.

math I have read all of your posts and think you've been spot on. I don't think you've been hateful in any way whatsoever. Maybe a few hard truths have been told but that's not hateful.

So much of what you have posted reflects my own experience from when my dw cheated on me, both the immediate aftermath and the following years, especially the expectation of being able to just get over it within a time frame and the guilt I've felt for being unable to. I wanted to thank you for putting into words a lot of what I am unable to.

I think its hard for the one who betrays to understand that the one who is betrayed may carry on as normal, often for quite a while, but never really quite feel the same, regardless of whatever remedial actions the betrayer takes. Its no ones fault really, it just is what it is and is sad . Some people can breeze through these things and not really give too much of a shit, others cannot and I think it often depends on what kind of relationship you had before too. My own feeling is its worse if you think you have a good relationship and its always been quite intense/co -dependent because you somehow feel you no longer quite know that person.