sometimes that's taking away the certain knowledge that they can ignore the other person and their feelings, take them for granted, and yet the other person will just always be there for them. For some people, it is a massive wake up call that their partner is an actual human being with feelings.
I don't have any sympathy for a man wouldn't let his wife cry when she was going through IVF. None. Who couldn't be bothered to go to appointments to support her. Who couldn't be bothered to have a real discussion about adoption. None.
Two things about all that:
(1) That may or may not be the truth. A person who cheats will often construct a context to the cheating in order to excuse it. There will often be a massive devaluation of the spouse during the period that precedes the affair, while the flirting and the crossing of lines goes on in the cheater's head.
(2) If she was indeed so miserable about all of that heartlessness, then the thing to do about it was to confront the H with the possibility of divorce unless he changed his tune.
I seriously question what sort of woman reading this thread projects her own marriages woes on it. What sort of spouse would one have to have been to relate to such a man? My god, what the hell did you do to your spouse before his affair that you are unable to see that in some cases, part of why the affair happens is because the other spouse was a shit.
In the first place, as stated, we only have the word of a person who we have seen putting considerable effort into minimising the affair here on this thread to go on as to what the H is like. The OP has a very definite pov here. Several coats of gloss have been painted over the affair she had, and over the relationship with her H.
In the second place, my exH cheated with a man. He told me it was a woman, but I found out the truth. Meanwhile, he told counselors and anyone who would listen what a cold, frigid bitch I was, what a lazy slob and terrible mother, how I was selfish and unfeeling, and there was more. His mother confronted me about how lonely he was and asked me why I wouldn't talk to him, and I set her straight (pardon the pun). So pardon me if I cast a jaundiced eye on the words of a cheater.
Affairs happen because the cheater is a shit, and a coward. Reasons for the affair come into being because the cheater is a shit and a coward, but who feels entitled to be well thought of and has no compunction about spreading the blame and making it all look a good deal more fuzzy than it was, and if that means turning a man who may or may not be a human iceberg into someone who resembles a human iceberg, so be it. The cheater has a vested interest in the narrative of the mean spouse and miserable marriage.
After the affair, if the cheater wants to work on the relationship there should not be conditions, or a time limit, and there has to be recognition of the damage to both the relationship and the trust of the betrayed spouse and bona fide efforts to do whatever it takes to help the betrayed spouse to heal, with full acknowledgement that that might not result in forgiveness or moving on.
The contribution to healing might involve a separation, a move to another job or to somewhere else in the country, always having your phone available for the other person, always answering texts or calls from your spouse, and answering questions about what happened, where, when, etc.
There should be no lying about where you are and expecting it not to be a setback to the process of regaining trust. No withholding information the betrayed spouse requests because suddenly the cheater becomes all precious about sex. The husband here doesn't even know if the OM had sex in his bed.
I don't think she stayed with him because of guilt, ItalianGreyhound. I think she stayed because she still felt too cowardly to end it herself. She describes asking her H what he wants, which is putting the mess in his lap and asking him to make the decision.
There is no time limit to the hurt, ItalianGreyhound. Seven weeks or seven years - it makes no difference. Things can happen, things can be said that take you back to square one.
"The cheating spouse takes away everything the faithful spouse thinks they know about their own life." Well it really depends if the spouse who cheats does really love their partner and if they do but still cheat, does that take away all the love, does it mean the marriage is a lie?
I don't think you understand at all what the betrayed spouse might feel.
Cheating changes everything. It changes who you are. It changes who the cheater is, and it changes the relationship forever. No matter what happens from discovery on, the relationship will never be the same. The affair will always be hanging over it. It will lurk in the background. It will poison the air. The betrayed spouse may find him or herself overwhelmed by emotion about it months or even years later.
It's not that cheating just takes away the love, or that it makes the marriage a lie. The betrayed spouse finds himself living with someone he does not know at all, a stranger who has done something unthinkable, and unthinkably cruel. The spouse looks back at the time the affair was going on and they see themselves as a fool. They feel humiliated. They tear their hair out wondering how much else went on that they did not know about, asking themselves if the cheater has only told them as much as they suspect they know.
They have left the faithful spouse with an unbearable burden - to try to forgive, try to forget, try not to dwell on what has been done, or perhaps decide while still reeling or maybe many months or years later to separate, divorce, start all over again in a new home, grieve the loss of the relationship, the loss of the future they had planned and their own identity as part of a couple.
You are judging a cheater by their intentions when you bring up the question of whether the cheater still feels love for the betrayed spouse, which is exactly what a narcissist wants you to do. If they really loved their partner they would not cheat. You either love or you cheat.