Red flags thread - post yours here

[lottieandmia]

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.

1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.

1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.

1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.

1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)

1. Break ups were never their fault.

1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.

1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.

1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

10. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

11. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

12. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

Great list.

13. They don't follow through on the small stuff (calling when they say they will, keeping a specific evening free)

14. They're rude to waiters / bar staff etc

I've started noticing how often men, whilst trying to chat me up, insult me. Not outright, but subtlety, in a way my younger self would have accepted as teasingly flirting.

2 recent examples are one man who tried talking to me after he'd eavesdrop on my friend and me discussing politics. He said hello, asked my name, then 'I heard you talking there. Bit passionate about it mind, aren't you?!', and another just last night who came over and I spoke to for a few minutes then asked I wanted a drink. I declined, I had a full one, and he said 'too proud to accept a drink, eh?'

If they can't chat you up without a veiled insult then stop speaking to them there and then.

Oh yes I've had number 13. 'Lets meet on Friday' then they claim to forget they said it followed with 'sorry, you should have reminded me'

Oh NorthandSouth - that makes me so mad 😡 it's called 'negging' otherwise known as pathetic man who knows he's not good enough for you so he makes you feel insecure so you doubt your own self worth. Only a bastard does this.

They say their ex wife has 'mental health issues.' I met so many of those

Needy, jealous and possessive behaviour. This will be shown early on, do not ignore. Recognise it for what it is and back away as quickly as possible.

North that's commonly called 'negging'.

Basically a bloke will insult you to 'put you on the back foot' then immediately say something to make him look good. E.g. oooh, you dont support do you?! They're shit! Let me get you a drink and then I'll explain why thou1 should support .'

Not on the pull...funny way to start a conversation, free drink, brush him off, move on.
Looking for love....negging!

My parents, especially my dad, did I wonderful job talking to me about the warning signs of abusive men, and this was back in the early 80s when so much of this was never acknowledged or discussed. Sure enough, when I was 17, I was dating a boy and we had been seeing each other for about a month, and the red flags started flying. He got upset when I told him I was going out with friends one night and not him... He got angry when he saw me talking to a boy I had been friends with my entire life and wanted me to never speak to him again... the typical playbook. I recognised it and told him to fuck off. Bullet dodged. As a mum, I have talked to both of my kids (boy and girl) for years about red flags. Education is so important.

I'm following this thread to pick up some tips and red flags if that's ok.

Ooo I've never heard then term negging! I actually came across it in Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear when he describes it in action and warns readers to be wary. Since then I've noticed men doing it numerous times. I highly recommend the book for highlighting red flags. I'll have a look and list some more de Becker talks about.

Absolutely HC. I do think these threads are helpful.

There are articles on Negging. They are well worth reading and also explaining to our dds when the time comes.

Everyone should read The Gift of Fear. It should be required reading. Both of my kids have read it, too.

@lottieandmia

Our sons need this information every bit as much as our daughters. Being male does not mean they won't encounter an abusive relationship.

Okay, so a couple more of de Becker's tips -

• They don't take no for an answer.

If he won't take no for an answer, it's not because he's smitten. "Anybody who doesn't hear the word no is trying to control you. When a man says no, it is the end of a discussion. When a woman says no, it is the beginning of a negotiation," he says. "A woman who buckles there ... is likely to buckle again and again and again. And he learns when you say no you don't mean no."

• Him pushing the speed of the relationship

If you think you could be in a dangerous relationship, look back at when the other person began discussing marriage, moving in together and having children. "When the pace is accelerated like that in the beginning, that is itself a control strategy," he says. "And women feel uncomfortable and they'll tell you: 'Yeah, I felt it was a little bit fast, but what could I do? He loved me so much".

100% agree Aqua. It should be on the school curriculum.

Aqua - yes of course women can be abusive as well I agree. But negging is something invented by Pick up artists who are mostly male.

So when I mentioned the articles about negging I was specifically referring to that on its own iyswim

This is a really interesting thread and I hadn't thought about talking to my children about relationships like this (that I've been in in the past) but I will definitely talk to them about it when they are older!

North - absolutely spot on with those two. Last year I watched a friend get involved in a horrible relationship. He is one stealthy bastard and managed to infiltrate her entire life at a shockingly fast speed. he moved in, is living off her financially, reads all her text messages, won't allow her to go out without him. Fucking textbook and heartbreaking to watch.

Being rude or patronising towards someone they see as being from a lower social status, ie, waiters, taxi drivers, cleaners, shop assistants or call centre staff.

STBEX is v. good at all the above. I've had to grovel to several of my mother's carers, all lovely kind hard-working people, because he's been so rude to them (we lived with my late mum and employed extra help because she had dementia and was incontinent.) Lost count of the number of family meals out we had ruined by him getting stroppy with front of house staff for no good reason. And when he's in a bad mood, he'll ring up Amazon, or the bank with a complaint, and spend hours bullying and berating junior staff on the phone - because he can. And I really HATE it when he addresses a shop assistant as 'love', just because she's female. Gah.

Awesome list, and I agree about teaching it in schools.

Another thing I've noticed is that sometimes men who turn out to be complete shits are homophobic or racist. I think that comments that imply those traits (besides being icky in themselves) are early warning signs that they are sexist and will eventually treat a woman badly.

My theory is that when men are homophobic it is because they are afraid of being treated the way they treat women, and that they think, "only people with penises and my skin color are real people with feelings".

V. interesting remarks about 'negging' upthread. Have become totally conditioned to having totally reasonable, direct (polite and non-confrontational) requests completely ignored and completely contradicted, with no debate or explanation. If I ever query this decision-making process, I am 'insane', hysterical', or 'deliberately trying to wind him up'.

'Forced teaming' too - talking about the two of you like you're in the sam boat early on. De Becker says "In the case mentioned, the woman is having trouble getting groceries upstairs. A friendly man helps her and notices that among the groceries is cat food. "Come on," he says jovially, "looks like we've got a hungry cat upstairs!" And the woman, who's uncomfortable with the familiarity from a person she's never met, overrides her feelings (for fear of being rude) and allows him to help her upstairs and into her apartment — where she barely survives an attack."