Red flags thread - post yours here

[lottieandmia]

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.

1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.

1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.

1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.

1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)

1. Break ups were never their fault.

1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.

1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.

1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

10. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

11. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

12. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

Also I did say it's a combination of no friends, bad relationships with family and their work colleagues disliking them.

To be clear I have few friends but I am not constantly at loggerheads with others.

anger/temper issues
ignorance
racism/homophobic
drink/drugs/smokes
overly attached to smother

• when men tell you they are sooo complex and misunderstood or "will hurt you". They are basically giving themselves permission to be a dickhead because in their mind they warned you some shit.
• Rude to strangers or a short temper
• unkind to animals / don't see animals as having feelings
• overide you when you say no or disagree
• Chat shit about other women or their exs
• Claim they can't do basic things like cook or wash their clothes
• Spout views about women's appearances that go beyond having a preference e.g. Rather than saying 'I prefer shaved legs on a woman' they will say 'women who don't shave are disgusting'

Being jealous if you spend "too much" time with your DC...
Cruel comments disguised as jokes
Road rage
No real friendships or all his mates cheat/slag women off/steal/do lots of drugs
Hard one to spot but unwanted help or excessive gifts (=debt manufacturing/intrusive)
Regular sulks for bugger all reason
Telling you what to wear more or less directly
Obviously flirting with or admiring someone who's the opposite of you physically/related to you/works with you or him/will flirt right back
Future and past faking
Really slow at getting their wallet out (every time)
Too much too soon
Grandiose views about themselves and petty and judgemental about others
Sulks if doesn't get sex on tap

'You made me behave that way', 'You deserved me going silent on you for a week because you...didn't reply to my text straight away didn't want to get your photo taken didnt like the mushrooms I bought didnt think that article I wrote about toothpaste was as hilarious as I did (this list is endless, and was almost always bewildering).

In the end I realised lots of these manufactured silent treatments were to give him time to mess about with other people. He probably rotated three or four of us. One time, he admitted he spent about 2 hours texting me about a colleague and how amazing she was just to see how I'd react. That was the end. Luckily, I grabbed every gramme of self respect I could muster and blocked him.

Fucking hell, I wish this list was about a couple of years ago , every post could describe my ex down to a t. It's quite disturbing.

If someone has to sell themselves to you ie they are a good, nice, funny, faithful etc person chances are they are the opposite.

Thank you for posting this I'm going to speak about red flags in relationships to my children don't know why I hadn't thought of doing it before!

A few of mine:

• Trying to make me choose them over my friends or children and sulking when I put them first,
• Saying 'you don't care about me' when he didn't get his way
• Expecting me to be hugely sympathetic about his 'issues' but when I had issues labelling me as insecure or neurotic
• Criticising any extravagance ..... being miserly about money
• Staring at women when you're out
• Criticising how you're dressed

Next one....their heartache is worse than totes. No matter what.

• Constantly finds fault with your friends and suggests you are too good for them ... often the first step of their isolation campaign

• snoops through your things, your bag, your phone, your browser history etc

• always demanding explanations from you, about why you went out, why you didn't answer your phone, why you smiled at the postman etc

• discourages you from hobbies, outings, jobs, friendships, travel, or anything you do without him.

• any disagreement/quarrel escalates into a break-up event, only to be followed by a weepy reconciliation and period of lovey-dovey bliss -- until next week, when the next argument happens and the cycle begins anew.

• the sense that you are walking on eggshells all the time

I also think men who belittle your previous relationships are dodgy. I dated someone like this - it really annoyed me. Every other man I had been with was using me for sex according to him. He thought I was beautiful but any other man who said it was trying to get something from me.

Excessive jealously from the very start. We've all had a past!

Feeling confused in the face of their logic/argument like you can see their point of view but they can't see yours at all so you think you are possibly in the wrong/have hurt them and end up apologising.

Them completely over-reacting to you doing something ordinary, like a night out with friends, and them accusing you of being selfish/thoughtless and then turning it around to saying they only wanted to spend more time with you...

Them over-reacting to anything really.

Claiming rights on you in early stages/Assigning themselves more importance than people you've known for years. E.g. You always visit your parents on Sunday, they insist they can only see you on Sunday. You always go to see your godmother on her birthday, they don't want you to go because they'll miss you/worried about you being too tired to drive/anything they can think of to stop you.

They criticise your friends/family. Often initially done in the guise of these people not being good enough for you/are using you/don't put as much into the relationship as you do. Sometimes just plain and nasty personal comments. Of course is quite possible you are surrounded by users but everyone?

Will cast doubt on your personal preferences. Anything from choice of TV to friends to personal appearance.

Your clothes don't suit you. Admiring clothes/dress sense of other women.

All their exes hate them and have blocked them. Fine not to be in touch, but if each and every one of your bf's exes hate him - such a red flag. Wish I had put 2 and 2 together!

Blatant place marking

Can't leave his phucking phone alone for two minutes

One guy I was dating had moved abroad with his wife and she left him a year later & refused to go back. He was completely unable to accept that the failure of a relationship takes two people. Apparently he couldn't possibly have done anything wrong because he bought her everything she wanted.

He put all his insecurities about the ending of that relationship onto me and expected to provide him with some sort of guarantee that the relationship would work.

No friends, no family, wanting to do everything alone. Cruelty to animals, unkindness towards ex partner/mother/sister/women in general. Expecting you to fill the breach.

Telling you that exclusivity is a deal breaker and they will only accept a monogamous relationship. (On your part. Then they go fuck anything in a 10 mile radius.)

Great thread!

forced early intimacy - yes
criticising all your friends to alienate you from them, then eventually your family.
Telling you that without them you'd be a mess.
Saying they rescued you from being a mess and you owe them (when you're the together one who has always worked, had a place, had friends etc)
always offended about any little thing ('I know you're doing that specially to annoy me' - this was how I loaded the dishwasher)
frequent weeks of sulking, no speaking
everything is about them
paranoid suspicions - if you don't want them you're frigid, a lesbian, having an affair - when actually you just don't like them anymore!
becoming almost violent and at best completely ignoring your crying if you're sad - but when you want to leave them, the tears come a-plenty and you're supposed to drop everything to make them better (by climbing back into their prison)
Sulking at no sex on tap as others have said
Never ever saying anything nice
But always finding things to criticise - especially of driving and car care haha

Brilliant that you've spoken to your children about red flags and possessiveness. I'll pinch that idea.

Talking about themselves all of the time...

Painting themselves in positive light... virtually every conversation.

• How do his family behave? Do they let themselves in without knocking? Do his housework? Demand a lot of attention? Anything else weird or uncomfortable? Notice his mum in particular. Does she have boundary issues? Is she rude to you? If yes and no one's picking her up on it, you've got a major problem. Leave.

• Does he keep a clean home? Does he have a toilet brush and use it? Does he get that these things need doing? If not, this and everything else 'housework' could be your job forever more! Leave.

• Does he cook and eat properly? If not, do you want to do all that, every day, for both of you and probably kids and guests? If no, leave.

• Does he drink and drive? (You shouldn't need to talk about it with him, it's obvious.) If yes, leave.

• How is he about using condoms? This should be obvious and natural to him in the beginning. If he moans or resists in any way, leave. (Mem: This will be an ongoing issue for as long as you're together.)

• Does he have any substantial debt, other than a normal mortgage? Has he remortgaged to cover other debt? Is he managing well financially? If not, leave.

• How do you feel about introducing him to friends and family? If you find yourself avoiding it, say, because you're embarrassed by his behaviour, this is a sign that you are in danger of becoming isolated from other people. Don't underestimate the significance of this to your life. Leave.

• Does he fart or nose pick openly? (See above.) Leave.

• Does he have his own home? If he's a grown man (say, 30+) and still dependant on his family or friends for cheap housing (eg. in one room or sleeping on a sofa), leave. (You can waste years setting up men like this. Don't do it.)

• Have you caught him lying to you about anything significant? He's a liar. Leave.

• How does he feel about women? Are his stories full of hatred and distrust, or respect? If it's not respect, leave.

• Does he get unreasonably angry when driving or if someone bumps into him in a shop? What if you were to spill a drink on his carpet or clothes? If he gets angry in these situations, leave.

• Is he kind to animals? If not, leave.

• Does he already have a child or children he doesn't see or pay for? That's exactly how it will be with your children. Leave.

• Do you ever feel at all repulsed by him? Leave.

• Does he have a lot of female friends and do you feel there are boundary issues? Eg. hand-holding, massage and/or any nakedness? Leave. (Re. massage: professional massage on a therapy couch in a dedicated therapy room may be OK. A freebie on his/her bed is not OK.)

• Is he polite? Does he keep his phone on during meals out? If he's always attached to his phone, leave.

• Does he care about your safety when you're out at night? At the least, he should walk you to your car or see you into a taxi. If not, leave.

• When it comes to personal and sexual intimacy, do you feel free to go at your own pace? If you want to go slower than him but you are feeling rushed by him, leave.

• Values. Work out what's important to you in a relationship and ask him too. Eg. if you want kids and he absolutely doesn't, leave.

• Generally speaking, do you feel relaxed and happy with him? If not, leave.