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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flags thread - post yours here

180 replies

lottieandmia · 17/09/2017 22:58

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

  1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.
  1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.
  1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.
  1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.
  1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)
  1. Break ups were never their fault.
  1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.
  1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.
  1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

  1. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

  2. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

  3. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

OP posts:
MissyTB · 21/09/2017 13:14

Not accepting "no"

Making you do trivial jobs for them even though they could do it themselves but they see it as beneath them so ask you to do it

SeaEagleFeather · 21/09/2017 13:40

Interesting and valuable list of Red Flags, cats

Do you have a list of Green Flags? eg "kind to animals when he doesn't realise he's being observed"

Autumnskiesarelovely · 21/09/2017 14:19

Useful thread!

  1. responding badly to stress. It's a good idea see how someone responds to stress or you could test by disagreeing with his opinion. Then see how he reacts. Is it rage? Aggression? If something happens but it's his fault, does he own it? Or blame everyone else?
  2. I've told my teenage son to be wary of women when he's older who have no job or interests - or who get daddy to sort out their lives excessively. They'll depend on him to do the same.
  3. Being too good to be true, charming and very flirtatious. I always fall for this, only to watch them use their charm on others when they got bored of me!
  4. Not being a grown up - no job, or insecure, all over the place, living like a student. All signs that there is some growing up to finish, and will it ever happen? O.k while just having fun, not so ok when juggling a family.
SendintheArdwolves · 21/09/2017 14:49

If you find yourself unwilling to tell your friends about how the relationship really is, that for me is a huge red flag - you might find that you leave bits out, make excuses for him or don't mention small things he's done because "they might get the wrong idea about him". Chances are they would get exactly the right idea.

CatsOclock · 21/09/2017 15:01

Thanks SeaEagle. No, I don't have a list of Green Flags, funnily enough. As a person, I'm def more of a thinking positively, 'moving towards what I want' person, but I think that's partly why I can think of a red flag list now. When I was younger, it used to be far too easy for me to overlook them, in favour of being positive and frankly, naive. I hope others can learn from my experiences.

yetmorecrap · 21/09/2017 15:12

That's some list Catsmight mean that maybe in every 100 guys 5 get the green light especially when it comes to farting --LOL! Would you say the same in reverse too if women exhbit these traits as I know a fair few women with very over enthusiastic /interfering mothers.

CatsOclock · 21/09/2017 18:32

yet I know it reads quite full on but that's deliberate. Life's short and you never get the time back and the women who might benefit from lists like this, need to hear it straight ime. Obviously, it's important to use your own, personal discretion too. Please discard it if it's not helpful.

Original poster
lottieandmia · 21/09/2017 19:04

Cats - I don't agree with all of yours, for example done people rely on their parents if disabled in some way. I'd say some of your list is more incompatibility than red flags for an abuser tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieandmia · 21/09/2017 19:04

Some *

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 21/09/2017 19:49

well, sometimes there's legitimate reason for what appears on the surface to be red flag behaviour but actually isn't, such as disability and relying on parents.

but as a rule I think cat's tips are spot on. The number of men who expect you to clean and cook even when you're living together - ! again, if you are a SAHP and he works - then ok there's a reason. But even so, attitude is important. Does he take it for granted or does he appreciate the house/wifework you do?

Original poster
lottieandmia · 21/09/2017 20:42

But not wanting children isn't really a red flag is it? It's a compatibility issue.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 21/09/2017 21:14

Agreed over the children, but the point made was clearly that it was about shared values. All the rest were red flags, except the very last one about feeling relaxed with him (also a compatibility issue)

newtlover · 21/09/2017 21:35

'treats me like a princess'
when I hear that from a woman I am worried

but a green flag list would be nice too!

tigercub50 · 21/09/2017 23:57

If I look back there were a few red flags with DH & I did have some years of what could be described as abuse but things can change & now I know I married a good man who behaved badly.

tigercub50 · 22/09/2017 00:08

And I wouldn't worry about farting - we have so much fun with that!!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 22/09/2017 07:02

The problem I guess is that although people occasionally do change, for the most part they never will. I certainly don't need the stress of trying to help someone see their abusive ways when I'm in my 30s and have children who need a good role model.

OP posts:
Lovedlost · 22/09/2017 09:06

Telling you that other women keep eyeing them up/ trying to crack onto them. Sometimes when you are actually WITH them, and you have not noticed any such behaviour.
Then telling you how awful and uncomfortable it made them, because they are committed to you. Right.........Hmm
They are trying to make you think that you have obviously snagged a golden cock, and must up your game to keep it.

Oh, and telling you about their very adventurous/weird sex life with exes. Upon observing your unimpressed response, advising that the 'mad ex' coerced him into it, and he hated it all along.
Bonus points if he has also told his Dad the intimate details of that sex life for 'lad points'.
ShockShock

Original poster
lottieandmia · 22/09/2017 09:33

Lovedlost - omg my ex did that to me. Subtly trying to make me feel insecure. Apparently there were women at work constantly showing an interest in him. I told him thank you very much but I know what you're up to and I'm good enough to not be compared to any other woman. He responded with 'who the hell do you think you are, Shakira?' 😂😂

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 22/09/2017 09:59

lol, what a charmer !

PastryOnMyMind · 22/09/2017 10:07

they poke and prod you or make weird noises or generally act like an attention deprived 8 year old, and when you ask them to stop they carry on, until you lose the plot and then suddenly it's all your fault for over reacting even though you've spent the last hour being wound up by a manchild

they have lived at home for a good chunk of their adult life, and have no idea how a washing machine, dishwasher, iron or dryer works

their cooking skills extend to nuggets and chips.

they leave their bowls, plates, dirty clothes, wrappers around for somebody else to pick up.

their still getting driven around, almost like a school run by their elderly parents even though they're pushing 30.

they expect you to cook, clean, raise children and run their life, because they work. even though they only work 2 days a week

spends more time on game console than with family

throws a house party at their elderly parents house at the age of 27 when he's lived away for over 2 years, thinks every one is over reacting to be furious with him when he was found still drinking at 7am with various people strewn across the floor. made other people clean it up as he went to bed....

can you tell I'm bitter? those are my red flags anyway. there's more but my phone is dying!!

EllaHen · 22/09/2017 10:17

Sending flowers to my work early on. I actually really hated it but didn't follow my instincts. It felt to fucking intrusive, like he was declaring ownership. Of course, all the women in the office (a school) thought he must be lovely.

Telling me that his friend had rated me a '7 out of 10' but he thought I was more an '8 or 9'. Fucking hell - why didn't I walk away at this point?

Being astonished that I saw myself as a 'funny' person. He told me he was funnier than me. We actually had a disagreement about this.

Looking back, everything he did was to decrease my self esteem and confidence. The best thing he ever did was dump me - via text. Oh, and he was an ex cop.

overnightangel · 22/09/2017 13:02

"I'm following this thread to pick up some tips and red flags if that's ok."

Ditto!

Original poster
lottieandmia · 22/09/2017 18:18

Bump

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2017 19:02

'Talking about themselves all of the time...

Painting themselves in positive light... virtually every conversation.
'
This. Then he negged me at every turn to try to bring me down, told me about ex's who was hot (but told me not to talk about any of mine)

PricklyBall · 22/09/2017 19:12

I wish I'd had mumsnet when I was young.

"Oh, and telling you about their very adventurous/weird sex life with exes. Upon observing your unimpressed response, advising that the 'mad ex' coerced him into it, and he hated it all along." This was my ex! And the "his ex girlfriend was mad, and when he tried to break up with her, went ape-shit, so he had to keep sleeping with her even though he didn't want to".