Red flags thread - post yours here

[lottieandmia]

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.

1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.

1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.

1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.

1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)

1. Break ups were never their fault.

1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.

1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.

1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

10. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

11. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

12. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

oh I was lovebombed by my last boyfriend - loads of dates, had to see me the whole time, constant messaging, told me he loved me really early, bought me expensive gifts, talked about moving in/having kids/holidays etc really early. I was just swept away. He was both controlling and probably a narcissist. I was dumped in the cruellest way possible.

That alone was a massive red flag, but there were others too - like his lack of friends. He was also excessively charming. My friends didn't like him though, I should have listened to them a bit I think.

I am really careful now about early declarations of love - my current boyfriend has told me he loves me (4 months in!) and I'm like "whoah".

jeeze SevenStones. You've lived in hell, havent you. Wishing you a steady recovery.

People speak very highly of the Freedom Programme. Please give it a try

Oh, just thought of another one:

When someone repeatedly describes them self as “nice” and complain that women only go for “bad guys” upon rejection.

arousingcheer Your ex sounds like my ex.

Yes to so many of these. I wish I'd read them before I got married.

Another one: him claiming to be 'emasculated' by you doing things. e.g. my ex said it was 'emasculating' that I had a good job and was doing better academically than he was.

Yes absolutely to them feeling emasculated by a woman with intelligence and career perceived as higher status than theirs.

Another red flag that your money isnt important pointing it out as pocket money or for you to buy pretty dresses with (pin money)

SevenStones
I am so sorry you have had to go through all that.
I understand what you mean about not ever really getting over it all.
I also wish Mumsnet had been around for us years ago!

I hope you feel better as each day passes

Would never hit a woman apoarently but noone is ever going to stand in his way and how he would kill

Or is this what people normally do; I dont know anymore!

Showcasing his weaponry (not a euphamism that too )

Nope, really not normal smother. One to run from.

Thanks @seaeaglefeather and @butterfly56

I'm moving towards going on the Freedom Programme. :)

I haven’t fully read every post on this thread but I wanted to add;

• Making you feel bad for seeing friends of family
• Making you feel bad for putting your DC’s or yourself first (before them) in higherachy of general importance
• Damaging your self confidence with nasty or manipulative comments regarding your looks aesthetically or your chosen attire
• Giving you “dirty” looks when you aren’t looking or if they don’t think you will see them doing it
• Bad mouthing people or slagging people off all the time in a nasty way or slagging off their EXP
• Racist behaviour
• Homophobic slurs
• Bossy and egotistical

Sorry spelling mistake in my PP, that was meant to say friends or Family, not of.

Any one who puts ??????? during a text conversation if you haven't replied for a few minutes.

Consequences intimated physicallly or voiced threays that cause fear of harm or talk of harm thwy'be done ti others so you know how far they wld go

Oops..again but without all the typos!

Consequences intimated physicallly or voiced threats that cause fear of harm or talk of harm they've done to others so you know how far they wld go
Goading
Creating rows out of thin air unexpectedly and violently without any intent to converse.

Gaslighting

I was once given the this absolute gem " women are just snakes with tits " 😂

I wish I’d known all this as a young woman finding my way. It’s so sad that these lists only become written due to people’s direct experiences.

I wish we could teach young women (& men) this stuff. It’s vital. I’ve wasted most of my life learning this stuff.

Imagine if the next generation didn’t waste decades of their lives and their wellbeing... that would’ve a wonderful world.

Refusing to see another point of view. Only theirs matters. To the point of sending you links to why they are "right" for hours/days afterwards. It's so controlling.

Whinging for sex/sexual contact. Groping in public.

The words ".... my ex did it/liked it...."

Hating all your friends for totally ridiculous reasons especially if he doesn't even know them.

Trying to make you "closer together than ever" after a huge argument. So unprotected sex in order to conceive a baby you hadn't spoken about trying for before.

Oh also not only hating your friends but attempting to convince you they don't really like you. Anyone who tells you that other people especially your friends and family don't really like you and never have is someone you need to get the fuck away from.

Telling you who they are. 'I'm very passionate/kind/selfless/exciting/charming etc.'

I have come across this in friendships. Whenever I became friends with someone who said something similar in the beginning, they ended up to be a. the complete opposite b. a nasty piece of work in general.

They hate Christmas with a passion

That's not a red flag, some people do hate Christmas, and a percentage of those will be abusive, but it's not on the same level as negging, for example.

Just come across this and wanted to add on a few points.
Mine are- any sort of racist or homophobic comments.
All the exes are crazy and/or bitches.
Bad temper-flies into a rage over little things, insults you.
Any form of violence towards you, even just once. Leave.
Sending you more texts if you do not reply immediately.
Guilt-tripping you if you spend time with family or friends.
Works but lives rent-free with family.
Makes fun of you but labels you as sensitive if you don't like it.
Gets angry if you have a haircut or clothes he doesn't like (different from having preferences).
Able to make out that everything is your fault.
Manipulative and gaslights you.
Has fallen out with a lot of people.
Pressures you to do certain things sexually and gets angry if you can't/won't.
Always saying how other women fancy him.
Lets you pay for most things.
Constantly out on boozy nights out with the lads- you are never invited anywhere.
Declaring love after a couple of dates.
Ultimatums- "it's your friends or me".

• Silent treatment
• Triangulation - subtly bringing other women/female friends/women who allegedly fancy them etc into the convo
• skinflint - I dont mean someone good with money but someone who is obsessively looking for the best deal/way to pay less than the odds. It tends to reflect their emotional lives. Me and some pals determined a good early question 'How do you shop?'. We discovered our worst exes had shopping traits that matched their dating traits.
• you occasionally have a bad feeling about them. I think of them all this is the one I'd turn to. If you paper over things they do to your mates, or something they do doesnt make you feel good, listen to that
• their actions dont match their words.
• hot and cold behaviour

-sob stories. E.g. after an argument/they fucked up/misunderstanding suddenly you're not talking about that situation because they're referring to some dreadful thing that happened to them in the past and you're saying 'there there' instead of holding them accountable

@Awoof good call! It's in de Becker's 'gift of fear' - an unsolicited promise is not a guarantee of anything it's used to convince you of something. My fave on the dating scene is the unsolicited 'I'm not a player' apropos of nothing