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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red flags thread - post yours here

180 replies

lottieandmia · 17/09/2017 22:58

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

  1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.
  1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.
  1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.
  1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.
  1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)
  1. Break ups were never their fault.
  1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.
  1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.
  1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.
  1. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

  2. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

  3. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 22/09/2017 19:52

Making everything about themselves, as if everyone else exists as a backdrop to them.

I remember by brother retelling the story of the birth of his son. His poor girlfriend had to have an emergency c-section, she almost died, it was horrific. He tells this story in a weird, almost humourous way all about how hard it was for him because of the blood, and because he was so tired he almost fainted...theres not even a hint of concern for his son or girlfriend in the story, and he even told it whilst she was in the room.

She left him eventually thank god. Now he uses his son, who he doesn't pay maintenance for, as a prop.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2017 20:21

He was very concerned with other people getting more than he thought he was entitled to and people 'earning their keep'. He posted a huge diatribe about people who worked on trains going on strike and how it was money for nothing and he'd worked harder to 'earn his crust' and they didn't deserve more pay. He referred to female flight attendants as 'trolley dollies', sneering at their work. Went mental at a KFC employee when there were no napkins when his mate pointed out the low pay such people get 'I've worked for less!' He was all about women working FT, and doing all the housework, too, because that's a sign of being 'house proud'.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2017 20:34

Oh, admissions of treating women badly in the past. They don't change. You're next.

SuperSkyRocketing · 22/09/2017 20:54

Could we make this thread into a book and teach it at schools?

I don't need to mention any of my red flags because they've all already been talked about. Before I experienced an abusive relationship I had no idea that these red flags even existed. Now I can spot them a mile off. You see some of these red flags in every abusive relationship described on MN, surely awareness is key?

expatinscotland · 22/09/2017 21:21

Groping, too much PDA, grabbing you from behind or whilst you're trying to do something because 'they love you', just can't resist, you're so cute, sexy, etc. It's like a dog showing other dogs that you are his territory.

SummerSun1234 · 26/09/2017 14:16

Best one I ever heard is a guy who keeps reassuring you or telling you not to worry. Especially if you've not expressed any concern. You absolutely should be worried! A genuine guy wouldn't need to constantly reassure you that he's nice/safe etc. It wouldn't even occur to him. If he's always trying to reassure or tell u not to worry then he is trying to cover something up and make you doubt your instincts.

Fernanie · 26/09/2017 14:29

Don't know how I overlookee this one at the time: Their own friends who've known them since childhood warn you that they're bad news. Facepalm.

magentastights · 26/09/2017 14:32

Stumbled across this post accidentally.
Noticing a lot of these traits in someone I’ve been seeing for 4/5 weeks.
Mainly the complete and utter besottedness he had at the beginning - now he’s saying “we have to take it slow, we’ve only met twice”
Very sexually confident
Quite pushy
Has anyone else had alarm bells ringing after reading this post?
Or can we put some of this behaviour down to human nature and individual personalities?

Surely there’s some decent ones out there xxx

SeaEagleFeather · 26/09/2017 14:37

There are, magenta, there are =) (I sometimes think they're the ones who are slightly less scintillating though. Less sparks and more stability)

I wouldnt invest much in this particular man though from what you've said. Try backing off and see what happens. If he's suddenly ultra keen again, then it's a no go

lottieandmia · 26/09/2017 18:51

Sexually pushy is never good. In a healthy relationship nobody is coercing the other.

Pushing a sexual agenda amounts to sexual abuse. I've had this happen to me. He was trying to make me do a position I found uncomfortable. I said no and he kept trying to make me. Then he started saying he was really adventurous in bed and I was just boring. Although he never even attempted to give me oral sex - funny that Hmm

OP posts:
magentastights · 26/09/2017 19:26

I think he just wants me to like what he does as he’s so keen. He’s apologised tonight

SummerSun1234 · 26/09/2017 20:56

Magenta I think if this thread reminds you of him you should probably run for the hills! I'm. It convinced by his apology. try disagreeing with him about something else. E.g. plan to go to the cinema and when he suggests a film say you don't want to see that one. See how he reacts. Try a few different things. Check he hears the word 'no' and understands it. Is he pushy about other things?

SeaEagleFeather · 26/09/2017 22:30

I think he just wants me to like what he does as he’s so keen.

Pushy is shit. Go for a man with self-control and sensitivity to -you-

tiggersdontlikehoney · 27/09/2017 15:21

Has anyone on here read this:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0747538352/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=A1179QB3UI4TV4&psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

He has done a talk:

One of the things he really emphasises is that your no should be no.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 11/10/2017 00:53

Bump

JeNeSuisPasVotreMiel · 11/10/2017 01:06

A man who doesn't get on with his parents.
Also a man who has a very close relationship with his mother.

I've been with both types and both are a nightmare.

LilyMcClellan · 11/10/2017 01:49
  • Making unnecessary judgemental comments about strangers, eg "God, look at that woman over there, who would leave the house wearing something like that?"
  • Ignoring events that people in relationships normally acknowledge and waving it off afterwards. "Nah, I don't do Valentine's Day/birthdays/anniversaries. Can't be bothered with that commercial crap."
  • Admitting having an STD only after sleeping with you.
  • Wanting to know details about your sexual history.
  • Not making a clear priority of your sexual pleasure.
  • Making suggestions for you to "improve" yourself framed as compliments. "You have a really pretty face, you could be an absolute stunner if you lost just a bit of weight."
mathamerry · 11/10/2017 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

arousingcheer · 11/10/2017 03:06

My ex had to be right about anything/everything, even the kind of low-value trivial bullshit that no one would ever give a second thought.

We were having an offhand small-talk conversation about an old film and ex names an actor as the lead whose father was actually in the film. I say Oh you mean Kirk Douglas. No he insists, it was Michael Douglas. I'm still thinking this is one of those things where you've got the names the wrong way round - easily done - and anyway who gives af? But he insists, he is absolutely committed even in the face of it being implausible. I say was Michael Douglas alive when the film was made? I shit you not, we were walking in Charing Cross Road and stopped in a bookshop (pre-smartphone era) to look it up so he could prove to me that he was yup, wrong right.

If it had been the other way around and I (or anyone normal) had made the flub I would've said, Hmm, maybe I've got them muddled up and not given it a second thought. But it was his absolute commitment to his statement, his total insistence that he was right and I was wrong that gave me pause. I used to carry on having the conversation, thinking we were trying to find common ground, not realising that the die had been cast and we were not going to end up in friendly agreement, it was all about him being right and me accepting I was wrong. It was bonkers.

You couldn't ever have one of those meandering speculative discussions about whether or not vodka is made with potatoes or if a partly-cloudy forecast is different or the same as a partly-sunny forecast because he would come down on one side or the other and his reasoning would involve telling me where I had made the wrong assumption or how my logic was otherwise flawed.

Re-reading this I feel I haven't explained it well, but it was like both of us were looking at something black, with a label on it that says 'BLACK' and he was telling me not only that it was white but that the label says 'white' too, and I was reading it wrong.

WesternMeadowlark · 11/10/2017 03:25

I know exactly what you mean, arousingcheer.

I don't know whether it's completely the same thing, but at least it often seems to coexist with the need to "win" all the time. Which is a massive red flag.

Relationships aren't about winning, they're about co-operation to make everyone involved as happy as possible. Anyone who can't restrict their competitiveness to the areas of their life where it's appropriate is going to be a nightmare.

Total appeasement and avoidance of any conflict however small isn't good either, of course. One of the most abusive people I've ever been involved with saw himself as "socially anxious".

Whether he was or not is debatable, but the idea that all other human beings were "the enemy" and a constant threat had bled into everything about how he saw the world and other people, including those who were kind to him.

So I'd run a mile from anyone who seems to feel unable to disagree with me on anything, these days. Best case scenario: they're not abusive, I just intimidate them, in which case we're not well-suited anyway.

smotheroffive · 11/10/2017 03:47

The winning thing! that length of relationship with him is continually compared with previous like some sort of sick race.

Early flag - sex pest.

smotheroffive · 11/10/2017 04:38

Making random comments about other men to make themselves look like the good guy - how could any guy with female family ever hit a woman?

Not only a ridiculous thing to say but very projectionist!

Shayelle · 11/10/2017 07:55

Contradicting and /or arguing with EVERYTHING you say, do or think. Wears you down!

Shayelle · 11/10/2017 07:56

Not encouraging or supporting you with anything ever, just puts you down!
Constant fucking moodiness. FUCK OFF!!

SeaEagleFeather · 11/10/2017 08:01

Contradicting and /or arguing with EVERYTHING you say, do or think. Wears you down!

God yes.