Red flags thread - post yours here

[lottieandmia]

I've spend a good amount of time working on what I will no longer put up with in relationships /dating & it's still a work in progress but I have managed to help myself by immediately blocking someone who has red flags (I have to be stricter than most people because of being on the spectrum I naive)

1. They ask you to do something which you say no to. But they won't accept no and keep nagging.

1. Constantly on dating sites. Constantly. There are many reasons why these people should be avoided not least because when they actually find someone they still keep looking.

1. Ignore your messages / don't text back. Nobody is too busy to text you back.

1. Look at their Twitter - the people they follow can be quite revealing. If they follow people like Hugh Hefner it's a bad sign.

1. They've never had a relationship. The older they are the worse this is. (Not always but generally)

1. Break ups were never their fault.

1. They call women 'sluts' & other misogynist terminology.

1. They put photos of themselves on Facebook and blank out other people. Unless this is a child this is odd and suggests they see other people as props in their life.

1. They tell you they don't know exactly what they're looking for.

10. They don't have many friends AND constantly fall out with the friends they do have and work colleagues and family (individually no but altogether = red flag)

11. They have a child they either don't see or don't pay child maintenance for.

12. You go for dinner and they ignore your wishes to split the bill, or they tell you what you're having.

I'm sure there are more...

Making every illness you have about them.

'Helping' you out around the house, then being a martyr about it

Telling you they don't like your clothes, your hair or your hobbies.

Telling you that you aren't allowed to do stuff.

Giving you ultimatums.

Telling you who they are. 'I'm very passionate/kind/selfless/exciting/charming etc.' Normal people don't describe their own personality traits, they leave it to others to discover them.

Great thread idea op. These come up regularly but it's always good to have a "one running currently" to refresh everyone and to "spread the word" .

It's also good not to "rest on ones laurels" - I'd say I'm quite confident at filtering out BS but also sometimes that makes me vulnerable to bad behaviour like "I'm streetwise so I can handle this and I don't want to admit this is a fuck up "

1. Overfamiliarity, pushing boundaries, trying to get into your personal space (physical/ sexual/ social) too soon.

1. Victimy/Guilt tripping/passive aggressiveness: he's got social anxiety, depression, his kids won't see him. Oh, bless so now the job of every woman whose been on three dates is to "reward" him for his "honesty" and "vulnerability" by giving up her own life for him

1. TELLING me (and others) what I'm like even if they don't know me at all? Bullies use words like "quirky" "loner" and "eccentric" to "define" people so that their target then is put into a certain role (as defined by THEM) Apparently I'm "unusual" and "need social advice" . Oh really

1. Also early signs of gas lighting/ lying for no reason? Or setting up a dialogue/ narrative which has no relation to reality? (But subtly, so it's hard to call out? )

I've been "casually dating" for a few years now, using online dating (probably I subconsciously attach lower standards if I know something's got a "shelf life") and after current work contract over I'm now ready to invite higher value interactions in?

I actually think that I'm going to manage these by keeping it to coffee/lunch/cinema weekly for a few months before anything else happens?

I have more to lose now in terms of having a life I value, and I want to date the calibre of guy who isn't desperate and has "things to lose" and values himself and his life enough not to want to just "jump into" something? Not someone who has been trawling internet dating sites endlessly and getting into a new low value liaison every three weeks.

I'm pretty passionate and sexual so I like drunken dinners and early sex normally but I think this doesn't give adequate filters and also I think it gives "false intimacy" too soon?

Future faking/Insincerity. My latest ex was all I love you, FB relationshipy after a few weeks. I knew it felt wrong so backed off, I knew he was full off shit so was like pfff think I'm falling for your shit matey.

That was the pattern of our whole relationship, me going feck off ya wee cunt, him weaseling his way back in (eroding boundaries slowly) until suddenly I was totally besotted with him been such a painful process, but there was at least some rational part of me that kept pushing back, even now I wonder if I had it all wrong. i didn't he's a solid gold fucknugget

He also told himself (and me) "stories" about himself, that tbh I think even he believed (despite later evidence to the contrary).

Compulsive liar, said he had Asperger's, don't even know if that is true tbh.

Negging yup

Id add painting themselves as the golden/favoured employee at work regardless of truth. Expecting special allowances or treatment, being well in with the boss. Yeah yeah, chinny reckon, they barely fucking tolerate you knobber.

Oh yes I had an ex date who used to say how wonderful his reputation at work was. 'They know how good I am'. The funniest crap this guy came out with was that he was genuinely disappointed in himself that he had not become the prime minister 😂.

Yes to people telling you who they are. Someone who claims to be a socialist but tells nasty, bigoted jokes.

at prime minister comment.

There's always a job they're "going" to get, there's always a night out, but only after the bills or the kids are paid for, it's all very Del Boy "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" (but in the meantime I won't contribute and will expect every interaction to be "last minute Netflix and chill and you're hosting" )

Although similarly the "Uriah heep" type going on about how humble and poor they are is a bit red flaggy?

That's why I think I'm moving towards "more just low level social interacting" before getting more intimate - I think seeing how someone conducts themselves just doing the "pay for half normal social stuff with no expectation of sex" routine is a good "tell".

For me one of the biggest red flags is if they're rude to restaurant or shop staff especially when combined with lots of eye rolls and huffing when said member of staff has gone to do what they wanted them to do. This says a lot to me about how they see and treat people and I will not be romantically involved or friends with anyone who does this.

Should have known my ex was a wrong un when it became clear that every break up he had ever had (including one that involved him strong arming a woman into an abortion) wasn't his fault in any way and in fact he had been the victim several times of "evil wimmins"

Needless to say I'm sure he's still telling the same stories but I'm now one of the horrible ladies on the list who have fucked him over.

1. Driving. Something about it is disinhibiting. My ex was always scrupulously polite to waiters/shop staff but get him in a car and his true self came out. If they get road rage, ignore you when you ask them to slow down/get off their phone, or everything is always someone else's fault, watch out.
2. Saying they 'help' you with the housework and shopping. Unless you're at home full time, why is it 'helpful' for him to buy food he will eat or clean the house he lives in?
3. Pushing for early commitment. This one has been covered above, but worth reiterating. If he tells you he loves you in a matter of weeks, it usually means he's fallen for a person he's made up in his head and will be cross when you turn out not to be her.
4. You will usually get one little sign quite early on, and dismiss it, because everything else seems perfect. Three months in, mine exploded when I went to a cash point that charged £1.75 to withdraw because I was meant to be saving up to move to another country with him. Then he went back to normal. Three months later, when I was in that country, these explosions became part of daily life.
5. Sounds obvious but amazing how many people ignore it: if he's with someone else when you get together, it probably won't end well. I'm sure there are exceptions, but more often than not affairs speak of extreme entitlement. This is how he'll treat you further down the line.
6. Watch how he handles conflict. Everyone argues but it's how you respond to conflict that matters. Does he sulk and strop afterwards so you're forced to apologise, even if you weren't in the wrong? Does he use it as an excuse to hurl insults at you and bring up irrelevant stuff from ages ago just to 'win'? Does he refuse to apologise, engage with any discussion about what happened afterwards or 'forget' things he said minutes earlier? Do you reach an agreement only for him to renege on it days/hours later?

Definitely not taking no for answer.
Also wanting you to commit to them straightaway rather than taking things slowly.
Any sign of racism or homophobia.
When he paints his ex out to be the wicked witch of the west and him as the innocent party.
Phoning you 3 times in one day, they aren't doing it out of concern, it's checking up on you and a sign they don't trust you. But at the same time they are probably seeing someone else.
They don't smile properly, they sneer or in the case of someone I dated, they constantly had a false smile on their face.
If they have a look of fire or an icy gaze. It could be a sign of worse to come.

Invading your personal space.
Insisting on accompanying you to places when you go out with friends. I could never have time alone with my female friends when my exes were around.
Loses his temper and blames it on you/something that happened in his childhood/past.
If they are banned from driving. My ex had a ban from drink driving and dangerous driving.
They insist on having unprotected sex so they can get you pregnant and dependent on them.
They ignore or violate your boundaries in any way.

Too intense too soon. I know it's been mentioned already but it really is a HUGE red flag.

I just thought of another one - they become irrationally angry about any perceived slight towards them (however small even something like pronouncing their name wrong) whether it's you or someone else.

They kick objects, throw things and break stuff when angry.

My husband did stuff in the first couple of years that i love back now amd think why didnt i leave. I dont know what to do know. Alsothe phoning thing he does that when i go to my parents

1. Kept talking about woman at work.

1. Obsessed with phone/changed pin.

1. Was completely disinterested in me and the kids.

1. Lost weight/being clean

These are mine, all based on more years than I should have spent with lying, cheating, thieving rat bags.

• Telling me they don't lie or they're a terrible liar
• Having no real friends, or only one friend, who is of the opposite sex
• or, they have friends but never want to introduce you
• Having a difficult relationship with their mother
• All their exes are 'mental'
• They hate Christmas with a passion
• Smoking and/or drinking too much
• Not being bothered to make plans for dates; 'I'm just going to wing it'
• Refusing to do a job that they feel is demeaning but quite happy to let someone else support them until a job they want to do comes along
• Rudeness to waiters etc
• Not knowing or caring what's important to their partner
• making plans for the future together; 'Well I'll be doing this, this or this

great thread OP
I'd add- starting to make comments about friends and/or family with the intention of alienating you from them, for instance saying/implying one of your friends fancies them

• you for instance have red curly hair they say they like brunettes with straight hair

• saying other people are jealous of them/their success etc

10. And 11. No friends at all is a huge red flag even if it's their desire not to have them.

Having a child they don't see - you know years back I was open minded about this - now I know it's usually because they deserve it and the mother doesn't trust them to care for the kid. Bitter experience.

15. They slag off their ex to the nth degree. That will soon be you.

Those saying lack of friends is a huge red flag, there are frequently posts on mumsnet about women sad because they have no friends. Im sure theyre not all abusive or undeserving of love.

They are red flags not 100% certain indicator that someone is an abuser.

I'm quite misanthropic myself - I have AS.

*Calling their exes mental or any derogatory names
*nothing ever being their fault in their life
*saying they're a 'nice guy' or a great boyfriend or you'd be lucky to have me