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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Holiday bloody nightmare

224 replies

Aminuts23 · 14/09/2017 11:25

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 25/09/2017 23:35

No-one has ever said he was evil, nor scheming. Manipulative and scheming are not the same thing. Many men use indecision, fear of commitment, confusion etc as a tool to keep a relationship where they want it to be.

The fact is he told you baldly that he only ever saw this as a few months shagging. That makes him look so bad there is no reason for him to make it up.

It fits with the new info that 'he had never been your bf' and you were 'never in a relationship'. I mean wtaf? In his head he was never in a relationship with you.

It also fits with the trying to chuck you when it started getting serious. I suspect in the past his normal get out clause is that he didn't want kids or to live together. But that didn't go to plan because you didn't want those things. He was trying to chuck you before the holiday but he couldn't get it out as your replies slightly wrongfooted him. Which is why he told you on holiday he'd dumped you then as that is what he had been trying to do.

The anxiety was caused by the fact that he'd got himself into an almighty mess with you and knew he had to get himself out of it.

You're seeing a relationship as 'almost perfect' that the other partner was never properly engaged in.

lollipop7 · 25/09/2017 23:46

I'm not surprised he's come out of the woodwork and started these shenanigans with you.

He's trying to exploit your personal qualities and has picked up in the fact that you've been trying to make some sense of this treatment of you. It's so shabby but - and sorry to be blunt - he's probably doing it to see if you're still up for more of the same. I.e. Literally and metaphorically being shagged about. Every response he elicits from you will indicate that you are.

It's awful to be treated like this, but you do need to accept that this meant more to you than it did to him and to expend any more of your brain or energy or feelings on him is just so pointless.

Insomnibrat · 26/09/2017 00:01

If you feel yourself softening towards him OP, just remember he left you feeling alone, vulnerable, drunk and upset in a foreign country wishing you were safe back home.

Cat & mouse.

loveisasecondhandemotion · 26/09/2017 00:55

I truly think he did what the things he said he didn't and bloody well panicked!

I speak from experience :(

Hope you're ok op

loveisasecondhandemotion · 26/09/2017 00:55

Want- not what! Sorry

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 06:53

I'm ok thanks. It does help to talk things out. I was wavering last night but I didn't contact him. I still really really want to but I won't. Time for me to get ready for work anyway. Cheers

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/09/2017 18:27

You could twist yourself into knots looking for explanations, at the end of the day he has treated you badly, that's all you need to know

scottishretreat · 26/09/2017 19:15

Time for a new hobby OP, to take your mind off him. Take up knitting, or rock climbing - whichever takes your fancy :-)!

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 19:52

Ha thanks. I messaged him and asked him if his suggestion of meeting up was as friends or putting things right. He was honest and said his heart wasn't in it and he wished it had been. I feel very upset but at least now I know. I won't be meeting up with him. I can't. Hey ho. Onwards and upwards (after several glasses of wine)

OP posts:

lollipop7 · 26/09/2017 20:30

Well at least you know and he has finally been decent and honest with you.

Have as much wine as you want and one for me since I'm 33 weeks pregnant and could murder one after a shit of a phone call with my ex. You had a lucky escape

💐🍷

Christinayangstwistedsista · 26/09/2017 20:37

Whinesalot · 26/09/2017 21:37

At least he's been honest rather than stringing you along for longer. At least you can start the recovery process now rather than being in limbo.

To your future happiness

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 21:46

Thanks all for all your support over the last couple of weeks

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 26/09/2017 23:03

Oh ffs. He says one thing to you and thinks quite another.

'Let's meet up' 'oh actually my heart's not in it'. Why didn't he just admit that at the start?

Men like him are a total headfuck and it annoys me that he was so convincing at the 'I'm a lovely guy ' stuff.

You are well shot of him.

lollipop7 · 26/09/2017 23:04

@TatianaLarina totally agree
There seems to be more and more of these creatures lurking these days.

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 23:12

You're right I am. I definitely will not be meeting up with him ever. Clean break for me. I've been sat thinking about it all. It's sad but not the end of the world. I love my own space and couldn't ever see things moving on with him (maybe with nobody). He was nice, good company etc but thinking about it I didn't want to meet his kids, never introduced him to my family (friends yes). Maybe it should have always just been a friendship from the start. Nothing else. I'll be right. I have my weekends back. I'll miss him of course but I have plenty of friends. It's a shame as I might have been able to stay friends if he'd been honest when his feelings changed and given me a choice about the holiday but he did treat me badly, friends don't do that. And I need space away from him now to move on and recover. He did rely on me for a lot of support and it could be quite draining. I'm thinking back to before we met. I was happy then and I soon will be again

OP posts:

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 23:23

Just to amuse myself really. His bad qualities:

He drinks too much (so do I sometimes but not on his level)
He relies too much on his mother (she decorated his house while we were away and he let her)
He's a financial disaster (I'm financially very stable now, got myself out of debt)
His hygiene could be questionable sometimes
He's actually very lazy, works from home and doesn't actually do much (I have a professional career)
His house was untidy (unlike mine)
He was quite needy at times in terms of needing emotional support
Very complicated around his kids, issues with ex that I stayed out of but he always wanted my opinion (draining)

He did of course have some very good qualities. I won't list those or I'll get a bit sad. But hey, who'd want to live with this anyway? Not me

OP posts:

lollipop7 · 26/09/2017 23:23

That's exactly the best way to look at this, not what might have been but what you had a near miss with.

He sounds like he has some issues. You don't. Enjoy getting your life and weekends back, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason in life. I also think people don't change so you've hopefully been spared a lot of heartache and being pissed about.

Hope you had that glass of wine for me btw 😉

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 23:26

I did lollipop. I've had 2

OP posts:

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 23:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way

OP posts:

lollipop7 · 26/09/2017 23:30

Well done.🍷🍷
And Thanks for the congratulations. Three under 4, Christ almighty!

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 26/09/2017 23:33

Bloody hell lol. No wonder you fancy a wine 😂

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 27/09/2017 11:34

LOVING the bad qualities OP... brilliant.. keep showing yourself this list lady

Original poster

Aminuts23 · 27/09/2017 13:09

Hee hee, amused me too

OP posts:

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