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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Holiday bloody nightmare

224 replies

Aminuts23 · 14/09/2017 11:25

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

OP posts:

Report

PolkadottyRose · 14/09/2017 21:29

In think you are overreacting a bit, sorry. I think it's actually a very clumsy man type compliment. He is saying that he didn't expect to fall in love with you, but he did. It's a bit silly to throw him away over it.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/09/2017 21:30

Sorry OP but I really think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I wonder how many people get together and think great fun for a fling and then live happily ever after.

Anyway I hope you both find partners you are compatible with!

Princesspinkgirl · 14/09/2017 21:43

He obviously meant it i would dump sorry op what a shitty thing for him to say

Windytwigs · 14/09/2017 22:25

Depends what he followed it up with. He was very apologetics, did he then say he he feels totally differently now?

EmeraldIsle100 · 14/09/2017 22:37

Grow up. New relationships are all about not being able to keep your hands off one another. Stop pretending to be a nun. Do him a favour and leave him so that he can meet someone who loves a laugh and revels in their sexuality. Stop torturing him. He said sorry, what do you want, blood?

Please leave him for his sake.

BMW6 · 14/09/2017 22:50

In Vino Veritas ( there is truth in drink or something like that) is a pile of shite.

I've said things when pissed that I never really meant and were not remotely true. What he said when pissed wasn't even dreadful!
So what if he thought initially you would be good for a short time shag?
Be honest - did that thought NEVER cross your mind regarding him?

Take the piss, have a laugh, put it into perspective. That's my advice.

Maelstrop · 14/09/2017 22:52

Tricky, but I think you're overreacting. His first impression is not valid now after almost a year with you. He's got to know you, he's clearly keen on you, he got pissed and told you what he first thought, which is obviously no longer the case.

HeddaGarbled · 14/09/2017 22:52

I don't understand what he's done wrong.

To paraphrase his comment, he said that when he first met you, he liked you and wanted to have sex with you but had no expectations of a long term relationship.

What's so terrible about that? Isn't that how a lot of relationships start?

Isn't he saying "At the beginning of our relationship I was just looking for fun with a woman I liked but things have developed and now our relationship means much more"?

I think you're miffed about the not wanting to live with you thing but you don't want to admit it so you are taking pretend umbrage about a fairly innocuous and actually quite complimentary comment, instead of focussing on the real issue.

AreWeThereYet000 · 14/09/2017 23:02

Don't really see the issue, when I met my partner 3 years ago I didn't think I'm going to live with you and have your babies, I thought wow he's good looking he will be fun for a few dates but here we are, living together and I've just had our child.

I'd take it as a drunken back handed compliment as in, I didn't expect us to be together I thought it would be a fling type comment.

He seems genuinely remorseful from what you've posted id not throw away the last 11 months over this comment

Mintychoc1 · 14/09/2017 23:03

When I first met my boyfriend I was really disappointed. We'd been chatting on POF and he seemed so funny, but when I met him I didn't fancy him. I remember thinking "you're nice but I'm never going to see you again because I will never find you attractive". But I did see him again and it's now 18 months later and it's all great, I fancy him loads and I'm totally smitten. If I got very drunk I can imagine telling him how I'd originally felt , and he'd be devastated.

TheStoic · 14/09/2017 23:48

I have told someone that they were meant to be a fling, and I was telling the truth. My now DH, who've I've been with for over 20 years, was meant to be fling. He thinks it's funny.

I see absolutely no difference between this and what the OP's boyfriend said.

ilovetea14 · 15/09/2017 11:11

I remember meeting my now husband of 4 years together nearly 14 years. Omg he has red hair I don't like red heads told my friend who set us up get him away from me he's not my type!! But that night we clicked and I'm so glad I got to know him we get on so well couldn't see myself with anyone else! A few yrs later I told him what I thought when first met him, he laughed and told me he just wanted a shag we both laugh about it.

Aminuts23 · 15/09/2017 14:00

A mixed bag of responses. I'm still torn to be fair

OP posts:

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries · 15/09/2017 14:07

I'm stunned by the replies here and I'm usually the worst "LTB"er going!

I don't see what the big deal is AT ALL!

Naughtysausage · 15/09/2017 14:16

I think the bigger problem was that he hurt your feelings and then was horrid about it until he was sober?

Nasty drunks are no fun. What was the wider context of the conversation?

Velvetbee · 15/09/2017 14:23

I don't see what he's done wrong either.

OhWhatNowEarl · 15/09/2017 14:27

I dont see what he did wrong

When I met DP I didnt think we would last but wanted to have fun and enjoy myself

Together 5 years now

I often tell him he was a fling gone wrong

VioletCharlotte · 15/09/2017 14:32

Can't see the problem tbh.

When he first met you he thought you were nice and he wanted to shag you. Isn't this how most relationships start? I don't think anyone ever really thinks they've met 'the one' right from the start. Not in real life anyway.

It was a thoughtless thing to say, but he was drunk and we all say silly things when we we're drunk. He's still with you 11 months on. If everything else is ok and you're happy otherwise I'd just let it go and enjoy the rest of your holiday.

dogfish1 · 15/09/2017 14:33

Am a bloke and could easily have said exactly that kind of thing even to someone I was really serious about. As others have said, in a lot of relationships it's exactly what happens: at first he didn't think it would get serious, but now with time it has. And he said he thought you were a genuinely decent person so that obviously carried some weight. Is that so different to how you first thought about him? I don't see that he's done much wrong, except expressed himself coarsely. How much blood do you want out of the guy?

Branleuse · 15/09/2017 14:45

When I met my dp it was only supposed to be a casual shag. Still together and happy 12 years later, and dont live together either. I dont see a massive problem tbh

maxthemartian · 15/09/2017 14:46

I'm normally a total "LTB" brigader but I wouldn't in this case. He sounds very apologetic.
No idea what EmeraldIsle is on about though.

Niamhisnotarealname · 15/09/2017 17:15

are you looking for a reason to end it op?

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Runaways01 · 15/09/2017 17:43

I don't know what the big deal is. I'd probably laugh and see it as a bit of a compliment.

I have told someone that they were meant to be a fling, and I was telling the truth. My now DH, who've I've been with for over 20 years, was meant to be fling. He thinks it's funny. However, there is a really big difference between that and what Aminuts23 is going through. Her boyfriend basically said that he was just hoping to use her for sex

Failing to see what the 'really big difference' is TBH. If the OP's boyfriend was 'using her for sex' then weren't you using your now-DH for sex too?

AdalindSchade · 15/09/2017 17:49

I don't really see the big deal! Sometimes we think something will be something when it starts and it changes, both ways round. He was a bit of a twat to tell you but the sentiment isn't dumpworthy. I'd be mercilessly taking the piss out of him over it tbh

AdalindSchade · 15/09/2017 17:50

What's the difference between a 'fling' (ok) and 'using for sex' (not ok?)

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