Holiday bloody nightmare

[Aminuts23]

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

[Aminuts23]

But he dumped me

[Aminuts23]

I liked him because I thought he was the polar opposite to the guy on here who has been 'ghosted' since Saturday. He sounds like my ex

[Aminuts23]

Sorry I'm posting rambling bloody nonsense but it is helping me and it's stopping me contacting him

[Justonemorelatte]

He isn't "confused" . Inside he knows what he wants - which is the freedom to pursue others whilst dropping into yours for company when he wants.

It's natural for people to prioritise scheduling those their in a romantic interaction with.

He likes you prioritising him (if you were out there dating and meeting others and getting on with things he wouldn't be able to just drop into yours) which is why he wants to lie to keep you as a "comfort blanket" in case he doesn't have any other social options.

If he meets someone he's serious about, you'll be dropped like a hot potato - then he'll say how he "told you it wasn't a relationship" to keep his conscience clear.

Its about social power and control not feelings and consideration,

[Aminuts23]

That's just horrible though. He really wasn't a horrible guy (wasn't). Why all the emotion in his messages. He said he doesn't know how to date and be a dad. I'm awesome, he still wants to see me etc. I know it's all clap trap

[Whocansay]

He wants you to chase him. To flatter his ego. That's why you're getting messages.

You're supposed to be pining for him (well, you are, but that cunt doesn't know that).

Ramble away to us.

[Aminuts23]

Yeah that's true. I'm pining for who I thought he was. That's not actually him though. I don't think he ever expected me to refuse the meeting up

[Whocansay]

If he doesn't know how, why is he messing you around?

As soon as you give him any inkling that you're weakening, you won't see him for dust. He just wants to know that you still want him.

[Aminuts23]

Yep and this is why I must be strong. Arghhh. I just want my old relationship back

[Whocansay]

No, you don't. You want a relationship with a decent man who loves you.

[Aminuts23]

I just want this all to go away. I wish the holiday had never happened. I thought we had a really respectful, relaxed relationship. I was really confident about it and I trusted him. I feel a right fool

[scottishretreat]

OP I don't think he's evil and scheming, I think he's unstable emotionally. Something sent him into a downward spiral about your relationship, and even he may not know what.
The key point is that, however sorry he may feel, you can never know again if something's going to set him off again like this - you could never feel relaxed and happy as you did before.
I speak from experience - I spent several years with a man who could be lovely, kind, funny, and seemed to adore me; then someone would say that 'it' seemed to be getting serious, or once he saw a soft toy my DS had bought for me, and thought I bought it for him!...and he'd get uncomfortable, feel constrained, once he actually said he'd told me all along that he was 'a free agent', and we 'weren't a couple'. He'd actually been quite possessive at the start, and asked me to agree very clearly that I would never cheat on him!
I tried to understand, to give time time to adjust and understand his changing emotions, I wasn't in any rush to even live in the same town...but it didn't improve OP.
You do deserve better, you were unlucky, but you can move on, and eventually meet someone stable and able to love you.

[Aminuts23]

That sounds exactly it to me Scottish. He has suffered anxiety and a week before the holiday he had a panic attack and ended up in hospital. This thought that he was manipulating me from day 1 just doesn't fit. I'm 42. I'm wise and cynical and I would have spotted it. I'm sure. I'm sorry you went through this. It's tough because he was such a lovely partner. I thought it was almost perfect. I really didn't see myself living with him etc. He has his DC half the week anywhere and his time with them is precious. He's a really good committed dad. It's just really sad

[Whinesalot]

Perhaps he felt himself/you getting more serious and just panicked. After all a holiday is much more concentrated than a few dates.

Or he's a grade A knobhead.

[BackInTheRoom]

Cold feet OP? Even if he's got cold feet this is still a stumbling block and something he'd have to work at. There ain't nothing you can do about it. Say you got back together, wouldn't you always be worried he'd go flakey on you? I know I would. Id probably make so many concessions to make it right that I would lose my own bloody identity trying to please him to make him happy! This relationship shit is a nightmare!

[Aminuts23]

I think he did panic. When we were out with his friends 2 weeks before the holiday he was so affectionate. Lots of public displays of affection (were not really like that). I went home and they stayed the weekend with his and their DC. I wonder if the friends said anything. He was fine the next week but did say he was a bit anxious about the holiday. Still spent the weekend together though. He was admitted to hospital on the Tuesday before we went. And his ex was buggering him about with the DC before we went away. All this might seem like excuses. It's just my rambling thoughts trying to make sense of it. But I wouldn't want to ever go through this again

[Aminuts23]

If he thought I was wanting more he's clearly not been listening to me for the best part of a year.

[Aminuts23]

Scottish your post is resonating with me massively. He also said on our bad night on holiday that he'd never been my boyfriend, that we were never in a relationship, that if I wanted kids he wasn't the man for me (he already knew I didn't want kids at 42). It's like he was on self destruct. He'd had an emotional day for personal reasons. I'm rambling again. Just wondering if it was anxiety. Or is he just a knobber?

[Wherearemymarbles]

Maybe he was wanting more? And knew you didn't so self sabotaged as it were. Its very common

A drunk rant saying i could never live with you could mean, i want is to live together forever.
Maybe the friends were telling him you were fab and he should ask you to move in.

He is clearly emotionally complex.

[Aminuts23]

He is. Doesn't help me though does it? I don't know why he sabotaged everything for no reason. I feel he is genuinely sorry but I have to put myself first. If (if) it was anxiety am I being unsympathetic? I know he was bad before we went

[Whinesalot]

Can you just have a big open conversation where you both lay your cards on the table. No holding back. All this second guessing is getting you nowhere. What have you got to lose? Tell him your fears, ask him what happened. It might come to the same decision but at least you'll have had an honest conversation

[Aminuts23]

Yeah maybe. I'll think on it. I know he wants to meet up at some point. I've said no so far. I might speak to my friends (they're all very different) and make a decision later in the week. I'm still angry and sad though and I doubt I'd ever trust him anyway. Thank you for your support. It's really helped tonight again, you're all stars

[scottishretreat]

Just wondering if it was anxiety. Or is he just a knobber?

It's both OP, it's both (and sorry but that is a bit ).

He can't help it probably, but that doesn't make it any better, because he'll continue to not be able to help it - he may talk about it, and work out why he did it (mine did, he worked it out, and told me he had it sorted...he didn't)

• but it whatever caused it was not a good.clear reason (like you demanding he marry you immediately and have babies - that would have been a reason to get cold feet!). So you'd stand a very good chance of it happening again, unpredictably - you'd be constantly checking for signs, and making sure you never said anything he could consider 'committing'.
  Mine eventually cheated, and I forgave him because he was so sorry...years later after we split I found out he'd been seeing someone else for several months overlapping...I guess it helped with the feeling overly committed!
  Please don't feel so sorry for him that you think you can help him sort himself out - he would very likely go on hurting you.

[scottishretreat]

The things that he's worried about, that you've never wanted anyway (e.g. having kids with him), seem to show that he's playing out a different relationship completely in his mind, that has nothing to do with you, your hopes and personality at all. That's worth remembering I think.
My ex constantly thought I was going to make a big scene in public, and used this as a reason for me not to attend certain things where we were both invited (but someone might have been there who might have made things a bit awkward). I honestly have never made a big scene in public in my life, but he was quite sure about it - so much so that for a while I sort of believed he must have insight about my personality that I didn't.
Perhaps they are assuming you are exactly like them, and would behave the same as they would - or it may be a past relationship they're replaying (in my case, perhaps an ex who always made a scene) - either way, it sounds as if it's not actually you he's been seeing all this time!

[Justonemorelatte]

What the last two posters said is spot on.

The trouble with dating a fantasist/ gaslighter type (regardless of whether or not you want to attribute it to MH issues, the effect on you is the same) is they have a misogynist, fixed idea of who you are in their head (based on their own neuroses - a "fantasy woman") and they'll just go along with it regardless of whether or not you "prove" to them otherwise.

Maybe he's confusing you with his ex in the drama.

But regardless of the "cause", do you really want the rest of your life to be softy- softy/understanding around his traumas, trying to make him see reason? (There's no point in trying to "correct" him. However intelligent or cultured or "nice" he is, and however good it may feel walking round festivals, there is something broken in him and his attitude to women )

Whilst he just takes up more and more space in your life and thoughts and stops you moving onto other things.