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Original poster

Holiday bloody nightmare

224 replies

Aminuts23 · 14/09/2017 11:25

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 24/09/2017 13:15

I don't there's any need to try to make me feel worse. I know he won't tell me the truth. He's already shown me his true colours. It was a cathartic email that I sent to make me feel better. He can do what he likes, it's nothing to do with me

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 24/09/2017 13:37

I wasn't trying to make you feel worse. Thinking he is/was better than he is, hoping for something that doesn't happen, that's what will make you feel worst.

You've asked him to tell you what 'actually happened' and told him that if he starts 'being honest' you can go from there.

Now you say you know he won't tell you the truth, so why ask?

Honesty with yourself at this point will help you feel better - because you'll realise you haven't lost much.

He only ever saw this as a short term thing, he was antsy before the holiday because he felt he was getting in too deep. He was trying to get out of it then, but was too gutless.

Whatever fun you had he's not interested in a committed relationship.

Gemini69 · 24/09/2017 16:02

You've asked him to tell you what 'actually happened' and told him that if he starts 'being honest' you can go from there.
Now you say you know he won't tell you the truth, so why ask?

this stood out to me too tbh... this statement wasn't closure.. it was an opening for him to present his case.... which was why i was confused also... Flowers

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 24/09/2017 16:30

You're right, doesn't make much sense does it? Sorry. I think I just had to have my say to him. I don't expect him to reply anyway. Getting through this first weekend has been tough but I'm about there now. I still feel I have my dignity in tact and work will occupy me for the next 5 days. One step at a time. I will be fine, I know this 100%.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 24/09/2017 22:20

You will be fine, and fwiw you're worth million of this twat. With his "oh I chucked you didn't you realise?" nonsense.

I'm sorry he turned out to be such an arse.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 01:00

Thank you. I know I deserve better. He was better. Still shocking that it took nearly 11 months to spot any kind of problem. My trust is shot to pieces. I'm ok though. Better than expected to be fair. I can do this

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 25/09/2017 10:15

I think you didn't see it because he was totally dishonest with you. I don't think you did anything wrong.

If he'd made it clear from the start that he wasn't interested in a ltr, only saw this as a few months thing, or even a FWB, you'd have known where you were. But equally you may not have got involved with him, which is why he didn't tell you.

Instead he went into this full pelt, merely saying he didn't want to have kids which didn't bother you. And then did an about turn.

He seemed like a really nice guy but he's actually a dick. I would have thought 40s would be too old for dicking around like this, but clearly not.

I think he knew what he was doing rather than simply having a change of heart, and I think he's quite manipulative.

All in all you've dodged a bullet, thankfully it was 11 months, not several years.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 11:35

Thanks Tatiana. I agree I don't think I did anything wrong. He should have made it clear from the start as I don't think I would have ever got involved with him. The truth is I thought we were a long term relationship, albeit without the pressure of living together, kids etc. He has 2 kids and I always knew that he would not have more. I would not expect him to. He has in the past (again when a bit merry) suggested we start ttc!! Ridiculous. He has suggested and organised breaks away, the holiday was his idea, the location was his idea, up until about 4 weeks ago he was asking me to look into making the holiday a bit longer (thank goodness we didn't do that!). This is why I am totally confused and hurt by it. He has acted throughout as though he had the same view of the relationship as me. He has always said how similar we are, how we have most of the same interests. I have supported him with all sorts of issues. He used to contact me and ask me for advice about things and respect what I had to say etc. This came as a proper bolt out of the blue to me which is why I have been a bit all over the place. I had not heard from him much last week until 10.30pm on Friday which was the night we always spent together. I hope he was moping on his own. I was out with work friends to keep myself occupied. Ah well. Life goes on I suppose. I have been through worse. The thought that he has manipulated this from the beginning makes me feel sick to be honest. If that's right he's a hell of an actor, it's frightening really. I feel like I'll never trust anyone again.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 25/09/2017 14:13

you did okay this weekend OP.. it was the hardest time for you and you've gotten through.. take each day as it comes.. Flowers

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 19:33

I'm wobbling again tonight. He's been in touch to say he's paid the money, he's sorry, I deserve better etc blah. In an earlier message he said he wants to see me again. I want to ask him in what way, friends or other. I'm so tempted to ask him. I absolutely know I can't do this but I feel so so upset. I miss him (well the old him) 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 19:35

Why would he say he still wants to see me when he's the one that ended it? I don't understand

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 25/09/2017 19:39

He's after a little ego massage. Don't let him dangle you on a string, retain the upper hand and ignore the sad muppet.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 25/09/2017 19:41

please don't reply, in fact, block his number

This really can't go anywhere now, you were in holiday with him and didn't know you had been dumped

He is playing with you, tell him to fuck off

TatianaLarina · 25/09/2017 19:42

Because he wants to keep you around as a friend and occasional sex partner but not be in a relationship with you.

The " deserve better" line is an acknowledgement that he's fucked you over at the same time as a warning not to expect anything of him. The "I know I'm a bad lot line" is usually just an excuse for poor behaviour.

It's all very self-indulgent. If you dump someone at least have the decency to leave them alone.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 19:44

You're right and I won't do it but he seems very genuinely upset and sorry. I'm not making any excuses for him whatsoever but it's so confusing. Why would he be apologising and saying he wants to see me again. If this is games I'm baffled by it. I'm posting on here to stop myself messaging him

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 25/09/2017 19:46

Ultimately games are all about feeding emotions and ego.

He's getting an ego boost from your upset over the ending, it makes him feel powerful. So he can't help playing with you like a cat with a mouse.

He probably is a bit upset that you're upset and he fucked you over. But not enough not to do it or to behave honourably now. It's all about his kicks and self indulgence.

Slimthistime · 25/09/2017 19:47

OP "Why would he say he still wants to see me when he's the one that ended it? I don't understand"

because he wants a shag probably. Don't fall for this "I'm bad at relationships" shit. He doesn't want to treat a partner well. Also don't confuse the humiliation he's caused you for any other emotion.

I have to quote from Lark Rise to Candleford now (the TV show rather than the book) but the thing about this kind of event is "the humiliation burns long after the hurt has healed".

Glad he's paid the money.

you don't miss "the old him", you miss the version he created in order to get sex.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 25/09/2017 19:48

He's keeping you dangling he also doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy

expatinscotland · 25/09/2017 19:57

'. I'm not making any excuses for him whatsoever but it's so confusing. Why would he be apologising and saying he wants to see me again. If this is games I'm baffled by it. I'm posting on here to stop myself messaging him'

Because he wants to keep his options open. He's upset he lost his easy ride.

Do you ever want a live-in relationship and/or kids? If so, stop even giving the time of day to guys like this. Why do you even think you deserve someone who has so much baggage like this?

Time to block him. He's fucking with your head. It's over. He doesn't get to do this anymore.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 20:00

I think he doesn't want to be seen as 'the bad guy'. That's probably more the reason. I don't buy the dangling me for sex though. He knows me better than that. He wouldn't try that, I know that 100%. He hasn't replied to my email anyway, he just said he'd read it and I deserve better. Chickened out of giving me a proper explanation which is what I expected really. I really want to know on what basis he wants to 'see me again'. Arghhh this is hard

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 25/09/2017 20:02

Look, you're not going to know. He's not going to give you an explanation. He's a player. You need to accept that. Don't waste time seeing him again.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 20:05

I don't see myself ever wanting a live in relationship or kids. I'm 42, I lived with my ex for years, it was abusive and awful. I love my own space. That's why this relationship seemed perfect because I had my own space and then time for us on a weekend. I don't want some needy bloke who'll be trying to rush me into anything. It was only about 4 weeks ago he wanted to make our holiday longer. A week before we went away we went to a local festival all day. He walked around holding my hand all day. The week before we were out with his friends and he was more affectionate than usual all night. God it's painful this

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 25/09/2017 20:05

I can't actually see the problem. He wanted a short term shag with someone decent rather than a series of one night stands. So what? So do many. He obviously likes you still or he wouldn't be with you. And he's sorry that he's upset you.

I too think you really wanted more.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 25/09/2017 20:07

Whines he's not with me any more. I found out on the last night of the holiday he'd ended it weeks before, apparently!! Without telling me. The original comment in isolation I could forgive but I knew something was badly wrong

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Wherearemymarbles · 25/09/2017 20:11

He never expected you to dump him. Now he wants you back and is using the tortured soul routine. He wants see you again so he can get into your knickers! He doesnt want to be friends. Block and move on. Easier said than done i know.