Holiday bloody nightmare

[Aminuts23]

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

The issue was that in the context of the conversation it was a cruel thing to say. He was horrified that he'd even said it. I did not bay for blood at all, I tried to make sure he didn't feel too bad because we've all said things we don't mean in drink. And I didn't want to spend our last 2 days arguing and sniping.

So are you back home now ? Reached any conclusion ? For what it's worth I'd have trouble getting over that tbh. It would always be lurking at the back of my mind.

Yes home now. It's hard as I really like him but there are a few issues. I'm not really sure what will happen now

Guess you could just play it by ear - I find that's the best way for me to make my mind up sometimes. What are the other issues ?

I can't see what he said wrong.

What he did wrong was hurt my feelings and he knew by saying that he would. His reaction was just like looking at my horrible abusive ex, minimising what he'd said, blaming me because he'd upset me. I've never ever seen this from him before. We've had a lovely relationship but over the last 2-3 weeks in the build up to the holiday his head has been all over the place. So much so that right now I have no idea what the status of our 'relationship' actually is. He has anxiety. I don't know if it's that. He assumes (wrongly) that I want to get more serious. It has always been very easy going and relaxed but all of a sudden I've no real clue what's going on

The relationship status is what you want it to be. I can't believe that you think it should be anything but a dead relationship.

I don't know that his first impression matters really. I first met my husband with friends and when I saw him again he ran over to say hello and I had no idea who he was. Which I tried really hard not to let him know - I probably got a bit drunk and told him a few months later. Much like your bf really!

I don't want it to be dead, at all! I don't know why he over complicates everything. As I said until about 3 weeks ago it was the best relationship I've ever had so I'm loathed to throw it away. I think it is over though which fills me with sadness when we (in the main) had such a nice time

Yes it's over Op, and to be honest you are dong your DP a favour. 40's you sound like you are 14 FFS. So when he first clapped eyes 👀 n you he didn't say "wow, there's the woman I'll marry". FYI on here if he did say that it would be classed as a red flag.

Nice

I honestly don't understand the issue.

He didn't say 'good for a one night stand', he said (even allowing for the extreme clumsiness of drunken talk) that he recognised you as a lovely person and expected the relationship to last several months.

Which it did, and more.

Who, except the pathologically needy or obsessed stalkers, expects more at the start of a relationship?

Maybe you are not ready, post abusuve relationship, for anything new. You are nervy (maybe), he has anxiety... maybe it is all too much.

But it might be worth a calm, open and honest conversation.

When you say he knew that by saying that he would hurt your feelings do you mean he was point scoring in an argument or otherwise deliberately trying to hurt you? The way he said it might be the red flag for you rather than what he actually said, particularly since he then went on to blame you for being upset about it.

To be honest he was just being a massive twat. Over the past few weeks he's got very odd over our relationship. Trying to define it in some way or another and constantly asking me what I want from the relationship. Telling me he won't have more DC etc (I've never ever suggested this, I'm 42 years old ffs). He's been trying to push me away, I get this, I have no idea why and said if he wants to end things that's fine. Sad but I'll be ok. Last night, on our last night away, he said that one of these previous conversations 2-3 weeks ago was him ending our relationship and that I should have realised we were just going away as friends. He never ever at any point hinted at ending things. He says he thinks he did. I thought we were away as a couple, he clearly neglected to mention this wasn't the case. All of this in a week where he was acting as if we were a couple. I feel bloody livid as I would not have gone away with him on those terms at all! I also feel humiliated. As this evening goes on I'm getting more and more cross. He wants us to still spend time together but he doesn't want a 'relationship' with anyone. I knew something wasn't quite right which was why I posted about this. Things were left today with him kissing me and saying he'd speak to me later. My head is all over the place. I'm so bloody angry

He's wanting you to end it.

He is isn't he! Although he allegedly already did weeks ago and just failed to mention it. Fucker

I would just back off and start prioritising yourself tbh. Stop wasting mental energy on him and focus on what's best for you. Make some fun plans, see friends, focus on other areas of your life. Either he'll catch himself on, or he'll fade away, and either way it will benefit you to nourish the other parts of your life.
I'm sorry he's being a twat.

Thanks Jenny. This is exactly what I will do. It infuriates me that he knows I'm not needy at all. I don't need him in my life but it's been a really pleasant time for me. I thought he agreed. He always said and acted as though he did. I've found this all a bit shocking tbh. I know he was anxious about the holiday but still! Fancy being dumped and not even realising. It's mortifying. I'm fuming with him

Walk away OP. Don't waste anymore of your time on him. Ignore texts and phone calls and forget he was ever there. The sooner you get rid of him the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

Absolutely, Aminuts. No more contact. Certainly no friendship! Don't give the satisfaction of that final conversation. I wasted years of my life on a man who didn't want a relationship but a friendship that he could turn into a shag when it suited him but didn't stop him dating. Unlike you I did want a full on relationship and he'd offer just enough to keep me hanging. Every time I cut him off he decided that he really had to have me and then shortly after would tell me he'd never love me.

It drove me insane. Complete no contact was the only cure. I know you're not in that mad place but I think you'll find it the most comfortable place regardless.

Aw what a pity to see how this thread has gone OP, I genuinely thought at first it was just a no big deal, drunken ramble.

Jenny and NotAngelina have had offered amazing advice that I'm going to bank for myself at a later stage too!

Oh my goodness, what a weird guy. Yeah, don't bother having that final conversation, this is indeed the perfect situation for which ghosting was invented!

You're probably right. I think we could be friends in time but not right now. He was the kindest, most interesting, funny, intelligent partner I've had. Our personalities just clicked. I'll miss him though. Half of me wonders if he'll calm down now the anxiety of the holiday has passed. I just feel so hurt that he went away with me knowing he felt like that. He should have been open and given me the choice of whether I wanted to go away as friends. The answer would have been no way. Now I have to face friends and family asking if our first holiday together was good etc. It was good day to day but now I just feel rubbish. He said today what a great time he'd had.

He is the problem, not you, because basically he is a twat.

Don't waste your time psychoanalysing him, his reasons, the nuances. He has mucked you about in a cowardly, gutless way.

You are better off without someone who has basically just told you you'd already been dumped but missed the signals but were just about good enough to still go on holiday with.

If this was a friend of yours going through this you'd say she was well rid. As are you.

Onwards and Upwards 💐

Dont feel humiliated OP. Sounds like he is rewriting what happened. He is also being a massive twat and I would be 'busy' each and every time he calls.