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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday bloody nightmare

224 replies

Aminuts23 · 14/09/2017 11:25

I'm currently away with DP of 11 months. First holiday together. Last night he got absolutely wrecked and tells me he doesn't want to live together etc (absolutely fine by me, I don't want that and he knows it). However he also said when me met he thought I was a genuinely decent person who he could see himself shagging for a few months. He's horrified today and says he never thought that but I hate it. I now feel stuck here with him. He's feeling awful. I'm feeling awful. How would you feel about this?

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 18/09/2017 18:42

If it helps you get it out of your system, write it all down exactly as you'd like to say it to him and post it here instead. But whatever you do DONT GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

lollipop7 · 18/09/2017 18:57

What Jenny is saying
Vent on here but not at him about him. Don't give that fire oxygen it will only make things more aggravated for you and more enjoyable for him.

You are worth more than virtual hand writing over this cretin or wondering why he is the way he is. Just leave him to it.

It is far more alluring and irritating.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 19:10

I started writing an email earlier. It did feel quite cathartic to write it all down. I really want him to hurt as much as he's hurt me but I suppose that's never going to be the case

OP posts:
differentlife · 18/09/2017 19:17

I want him to know exactly how cruel his behaviour has been as it would give me closure.

He would probably be happy to know that he'd caused so much damage.

Sounds like he's going to rewrite this as "She was a bit of a fling, FWB, handy for a shag on holiday. Aren't I a player, lads".

Don't give him one last chance to wound you again.

Chalk it up to experience, & either block and ignore, or send a single text of "Goodbye" then block the fuck out of him on phone & social media.

differentlife · 18/09/2017 19:18

P.S. And then get on with your wonderful life & look magnificent while you do it.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 19:23

I have to message him actually thinking about it as he owes me some money. I said I'd work out how much and let him know. If he hadn't pissed me off I'd leave it but it's a fair few quid and I don't see why I should be out of pocket. Damn damn damn

OP posts:
Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 18/09/2017 19:26

Then just be purely factual. A quick message 'After the holiday you owe me £xx. I'd be grateful if you'd repay me as soon as you can' or similar. Don't be sidetracked into any other conversation at all.

rosabug · 18/09/2017 19:29

It's my sad experience to say - don't ignore these 'drops'. They are often the truth. However much you don't want to believe it.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 19:29

Op. Sweetie, what are you doing?

He's dumped you. He's told you why. What more do you want? You're not ending anything, he has already done it.

Gather what's left of your dignity and move on. Seriously. 💐

lollipop7 · 18/09/2017 19:59

Just a brief email outlining what he owes you, bank details if he needs hem and a deadline for repayment.

Not another word

I know you're hurt but any more activity over the airwaves will only bring you pain not closure.

You need to walk away from this

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 20:10

That's exactly what I've done. Very matter of fact. That's it now. My best friend is taking me out for a natter tomorrow night so that's good. And I've got work to keep me busy.

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 18/09/2017 20:33

That's the spirit!

Hope you have a nice evening with evening your friend.

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 20:37

Yes, do not try to tell him what a twat he has been. He will reframe it as you being unhinged - 'Christ, we weren't even in a relationship!' He will say.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 20:41

Sweet you're dead right, because we weren't ever ..... for the best part of a year. Fucker Wink

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 18/09/2017 20:46

He was pissed. I've said all manner of shite when I'm pissed and meant almost none of it.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 20:51

Mike so have I, I totally get it. There is a difference though when it's repeated again 2 nights later with less alcohol and even worse things said.

OP posts:
NarleneBieyrich · 18/09/2017 21:31

I agree with Grey rock treatment here (and know you're not alone and you haven't been "naive" - a lot of us have encountered these type of men who go to extraordinary lengths to manipulate women especially if they perceive the woman is independent they seek to punish her by manufacturing this bizarre situation in which they claim she's "obsessed" with being in a relationship with them

It's crazy behaviour, it's like they want to go round claiming they're some uber desirable player when in fact it's often them "setting women up"?)

No contact apart from anything practical and dull, and look after yourself/put your energy into other things. If you get any messages which are emotionally/ social you didn't see them yeah? Wink

I'd personally avoid the temptation to be out there again doing the whole dating/ drinking cocktails routine as that's not really " emotionally fulfilling" and could result in more stress for you?

Maybe more productive things, like exercise, diy, cooking healthy food. all those things which are a bit dull but ultimately nourishing and will
make you feel you're moving forward with things?

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 18/09/2017 21:54

Thanks Narlene. That's exactly my intention. That's what I'd been doing for 18 months after leaving an abusive relationship. I told him straight from the start not to play games because I didn't 'need' a man. I still don't. He promised to always be straight with me. It's disappointing more than anything as I trusted him to be decent. No red flags at all before the holiday. I'm sad but I'll be good. I've been through worse, although nothing quite so confusing maybe. I couldn't be friends with him anyway as he's broken my trust. I'm starting to feel like I've pulled the shutter down anyway which is good. I'm sure I'll have a wobble on the night we normally meet up but I have a work do anyway to keep me busy Smile

OP posts:
NarleneBieyrich · 18/09/2017 22:32

Sounds good SmileFlowers

You'll probably know this anyway, but I reckon he's going to be fairly keen to "Hoover" you back in now- you may get vague messages trying to "trigger" you into contact by being nice/sentimental.

Or even victimy ones - he'll hint at his anxiety diagnosis and how you're a cold, insensitive bitch for not responding to him. He' ll start using the term "friend" (yeah, like friends manipulate others in order to humiliate them?) and "speak to your better nature". I wouldn't even respond - just ignoring normally works.

I got a weird apology message from someone who pulled a similar stunt on me (not really an apology, just more a "I'm going to say a brief sorry and I expect us to move forward from this") and I ignored - I think he just wanted to lure me into another drama fest and then in two months time it would be "oh look she's desperate to be in touch with me!"

He may also try to contaminate any joint interactions/friends you may have so you feel you have to "tell your side of the story" - again, grey rock is normally best. I wouldn't worry about telling people/ people knowing - unless you're Meghan Markle most people only try to make conversation to alleviate the boredom of work and are probably thinking about what theyre going to have for tea or sonething similar.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 19/09/2017 22:54

Fab night out with my best friend putting the world to rights and actually having a good giggle about how a 42 year old professional woman hadn't realised she's been dumped 3 weeks beforehand. Grin

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 19/09/2017 23:42

Panicking my arse, he's just a massive knob.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 21/09/2017 18:31

I'm having a massive wobble tonight. I've been focusing on anger and incredulity but usually I would always be seeing him tomorrow and I'll really miss him. I don't know how I'll get through tomorrow night at all judging by how I am right now. I know he's a massive knob but that is not how he was for the last 10 months at all. I just can't get my head around it. I haven't got anyone around to talk to tonight or tomorrow. I can't believe he's had time to get his head around this and to me it's a massive massive shock. I know I'll be fine long term but this weekend is going to be really tough. I don't know what to do 😔😔

OP posts:
underthebluemoon · 21/09/2017 18:41

Talk to us. Break the weekend into chunks. Can you go to the gym/the beach/ forest walk. Clean out cupboards. Read a book, watch a box set, make a dress!

You can do this. Firsts are always hard. It gets easier.

Cupoteap · 21/09/2017 18:41

Have just read the updates - what a cock. Do not doubt yourself he is trying to rewrite it do not let him.

Original poster
Aminuts23 · 21/09/2017 18:44

Also I think it would have helped me if I at least had an explanation (I'd NEVER ask for one) but then I'd least I'd know why. Friends have asked me why and I have genuinely no idea as I thought we were good. Sorry I'm rambling but even if nobody answers it helps me to spill my guts.

OP posts: