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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 13/09/2017 21:09

Ring him. Even if he needs space, it's rude to just disappear.

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2017 21:11

Yeah call him

He's really out of order just vanishing like that

Cricrichan · 13/09/2017 21:11

Hi lovely. Congratulations xxx give him time to digest the news. I got pregnant when I didn't want another child and when I found out it was twins, it took me a little while to digest it. In the end only one survived which made me feel really guilty about my feelings at the time but now couldn't image life without my lovely boy.

All the best xx

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/09/2017 21:12

He's selfish, isn't he? I know he's had a shock, but you have, too! Surely it's better to deal with things together than just go off and leave your pregnant wife and daughter.

Don't keep ringing him. Send him one message saying he needs to get home so you can talk.

Msqueen33 · 13/09/2017 21:12

Sounds like he's very shocked but not a good enough reason not to get in touch and leave you worried

NC4now · 13/09/2017 21:15

Ring him. He might need space but you need to know he's safe. Its nog fair of him, leaving you like that.
You sound reasonable so you deserve for him to be reasonable and keep you in the picture.

Handsoffmysweets · 13/09/2017 21:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster
AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:21

He has been out since this afternoon so he has had some time to himself already and I didn't mind him going initially but it's getting later now and he is still out. I think I might ring him so at least I can stop stressing about it.

OP posts:
YogiYoni · 13/09/2017 21:22

First off, congratulations Flowers

Right now, I think your priority needs to be to find him. Can you tell if he's read the message? Do you have WhatsApp / findfriends etc that you can try? Contact some of his friends? If that fails and it's out of character, might be worth calling 101?

Longer term, you've obviously got a lot to discuss. At face value he sounds immensely selfish, but I can see how there must be a lot going on inside to cause him to act like this.

I hope he turns up soon.

ILoveDolly · 13/09/2017 21:25

He's freaking out. Try to be gentle with him, I hate to be sexist but ime kid gloves are sometimes necessary with the men when they're being childish. He will come around, just remind him how adored he will be with his amazing twin children to love him.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2017 21:27

Is he home? While I appreciate this has given him a shock, he needs to act like a man and deal with this maturely. You're in this together - he can't be allowed to get away with being a selfish twat.

strangestdirection · 13/09/2017 21:28

That's so selfish- I'm sure you're shocked too and can't just whaltz off. I would give him absolute hell but at the very least ring him.

NapQueen · 13/09/2017 21:28

Its selfish of him to demand time alone to come to terns with this and expect you to carry on at home with dd regardless.

Its a big shock to both of you, of course, but your body will be carrying, delivering and possibly nursing twins. If anyone is allowed the freak out alone time it should be you.

He is adding to your burden by fucking off and remaining awol. Twat. Selfish twat.

ChevalierTialys · 13/09/2017 21:30

Congratulations OP! Give him a call. If he doesnt answer, leave him to it. He can explain himself tomorrow.

Undercoverbanana · 13/09/2017 21:30

Many congratulations OP.

He may be shocked/worried about money/bedroom space etc etc etc but you are carrying twins, have been working all day and are now caring for his child on your own when you could be resting. You have also had a shock, are probably worried about coping both with the birth and money and space and logistics etc etc etc.

He sounds like he's being selfish, I'm afraid. I wouldn't bother trying to contact him. Save your energies for your DCs.

iMatter · 13/09/2017 21:32

Don't be worried.

Be angry.

Selfish prick.

Joysmum · 13/09/2017 21:33

My dh withdrew when we found out I was pregnant. It was planned and happened in the first month. Both of us were shocked and he needed to get his head around it before he could support me. I didn't do any better at supporting him as I was angry and scared.

We are both good people who simply couldn't have predicted how we would feel. All came good in the end though and after a while we pulled together and that experience helped us to be a better couple with any subsequent challenges as we learnt a lot about ourselves and each other.

sweatylemon · 13/09/2017 21:36

I think 9.30pm is time for him to come home.
It was a shock for you too.
You need to have a frank discussion about what happens from here. He needs to step up & man up!

crazyhairdontcare · 13/09/2017 21:36

What about you though?! What about you needing some time to think or some good old fashioned support from your partner?

Congrats by the way. Although it sounds like you'll have four children on your hands!

Viviennemary · 13/09/2017 21:38

Having twins can be quite a big shock I should imagine. Especially if there are worries that you might not financially cope. I think you should hold fire till he comes back and see what he has to say for himself. I'd be annoyed too at him disappearing. Hopefully, he'll be back soon and things will be fine.

Junglefowl · 13/09/2017 21:39

I hope you got through. I'd worry he's dealing with it on his own rather than with you, but hopefully it's just the enormity of it and he'll discuss it properly. So many congratulations by the way and hope you are ok as it's such lovely news and must be hard he is finding it hard to take in.

Original poster
AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:39

I've tried calling him but he didn't answer. I text him again and told him to get in touch with me.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 13/09/2017 21:40

The thing is, how long does one wait before reporting him missing?

bookwormsforever · 13/09/2017 21:40

Congrats, op, lovely news. How are you feeling about it?

Aeviternity · 13/09/2017 21:40

He's being an overdramatic dick. It's a shock for everyone, but it's not like you can switch your phone off and go sink a few pints, is it?

He'll probably be absolutely fine, now that he's had his attention-seeking moment and made this all about him. Forevermore he will tell the tale of what a shock it was for him, and how it changed things for him, and really made him realise what a top bloke he truly was, after a few nights in the pub 'finding' himself.

Sorry. I hate him more now. Sorry OP. Hope he dislodges his head firmly from his arse.