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Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 13/09/2017 21:43

He is out getting pissed. By the time the hangover has gone he will have gone past shock into planning.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 13/09/2017 21:44

I wouldn't bother calling all his friends, etc, and certainly not 101. Just ring him and ask him when he's coming home to help care for his daughter and, you know, be adult.

And please don't buy into all the "men need kid gloves" bullshit. He's an adult human being just as you are and needs to engage with the fact that he has willingly and knowingly had unprotected sex with you in an active attempt to conceive a child, so he doesn't get to be all melodramatic about it now.

Bravas · 13/09/2017 21:44

I hope he comes home soon, it's a big shock for both of you. Does he have work tomorrow, likely to be in the pub?

Hopefully he will just be using the time to allow it all to sink in.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2017 21:47

I'll tell you this, if my husband pulled this shit and was deliberately not answering or returning my calls and texts, I would be LIVID. This is totally unacceptable. He's a grown man, husband and father, for fuck's sake. He's acting like a spoilt child.

DjangoUnchained · 13/09/2017 21:47

I'd be worrying and think he's being very selfish. Has he got form for this?

TheVanguardSix · 13/09/2017 21:48

Ok so the guy needs a bit of space and time to absorb this news. But this is ridiculous and a red flag. You will both get through this, undoubtedly, but you won't forget this display of utter weakness and selfishness. What about YOU?

Boo fucking hoo Waaa! I don't wanna have twins. Whatever dude. Grow the fuck up.

He just gave you an epic display of the man he really is. And he didn't even have to be around to show you this.

By the way, congratulations! All anger aside, seriously! It's delightful news. This will pass... but I sincerely hope Big Baby pulls his shit together.

notapizzaeater · 13/09/2017 21:49

Has he got find my iPhone ? Can you trace him that way ?

Congratulations, he's obv very shocked

ItsAllAboutThePace · 13/09/2017 21:51

Is this how he usually deals with things?

Could he be with friends or family?

ProfessorCat · 13/09/2017 21:51

I'd be livid. Making you worry like this? Awful behavior.

tinytemper66 · 13/09/2017 21:52

Go to bed. He is not worth all the stress. He is a grown man!

MrLovebucket · 13/09/2017 21:53

He's selfish, isn't he? I know he's had a shock, but you have, too!

I think the shock for OP was probably more of a delighted shock. If her DH wasn't really on board with one more child then the prospect of two more will have knocked him sideways.

Agree that you should try phoning him.

Congratulations btw Flowers

MrMessy · 13/09/2017 21:53

Sounds like he is somehow trying to 'punish' you because things have turned out differently to how he expected which is so childish. I would not contact him anymore and see what happens .

MsWanaBanana · 13/09/2017 21:53

Congrats OP. I had a 2 year old and fell pregnant with twins. My hubby was overwhelmed for a few days but he soon came round. It's a big shock. My hubby was adamant we only have 2. In fact I think he would of been happy with 1 but he knew I wanted 3 so compromised on 2. He didn't, however, leave me and say he needed space. We talked it out, he told me his worries. Ultimately though he realised it was done so getting on board was he only option he had. You need to talk to your hubby when he is back and explain his reaction is unacceptable. If he has worries, he needs to talk to you about them and not run off. This is a massive red flag. Good luck x

NapQueen · 13/09/2017 21:53

Put your keys in the other side of the door so he cant get in

scottishdiem · 13/09/2017 21:54

Being shocked and upset when wanting one, accepting two and finding out it's three is fine.

Not being in touch is awful and the highest fuckwittery.

incogKNEEto · 13/09/2017 21:55

I would send him another message to say if he's not home by 10.30 or rings you then you will report him missing to the police as this is out of character and you are worried. Very selfish behaviour on his part, surely he realises you have also had a shock?

Congratulations on your news Flowers.

Original poster
AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:55

He has work tomorrow so I don't think he will be drinking at least not enough to make him sick. He doesn't really drink/go to the pub anyway it's just not really his thing.

I am not sure how I feel about it. It doesn't feel real. A part of me is worried about the logistics of everything. But a little part of me feels excited at the thought in a nervous sort of way .

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 13/09/2017 21:56

I would be fucking fuming.

Forget worry, stick wih anger. How fucking DARE he?!

Why is his worry/shock more important than yours? What would he have done if you had decided to fuck off for hours on end too?

I would text "You are not the only one in shock. Twins was not particularly part of my plan either but its happened so we have to deal with it. Fucking off for hours on end is completely unacceptable, how dare you just leave me to it when I am worried and in shock too? Where would DD be if I just buggered off like you did? Have the decency to at least let me know when you are going to deign to come home."

LapdanceShoeshine · 13/09/2017 21:57

fwiw, this exact thing happened to a friend of my DD's. Her DH was very put out by the whole thing, as if getting pg so soon & conceiving twins was her fault (I mean he knew it wasn't really!)

Anyway they were born (quite early) a few weeks ago & everything is cool Smile

Congratulations & good luck

Flowers
airforsharon · 13/09/2017 21:57

Congratulations OP! My twins arrived just 12 days after DD1's 2nd birthday, and not long before I turned 40. DH and I were both dazed and swung between being thrilled and being slightly horrified for some time before we settled into the idea. If he'd just buggered off on the day of the scan and gone 'off line' I would've been furious - what a selfish arse.

MammaTJ · 13/09/2017 21:58

I remember getting pregnant with DS, not long after having had DD2. There are 54 weeks between them.

I vividly remember getting up on the bed for the scan and them saying 'Are you ok?' and I replied 'I am fine as long as you don't start saying 1......2......' but this has happened to you. It must be a shock to you both. That is no excuse for a disappearing act though! You should be supporting each other through it, getting used to it together and then rejoicing in it (eventually).

If it helps at all, know one mum who had a toddler and had twins and another who had a toddler and had triplets. They both coped. You will too!

goodeggsarehardtocatch · 13/09/2017 21:59

I'm going to be generous here and say, he may be worrying about money, your health, your dd and the shock of the twins.this is daunting for you both and he may feel he's protecting you by doing his worrying away from you and coming back when he's got his head together.
Yes ideally he should have stayed and talked but my dh has a tendency to do this disappearing act when he needs to wrap his head round something as he thinks he will stress me more by staying I know they're fucking dumb but you know him best
Oh and congrats Flowers

mogulfield · 13/09/2017 22:02

It's rubbish he's buggered off when you are trying to come to terms with this as well. It's great news but I bet you're finding it a shock too.
My DH and I are a team, if we get news good or bad we deal with it together. What will he do when life actually gets tough?

andbabymakesthree · 13/09/2017 22:03

I'd be furious. Can you use Google device manager or iPhone tracker to see where he is?

notangelinajolie · 13/09/2017 22:04

Congratulations Flowers He'll be back.