Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14

Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 15/09/2017 17:22

my concern would be this.....

you might be unable to rely on this man... to support you in moments of crisis... you children might not be able to depend on this man in moments of crisis... his behaviour shows you how he reacts to stress.... he runs .. and hides... leaving you abandoned... and alone..

be prepared to be to cope with these future situations alone OP...

NameChange30 · 15/09/2017 20:39

I agree with Gemini - in fact I tried to post earlier making the same point. This wasn't even bad news - it was just overwhelming and unexpected - so it's worrying to think how he might react if it was truly bad news.

It's good that he's apologised but there is more talking to do. Don't let him pretend that he was trying to protect your feelings by disappearing - you were upset and worried, and if he really cared about that he would have been in touch, at least.

Joysmum · 15/09/2017 21:51

This wasn't even bad news - it was just overwhelming and unexpected

Not to you perhaps but it would be to me, especially if I thought my dh was happy about it so I couldn't share my feelings with him.

NameChange30 · 15/09/2017 22:09

I see what you mean Joysmum, it was bad news to him and would be to others. I suppose what I meant to say is that it wasn't bad news in the way some things are (death or serious accident or illness, for example) so it would make me worry about his reaction if it was something worse - a crisis, a Gemini said. I do think people's reactions when under stress are quite telling.

Joysmum · 16/09/2017 07:59

Me too Emma but all I can say is that for dh and I we both freaked and then learnt from it so as the years have gone on and we have been more and more together, we've become better and better at pulling together.

The assumption by the majority of posters on this thread is that this can't be the case and proves he's selfish rather than not coping. I've posted for balance knowing both dh and I have done this at times and not because we are selfish arseholes, just that it was overwhelming and we wanted to protect the other from what we projected their feelings would be about feelings. We didn't want to hurt the other or let them fown so went introverted until we could do better for them! That has its own logic despite being wrong but we know better now...thank goodness

Original poster

AWOLDh · 16/09/2017 21:22

Thank you for all your advice.
We talked more about finances and how we will sort all the practical things out yesterday and it feels like we are more on the same page.
DH took DD out today so I had some time to myself.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 16/09/2017 22:04

That's really good AWOLDh. I hope your husband will work on his skills to deal with this type of stuff. Walking off and leaving you with one child is bad but if he does it when you are a family of five it will be much worse. Only he can work out how best to deal with his anxieties in this area but how he feels is probably quite common.

It's not being worried that is the issue, it's how he processes these feelings and how they impact on you and the children.

Carouselfish · 17/09/2017 00:28

Weak and childish as a pp said. Seems a lot of it about in the modern man.
I'd be tempted to match the childish with a key in the door so he can't get in and a week at my mother's to give him all the 'space' he needs.

Carouselfish · 17/09/2017 00:29

Sorry, didn't rtft before posting. Glad he's managed to find his words and use them like an adult.

blueonblue · 17/09/2017 02:08

AWOLdh you've done so well. Onwards and upwards now, and hopefully he's had a wake up call about thinking of your feelings as much as his own.

Flatwhite31 · 17/09/2017 21:03

Oh my goodness that's dreadful behaviour. We lost our first baby at the 12 week scan three weeks ago and would give anything to be in a position such as yours! Tell your DH our story to give him a sense of bloody perspective! Ugh.

Flip

1 2 ··· 9 10 11 12 13 14