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Original poster

DH went out after pregnancy scan and isn't home

336 replies

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 21:07

I'm trying to keep this vague in case someone recognises me but hopefully it will still make sense.

I had my first pregnancy scan today for our second DC.
We have a DD together , it took a long time to conceive DD and we had a couple of failed ivf attempts before we eventually had her.

So I always wanted 2 DCs, DH wanted 1. However after having DD he decided that he wanted to try for another. But I think in part he said yes because I wanted 2.
I fell pregnant on our first attempt and we were both a bit shocked at first as we were expecting it too take longer and the gap between the DCs is closer than expected. But once it sank in I was over the moon and DH said he was too.

So to today, we are at my first scan and the scan showed twins. Both of us were shocked and DH asked her to check again which she did and assured us it is twins.

So We left the room and DH said actually he had to go out and think and he needed space. He said that this wasn't part of the plan and he had to think. I said oh ok and didn't really question it.
He has been gone for hours, he has missed dinner and DDs bedtime.
I text him to ask when he is coming home but he hasn't replied.

I am zigzaging between being worried about him and being angry with him. I'm not sure if I should call him or if that will make it worse because he wanted space. But I'm also worried and annoyed and I want to hear from him.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2017 22:45

How wonderful for him that he can literally go with the flow like this - walk out and disappear for hours on end without a second's thought for the child he's jointly responsible for, let alone anything else. Because you are there. To be the parent he's decided he doesn't have to be right now.

ilovegin112 · 13/09/2017 22:45

Hopefully he is just getting his head around this and not had an accident or something, my mum always goes for walk by herself when things happen is she a selfish twat as well!! she sorts out herself and then comes home, some people do react like this

Italiangreyhound · 13/09/2017 22:47

Congratulations.

I'm sorry your husband is behaving in such an appalling manner.

However he feels about this, he has left you to carry on as normal and put your child to bed etc. That is really very sad. We had over 6 years of very expensive fertility treatment, which could easily have resulted in twins, in order to have child number 2. Then we adopted.

Both our children are fabulous. I know lots of people with twins, I am sure it is hard but it is not the end of the world.

His behaviour is very bad. I am sorry and hope he will be home soon and you can talk about how you will manage, because I am sure you will.

Bluntness100 · 13/09/2017 22:47

To be the parent he's decided he doesn't have to be right now

And I'm sure if she was feeling the same way and said she needed space and to think he'd look after the kid. Stop trying to make it worse ffs.

nandostodayplease · 13/09/2017 22:49

Congratulations He sounds like an absolute prick, sorry

Italiangreyhound · 13/09/2017 22:49

I do agree with Bluntness that being angry will not help. Hopefully, he will be apologetic when he realizes how badly he has behaved.

Dizzybintess · 13/09/2017 22:50

Hope you are ok op x

myshinynewusername · 13/09/2017 22:51

I would text him and say that you need a text to know whether he is ok, even if he is not ready to come home. I think he owes you that. This has been a shock for you too.

Congrats on the twins.

Flyinggeese · 13/09/2017 22:51

Bluntness fair enough but it's out of order to just go off with no hint whatsoever as to when he's thinking of coming back and ignoring the OPs messages. No excuse for that.

MissCommunication · 13/09/2017 22:51

First of all congratulations. I have nothing to add other than how is it that blokes can bugger off when they need space and/or spit the dummy...what would happen if us mums just pissed off? It's not fair on you or your DD. I understand it's a shock but surely it's something you work through together?

TheDodgyEnd · 13/09/2017 22:51

Any word OP?

FizzyGreenWater · 13/09/2017 22:52

Nonsense.

Space to think is fine. It WAS fine. That's what he asked for and he got and OP said oh ok. No problem.

It's now hours and hours later. No contact. Not even a text to say I'm ok I just need space. No contact to ask if his partner, the person who's also actually the pregnant one, is ok - she had the same shock at the scan too, remember?

So no, not 'needing space'. Rather, being utterly selfish, self-indulgent and utterly out of order.

So stop acting the apologist for bloody shitty behaviour to your pregnant partner 'ffs'

imjessie · 13/09/2017 22:54

Blimey , hope comes home soon !

Waddlelikeapenguin · 13/09/2017 22:57

Congratulations
I hope you've been able to contact him (& he gives himself a shake!)

Giraffey1 · 13/09/2017 23:01

Yes, it was no doubt a shock. But the same is true for you! You didn't walk out on your DC for hours expecting the other parent do do all the, errr, parenting. He is out of order and being very selfish and childish, in my view.

So what if he needs space and time to think! His 'needs' don't trump yours, OP.

I hope you are feeling ok and aren't too upset. I must admit I'd be tempted to leave my keys in the lock so he can't get in when he does decide he can be bothered to return.

dowagercountess · 13/09/2017 23:03

congratulations!
Hope you've been able to contact him.

UrsulaPandress · 13/09/2017 23:03

What a lovely supportive man.

Congratulations on your news.

inniu · 13/09/2017 23:04

Just give him space.

It isn't great for you that he is behaving like this but it might actually be better for him to process his panic on his own for a while.

My eldest was 14 months when I got pregnant with twins. I only found out on their 4th birthday how completely shocked DH was when we found out.

Migraleve · 13/09/2017 23:06

Congratulations

I hope he returns soon. If he doesn't go to pubs etc do you have any idea where he is likely to go?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/09/2017 23:06

I feel a bit sorry for him really.
When I had the scan for DS2, after 3 MCs, the only good outcome for me was that there would only be one baby in there - I only wanted 2, never 3 and certainly not twins (having grown up in that set-up). I would have wanted to run away too if there had been twins. Luckily for all concerned, in my case, there was only one.

But by now he should have sorted his head out at least a little bit and got back in touch with you at least, if not actually come home. I hope he has done at least one, if not both of those things by now.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

flutterby77 · 13/09/2017 23:12

Congratulations. Twins is a shock, I've been there myself and remember well how it feels to have your plans for pregnancy and newborn stage turned upside down but you are both going through the same range of emotions so it is not ok for him to prioritise his feelings over yours. This will be a high risk pregnancy and he needs to ensure he can support you as down the track most twins spend time in SCBU due to early delivery. My DH was of no help at all at that stage and I spent more time reassuring him everything was going to be ok than being supported myself. I look back and wished I'd tackled it earlier so I hope you can sit down with your DH and work through this together.

By the way, twins are awesome. It's not as hard as you think it will be and I have loved having two at the same age. Good luck

Beadieeye · 13/09/2017 23:22

Huge congratulations on your lovely news.
Fuming on your behalf though, that DH is tainting the day. Utterly, utterly selfish to have you worried sick, deliberately. I hope when he returns, he'll have manned the fuck up and be falling over himself to apologise!

Original poster

AWOLDh · 13/09/2017 23:24

I text him one last time and told him I am going to bed
And he will have to sleep downstairs when he eventually gets home because I don't want to be woken up.

I'm going to try and get some sleep and just hope he bothers to come home soon.
I don't really know where he would be at this time of night. I guess either walking around or he could be somewhere that's open 24 hours like a pub or a McDonald's or something.

OP posts:

GoingRogue · 13/09/2017 23:27

So sorry OP. I do hope he returns soon and is very apologetic.

Congrats on the twins, how amazing

RaininSummer · 13/09/2017 23:29

Selfish arse. Could at least get in touch rather than leave you to worry.

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